Solitude: A Narrative

March 2005

The tension builds as our Drill Sergeants demonstrate to us the proper wear of the beret. This is the award a soldier received in the completion of Basic Combat Training. Our commander runs through the drill and ceremony command of “Don berets!” and the National Anthem is played. I remember Jonathan mentioning that after Basic he found it odd that tears flowed at the sound of the tune. I understood that sentiment, I too had a couple tears fall. The anthem did not mean anything more or less, only the understanding of sacrifice deepened. There is also a sense of joy, those who have served in the past, I now get to join their ranks as a brother in arms.

For the last week or so, we knew Family Day was coming. Basic is all but over, we have qualified in our soldering tasks, completed our final field training exercises, the hard part was more than over. We were excited to be finished, to be Soldiers. Much of that week was spent preparing our nearly bare dress uniforms which would be the final mark that we were indeed soldiers. There were logistical details from our Drill Sergeants being forwarded on a regular basis. That week the most soldierly thing we did was clean our weapons to excess. I don’t really recall what we talked about other than respective girlfriends or missed food and alcohol. I longed to eat better food but I had neither a girlfriend nor a preferred drink to miss, it was still  few months before I hit 21. There was an unspoken excitement, particularly among the National Guardsmen and Reservists. After these eight weeks they would go home to their families, it made sense they would be present for the graduation. Us, active duty, we would simply get on the bus and head to our next training site. It was not until the day of, that we learned we would take a non-stop bus from Fort Leonard Wood Missouri to Huachuca Arizona. It turned out we were graduating during Spring Break and plane tickets were too difficult to acquire, or that was what our Drill SGTs relayed to us. I preferred that idea more, that meant more freedom, as we would have a new complement of Drill SGTs to greet us. I would take a 30-hour bus ride over a 3 hour flight any day of the week under those conditions.

I wanted to shrug it all off as my comrades were excited to be greeted by family at graduation. It was an easy calculation, between the flight and hotel, it would be wholly impractical to want anyone to come watch my graduation. California was a long way from Missouri, the roads were unclear. Could mom even navigate to find where on base we would be? All this for a few hours of family time before we board the bus for our next evolution of training. It isn’t worth it, it can’t be. So I convince Mom that I didn’t want her to bother with going to graduation. This is what it means to be a soldier right? Think of the practical choices more than what would be nice. I have endured plenty of difficult things, this is just another thing to shrug off…Besides, this next bit of training is only a few more months before I get leave between my final duty station. By then I’ll even have some leave saved up so I won’t have to go broke to be home. I’ve barely been gone two months, I need to prepare to be gone for years. That is what Iraq will have for me.

December 2005

My first Christmas away from home. Most of the unit is gone on block leave, there might be ¼ of us left here, more or less going through the motions. I am in Germany after all. I get to see snow and with most of the unit gone, the days will be really relaxed, and they were. I had just been home in August, it didn’t make sense to go home after only a 3 months away, plus have you seen the price of the plane tickets? Way not worth it, I’ll just go home next year…

February 2009

The last 48 hours are kind of surreal, the same kind like when we took our first steps in Kuwait and the bright sun shone in our faces with a biting brilliance never before experienced. We are all exhausted. Between the 30+ hours of flying, waiting in the ever so cushy “Freedom Zone” between Customs and our flight back towards civilization, everything in me is just gone. We are finally offloading the plane back at Fort Hood. I see the Division Band, but between the keeping in step and not wanting to fall down the flight stairs I’ll just look onward. I’m glad the band got to go home early, we were all tired. It was too bad they have to do all these “welcome home” gigs. I have no idea what I’ll be doing for the next weeks or months, but I know it wouldn’t be much.

We get on the buses and I’m trying to recognize where we were. I didn’t travel around Texas much. I was with the unit only a couple months before we deployed and I didn’t own a car. Beyond the main streets of the base, I’m lost. I think we had a police escort on the way back to base, that was a nice gesture. As the buses pull up and I look for other single friends who will be just as bored after this I am unsuccessful. I was one of the lucky ones to get back with the first group as the unit demobilized. It would take a week or so before the whole unit gets back, even then people will go on leave almost immediately. I will have two, maybe three weeks of absolute chill, but since I’m not taking leave just yet, it will be paid vacation!

The buses pull up to Division Headquarters, finally somewhere familiar. We unload from the bus, leave our bags, and instructed to get in formation. Oh, right there will be a “welcome back speech” cause the Army loovess ceremonies. I just want a shower and a real bed. We form up all nice and pretty, thank goodness we are outside. It is hot and none of us have showered in at least 30 hours, possibly 48. I wish I remembered to bring more baby wipes for the trip back. As we get the instructions from the Sergeant in charge we are going to have a “move that bus” kind of reveal because Extreme Home Makeover is all the rage and our loved ones are waiting to see us. Well, everyone else’s loved ones. I didn’t want Mom to get lost travelling again. Finances are always tight, I’ll be home soon anyways, this time for good (or so I thought). I’ve been alone this whole time, this is nothing.

“Dis-missed!” Oh, thank goodness the speech was short. That is a man that knows his soldiers! As we walk across the parade field, the formation now broken, families run for each other. It is worth noting, when everyone is wearing a uniform it is really hard to spot anyone individually. I see young couples express their joy. Fathers hug their children. This is a beautiful sight to see. Wait, did that guy just kiss a bottle of Johnnie Walker? I guess his wife really knows him… I get off the parade field and look for the bus with my dufflebag. I’ll be living out this until my belongs get out of storage, that might take a week or two. I need to find where I’ll be living. Good for everyone else, but I’ll celebrate when I get home…

“Joe!!!” Did someone call my name? Who here knows me by my first name? Oh! It is Max and Tiff! Good thing I have friends in the band. I tell them the situation and Max says he’ll pick me up after I get settled in my new barracks room. It is still the late morning, we are going to hit the town! This is a particular gift, I wasn’t expecting anyone to do anything for me. Here are some friends AND they want to spend the day with me. It is going to be a good day.

Be a Good Soldier: A Valentine’s Day Post

And the crowds asked him, “What then shall we do?” And he answered them, “Whoever has two tunics[b] is to share with him who has none, and whoever has food is to do likewise.” Tax collectors also came to be baptized and said to him, “Teacher, what shall we do?” And he said to them, “Collect no more than you are authorized to do.”Soldiers also asked him, “And we, what shall we do?” And he said to them, “Do not extort money from anyone by threats or by false accusation, and be content with your wages.” - Luke 3:10-14 (ESV)

For those of us who have served, this passage has fair literal value as it does general value. On this day of days what comes to mind is the broader message Jesus had to his followers. Do your job and do it well. In the recent weeks I have had several conversation in-real-life as well as digitally concerning the place singles have in the Church, particularly for the post-college pre-marriage stage, perhaps even moreso for those who are *gasp* not even in a relationship. Some of us look to the structures our local churches provide, or don’t. Some of us question the micro-culture of modern evangelicalism if it has a place for singles. According to Pew, the age of marriage among my generation is the oldest it has been in decades, perhaps in modern history. Even with these attainable benchmarks, I still exceed these with a healthy margin. What is one to do?

Allow me to segue to another reoccurring discussion I recently had. I promise to connect the dots. A disgruntled veteran was lamenting the sense of unfulfilled purpose he had, because though he answered the call to war, he did not engage in combat. For those unfamiliar with the indoctrination phase of military training, a fair amount of dehumanization must take place in order to make us comfortable with the concept of taking human life. This ranges from our enthusiastic chants of making the “green grass grow”, to the more calm and concentrated exercises of practicing marksmanship on human silhouettes. This was in response to an important report by Brigadier General SLA Marshall’s study of WWI and Civil War soldiers which he found no more than 15-20% of soldiers in combat fired their weapons at their enemies in battle. There has been much discussion since then, but the point remains, the indoctrination phase of military training focuses on “socializing” us in a foreign culture. The most basic aspect of that culture is to follow lawful orders. This is often summarized that a junior enlisted has only three tasks to accomplish. “Be in the right place, at the right time, in the right uniform.” All else their superiors will instruct them as needed. I take this universal principle and apply it to those service members who have been left with the sense of longing. One of the best portrayals of this attitude in film was from this scene in Jarhead (NSFW Language). My response to the distraught brother-in-arms comes from King David.

Then David came to the two hundred men who had been too exhausted to follow David, and who had been left at the brook Besor. And they went out to meet David and to meet the people who were with him. And when David came near to the people he greeted them. Then all the wicked and worthless fellows among the men who had gone with David said, “Because they did not go with us, we will not give them any of the spoil that we have recovered, except that each man may lead away his wife and children, and depart.” But David said, “You shall not do so, my brothers, with what the Lord has given us. He has preserved us and given into our hand the band that came against us. Who would listen to you in this matter? For as his share is who goes down into the battle, so shall his share be who stays by the baggage. They shall share alike.” And he made it a statute and a rule for Israel from that day forward to this day. - 1 Samuel 30:21-25 (ESV)

If you are unfamiliar with the story begin with verse 1. Anyways, the example provided by David and echoed in the military’s own ethic, our job is to follow orders. Those orders might provide opportunity for valor, but the chances are they won’t. In fact, the vast majority of military service consists of mundane tasks and orders, such that if one ever gets such an opportunity they are outside the norm, even those at war. Even then, to many men of valor, the conditions that provided that opportunity for valor have been frequently described as their worst day ever. Actually, this view appears to be rather common among our nation’s most honored.

I have lived as a soldier and as a single Christian. Through those years some points of isolation were worse than others. As I stand back with a view of God’s great mercies, grace, and love, I am reminded of the simple task we have been asked to do. To pick up our cross and follow him. The simplicity of what it means to b a Christian doesn’t fade, but the depth of those simple instructions only grows with our obedience. In that light, enjoy these Valentine’s Day cards.

Something Beautiful

I am a people watcher. I first started to realize this in highschool. I recognized my lack of desire to date based on my observations of my peers. In the Army, I actively sought to be the designated driver whenever possible so that I could try to belong. There was also an opportunity to observe people in their “natural habitat” if you will. It sounds better if you read that part with a Steve Irwin accent. This might also explain why I went into the branch of the Army. It was my job to study people, to predict their actions and reactions. I have long recognized I see things differently from the majority of those around me, it is through watching people that I might gain a better understanding. This could even be said why I was intrigued to be a bouncer. There might also be a desire to protect, the applications of watching people: lifeguard, soldier, and security. There appears to be a consistent theme.

Being watchful of one’s surroundings is also part of the impetus to blog. In order to try to have something that might be worth reading, one must be attentive to the world looking for opportunities to share. Such constant watching is a different kind, instead of maintaining situational awareness for a potential threat, I must also be aware of the beauty God might present in a given day. This ranges from sunsets, clear skies, or those precious moments with a child or something fluffy.

This brings me to something I saw at church a few weeks ago that was absolutely precious. While ushering, I am constantly facing the opposite direction from the congregation. There was a new father holding his newborn daughter. He was absolutely transfixed on her in a way I cannot remember that I have seen. We acknowledged each other and I returned a smile and he quickly went back to staring at his daughter. The intention, joy, emotions everywhere were overflowing. It was a joy to get to witness something so beautiful.

There was no need for him to justify anything. I am certain he was more focused on her than he was of what was happening on stage during those moments. From the fully extended smile to the piercing gaze, there was nothing more important in that room to him. Granted other than myself and those standing around him, I don’t think anyone else witnessed this public display. Was I intruding on the moment? I hope not.

Aside from sharing that moment that left me impressed, being reminded to lookout for the beautiful things, I was also reminded of the need to celebrate joy with others, especially the joys they have that I might not have. This goes back to a discussion with one of the couples in my grace group. They were hanging out early and we were having a good discussion. I can’t remember if they were newlyweds, by definition, but she was still in that mode. He wanted to refrain in my presence. He was single well into his 30’s and did not want to flaunt the affection he was finally able to share with his wife. I appreciated the consideration but encouraged them to enjoy the fruits of their relationship. Christians should celebrate with others the gifts God has  given. I think this is especially true for those of us without, to celebrate those who have.

Sure, I have my moments, but hopefully those moments should occupy less mental energy and time than a Carl’s Jr. commercial. I am starting to stare down 32 in the coming months. I am well past the average age of marriage for any American demographic, yet, there is still peace. God has demonstrated his plan throughout my life numerous ways for years. Just in case my faith was weak, I have a long personal history to reflect upon.

The Christian faith is not built upon an external sense of injustice or inequality. The only inequality that should matter to us is how could a Good God send his perfect Son to die for us? There is no greater challenge to inequality beyond that and all other forms of inequality pale in comparison to Christ’s sacrifice. Christians do not live in some kind of envious economic plan that requires all to be equal in order for there to be goodness. We are bathed in grace, undeserved favor from God, each day. Every breath, delectable bite, stunning sunset, and joy is the result of God’s grace. I just needed to remind myself.

Hard Lessons Simple Truths pt I

I shouldn’t say mantra, more like motto. Yes, motto is appropriate. I think this was revealed to me sometime during my Iraq deployment. God constantly provides circumstances for us to learn his simple truths: He is God, He loves me, He knows what is best for me, He is in control, He is able. To throw an “and” or “etc.” to the end of that short list does not do it justice. I would rather make that grammatical mistake than limit the truths of God and his character.

Moving forward from 2009, there have been a number of areas of life which God consistently showed/s me new or deeper understandings of his simple truths, through hard lessons. I remember when my roommate Dan, was laughing (it was fair, reasonable, and prophetic) about my certainty that I would find my spouse at Hume in 2009. It seemed reasonable at the time. I can think of at least a dozen friends whom I have worked with in my Hummer summers who have met their spouse as summer staff. On the odd chance a Hume friend reads this, allow me to clarify “meet” not “start dating” as my first rule of Hume summers is “Do not start a relationship.” This rule was learned after my first summer on staff way back when… well when most of my Hume friends were in elementary school.

It is fun to look through my singleness blogs, that season of life was beneficial for my own growth but something hit around 26, a serious bit of “been there done that, next chapter please.” “Oh grasshopper, you have no idea” would seem like an appropriate near audible response at the time. That season had me seriously question much of those claims I was so happy to explain to others in my young adult years, but with the hope of summer camp and roughly 160+ Christian women working in a common mission, what could go wrong? Or not happen… at all. I was anxious as a near 27-year old Christian single veteran who in some way probably felt like I earned such a gift as a manifestation for my demonstrations of faith throughout my military career.

It would not have been unreasonable at the time/stage to “settle down.” I was behind the curve on the Evangelical timeline but still in healthy range within the secular timeline. It was an odd feeling to return to a world, in which we all grew, professionally and spiritually, but when I returned to my home and church there was a constant feeling of being left behind. While I was overseas doing my thing most of my friends graduated college, got married. At that time they were mostly pre-child stage so things were a little different but not wholly different. It took an edge off that God pretty much gave me a professional job as soon as I got back home. I was in a financial and professional position that I did not need to finish college but still provide well for my forthcoming family. Returning home from the Army had every bit of “When I get home I am gonna…” there were even the necessary steps provided that it looked like those hopes would be realized and fulfilled. I think that was when God started to teach me a new kind of patience.

When I left the Army I was certain my travelling was going to calm down. There were a few months where I fully believed I had the next 20-30 years mapped from that spot. Not knowing what God had in store for me reminds me of how small scale I often look for things. I was at a great job at the time; actually it was literally the best possible option available for my situation. It was truly a gift. Yet, the personal stresses that came along with my department’s expansion and transitions it was clear to me by the time summer ended I might need to look for an exit plan. With that realization of my professional instability so sailed my plans to settle down. It would be irresponsible to pursue someone when I could not provide.

The hardest decision I had to resolve before I enlisted was accepting the fact that I would remain single for the entire duration of my enlistment. God made that condition very easy by not placing any practicing single Christian girls in my path, but that resolution was always present. Like my resolution to abstain from alcohol that was fulfilled shortly after my return to civilian life, I hoped there would be other manifestations of fulfillment.  Yet, instead of receiving my vision of fulfillment, I started what has so far been a seven year journey to understand God’s simple lessons with the occasional and sometimes constant hard truth.

As each year has passed, and especially since I have started my current chapter, that is graduate school, being satisfied in this lesson I have had an almost tangible sense of satisfaction trusting that God is God, He loves me, He is able, He knows what is best for me, and I need to continue to be patient.  

“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means — the only complete realist.” C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

The Prayer I Am Afraid to Pray

Before I dive into my semi-rant/ melancholy diatribe which is what prompted me to start writing; I think it is best to start with the good news. The last two months have been among the best I have had in the last 4 years. Never in my military career have I had such a strong, regular fellowship with a body of Believers. About two months ago, I learned of a small bible study composed of several guys in my unit. After myself and another passionate brother joined the study has exploded. I am in constant awe of the people that continue to join, the progress we can see God works each week, and the constant phileo we share.

The blessings continue in more than just the Sunday night Bible study. Since most of us work nearby I see many of my brothers on a daily basis. We speak often of how we can teach something new or what has been on our hearts. The explosion is not limited to just the Sunday attendance, outreach and the aura of the Spirit has filled the building when we are nearby. The Holy Spirit’s presence is nearby and constantly blessing us. Out of my heart’s response to such stimulation I think that is why I have been on a frenzy of reading, studying, and abstaining from video games for going on 3 months. Few of you can appreciate how big of an accomplishment it is to willingly abstain from games for so long.

We continue to bless each other, be it a Christian Song of the Day email and our discussions of kingdom things via email. I have also gotten the idea to bring my archives of North Coast Sermons, which I have been archiving for the past 3 years, to work. All of a sudden 140 messages looks kind of small when I am going through 3-5 per day. I didn’t want to scare anyone that I am in an overall mode of distress/frustration with such a piercingly honest title. In fact, it is just the opposite; I am cradled in the spirit and surrounded by God’s presence.

From my better approximations I am about 6 months away from being a civilian again. The Light at the End of the Tunnel brightens each week as we get closer to returning home. I look forward to my return back to the States as just a prelude to grander celebration. There are still many prayers to be done concerning the exact transition and dates which are needed to allow me to return to Hume for summer ’09 and the rest of my civilian transition. There are not many ways to compare the anticipation to leave the Army. I am proud of the service I have given. I also await anxiously to practice the liberties I have served to protect. I will forever be grateful of the things I have experienced, the lessons I learned, and people I have met while serving my country.

I guess to truly see where my angst is rooted I must return to Sept of '05, when I was contemplating my enlistment. I knew what I wanted to accomplish in life with almost the same clarity as I do now. The means to accomplish those goals were what I needed the Army to assist me. I was 20 years old, at a bit of a crossroads in my life, one which offered me a new start at a local seminary with little to no means of financing those goals and the realistic notion that a 22 year old seminary trained individual would not find a serious ministry to lead in a properly discerning church. My singleness was a major factor of my personal identity. I wanted to be the “Nice Guy”, I didn’t fear the “Friends Zone.” I knew at that time, just as I did in high school, I wanted a wife, not a girlfriend.

As part of my personal conditions for enlisting I knew I would remain single throughout my Army career. I viewed the soon to be Army life as a spiritual battleground which I needed to use to sharpen my faith, knowledge, and life experience. I suppose that was one of the reasons I refused to enlist for more than 4 years. Within my first year I was reassured of my decision and rather certain the type of woman I seek to be my wife would not be found in the Army. Throughout the training period, there were many high school sweethearts and long time girlfriends which either sent a Dear John Letter or got a ring when they and their soldier faced re-location or long term geographic separation.

While my financial status is substantially better than most people of my age, I see it just the opposite for the married enlisted soldier. There have been few couples I know of who do not have to live month-to-month to get by. The finances of most soldiers puts a significant stranglehold on many families. I saw it better to delay my own family then put them through such potential hardship. Even more, I expect, as most soldiers are instructed to expect, upon our transition back to civilian life, we should have several months worth of expenses saved because it will take time to get a job. I have no problem living off of my savings, but when others depend upon me, I cannot afford such a risk. I think the obligation to family, uncertainty of the jobs on the outside, and short leash of financial balance is what prompts many mid-grade individuals into going the full 20 years for retirement.

So here I am, 24 years old and months away from rejoining the civilian populace. I don’t know if it is envy, impatience or a combination of both which have been stirring in me more noticeably in the recent years, but I am tired of being single. To say been there and done that would be an understatement. The frustration started to peek its head through when I wrote the Joy of Being Single Pt I & II. Those were written at a time when I knew there were still years of singleness left and I ought to find valid lessons from that season. On many levels I wish time could have frozen while I have been in Iraq, Germany and everywhere else. I estimate I’ve missed somewhere in the neighborhood of 30+ weddings of friends since I left. I suppose that is one of the sacrifices I should’ve paid greater attention.

What are the proper answers to my frustrations? Pray for patience. Pray for Strength. Rely on Christ’s strength to get me through; all the while not being too anxious to dive headlong into a relationship which I would not have done while I served. But that is just it; I don’t want to pray for more patience. Not because I don’t want to be patient anymore, but because such a prayer might be granted. One of my favorite sayings and a true lesson for me is “Pray for patience and God will send you a jerk.” It is through the jerk, the opportunity to learn patience on a deeper level is more apparent. The answers to those prayers are exactly the answers I don’t want. I know I ought to persevere, for the sake of my marriage I hope I do. The anticipation is frustratingly close. Am I not satisfied from Christ? I think I am. It is also difficult because as I look to Genesis, if God was all man needed why was Eve created? Creation was good, Man was good; but Man and Woman in Creation were ma'od. I long to know that goodness.

I don’t know if I want any words of encouragement from this, I just wanted to let you inside my head.

Epilogue: Reading this 8 years later I have had a sensible chuckle. Oh grasshopper little did you know the places God would take you. I’m still single, Jesus is still enough. Some days I recognize that better than others.

Joys of Being Single pt II

I was stumped as I was pondering on what to write for the exact joys of being single. Not saying I don't enjoy it for the most part but my blogs intention have been to divulge my theory on different subjects, relationships/dating included. So for me to continue to explain such information and then gear into a joy of being single it has taken a bit more thought. So building on where I left off, Joys of Being Single Pt I I figured I would go in the direction of what can be learned being single.

I am single, satisfied, and celibate. I think if someone is constantly single and looking they might not stop and enjoy the personal development I have found from this season in my life. The main point of Pt I was the joy of knowing yourself. So it seemed it would make sense to dive into knowing others. I have known for a while I make friends with women far more and easier than with men. I think this is for several main reasons.

First, I am not the typical male. How do I define a typical male? A typical male is one who is constantly on the prowl to seek females for either physical gratification or personal satisfaction. I think this is generally referred to as being a “player” or “pimp”. I wouldn't go so far to say the average male is a player or a pimp but I will say the majority either attempt to live that lifestyle or hold it in high regard. From what I have seen of it, the goal of the player/pimp is to either have one night stands and or multiple girlfriends simultaneously without any sense of remorse. I believe that lifestyle is altogether shallow and selfish. This is perhaps the ONLY thing I can agree with feminists.

Second, I can talk about my feelings. I have gotten over the stigma, actually I don't know if I ever had it, to be able to describe in words what I am thinking and feeling. This can also fall into the not-typical-male criteria, it is rather more common for males to not be in touch or have the desire to express themselves emotionally. When they do, it happens to be in the situation of a relationship. Dare I say, either many men are shallow or have walls which keep people away from their inner being. I think I am pretty far from either of those descriptions. I am irked that most males have not yet been given social permission to express themselves emotionally in a masculine manner. In fact, the very thought of expressing one's emotions is still socially, feminine.

Third, I do not seek a relationship upon first meeting a woman. Any relationship seriously based on physical attraction will only last as long as the plastic surgery can be paid for. I seek to be friends first, I don't have any pick up lines nor do I try to flatter a girl by her attractiveness. I want to be friends first. Most men asses if they are “interested” within a few seconds of seeing a woman. They will introduce themselves to start a relationship (or less). Their goal from first sight is to quickly determine if they want to hook up or start a relationship. Maybe, since I don't approach women with intent to get something from them and they realize it by me being authentic, they are willing to open up on a personal level. Because my goal is to meet people/be friendly, I approach women as individual people with functioning brains. Something I think the Rico Sauvé approach completely ignores.

As I expressed in The Single Guy moving from being the friend to possibly boyfriend is completely unknown territory for me. On the other hand, I know who people are. I know how to talk, approach, and treat them on a level foreign to most women in modern society. To value someone for who they are, I think is one of the most powerful ways of sharing my faith and a great way to authentically know someone. Few people go about life to truly try to understand the people we share this world with. This is kind of ties into my current read, people are yearning for community. So far the book has addressed how people are lonely on the inside and how small groups meet that need. I want to try to meet people's need, to know them. I take it even further Christians ought to be seeking people to meet the need as well.

Enough of the segue, back to the theory. The theory as mentioned in Dating, or Lack Thereof a relationship should not be start on a superficial level. Through my method of social interaction people who I know on the superficial level are not people I would claim to know. The joy of knowing people on their individual level is why I had not had a desire to start a romantic relationship. I was satisfied with knowing my friends, the friendships I held were rather deep. The change that has hit me over the months has been my desire for more than that because I am starting to approach the point in my life where I want to start a family. For the whole family thing to happen, I can't really do that with just friends, unless I start a cult or something.

For Jonathan's sake and pickiness I think I will write a closing paragraph. The second joy of being single is learning and knowing how to interact with women on a similar level as knowing men, we’ll probably even deeper. Which reminds me of Christian Men, men in the church are not being what they should be. I am also reminded of a Hume talk that will likely result in a blog about the general lack of emotional awareness and ability to love (phileo) fellow men. The social skills of being able to interact with the opposite sex is highly effective in sharing Christ's love and knowing the true person.

Joys of Being Single pt I

One of the first things I noticed that I neglected to mention in Dating or Lack Thereof was the importance of self identity. I think this period in our lives begins in Jr High for most and is well on its way through high school and is finalized in the college age years. Of course this does vary with maturity and the individual's experiences. This factor I think is the primary reason why the teenage years are deemed to be so chaotic by parents, sociologists and the like. I know we can all think of some people who are past college age and still have no idea of who they really are. If the stage of self development is overlooked or not completed I think one of two routes will happen. Either the person will continue to act as they were wherever they “developmentally left off”, never fully developing into a mature adult in that respect, or they will be influenced by others into someone they might not have become had they defined themselves earlier. Actually let’s add one more possibility in the mix, upon a major life changing event, such as becoming a parent; some people start to figure things out at that point.

Many people start getting into relationships too soon in their personal development and are often directed in ways they did not intend or plan. I spent my teen years watching people live and get-together, I used those experiences of friends and classmates to build a “study” of high school relationships. I recall asking many friends “what their goals were in the ____ relationship?”. The majority of people had no idea what I was talking about, which I found rather interesting.

In my over-analyzed life, I attempt to always have a reason why I do something. It is not necessarily always the best, most productive reason, but I will have a reason nonetheless, to quote Agent Smith ”there must be a reason, a purpose.” For those who do have an answer as to why they were in such relationship it would usually be one or more of the following: “to have fun”, “to discover myself”, “to find out what kind of person I want”, or “to get X (X being some physical gratification)”. I don't think I need to dive into why it is a bad idea to have a relationship simply for fun; emotions are great when it is great but are really bad when it is bad. It is not wise to play with emotions. When physical gratification is the primary goal one or both parties are in it for their selfish desires. Their attitudes will reflect their desires and eventually lead to using and/or demeaning each other.

I find the most mentally perplexing reason for the relationship is “to discover myself”. I don't think self discovery is a group activity. Whenever I hear a person talking about “finding themselves” I wonder “when did you lose yourself?” I think what they mean is they are trying to define themselves. When someone in a vulnerable position, such as a dating relationship, is undefined; an inherent burden is put the other person to assist in their definition. This is a highly disadvantageous situation if the burdened person is not acting for the benefit of the other. If both individuals are trying to “find themselves” you have two lost people looking for someone they don't know.

I find the motivation “to figure out what kind of person I want” as a valid reason to date nonsensical. It is an attempt to give them license to not discern who they give their emotions to. I know exactly what kind of woman I am looking for, how do I know? I know who I am. I know what I want to be. I would only make sense to select the kind of person who will encourage my lifestyle and direction. I am looking for someone whose life will be complimentary to mine. Opposites might attract but attraction does not build families.

The foremost advantage from my years of singleness, I have been able to develop and define myself for who I want to be. I know in thought and my dreams, I imagine the first person I date I'll marry. I am not entirely opposed to that happening but I should not expect it to happen. To do so would be the definition of un-necessary stress on a relationship. I also take into account the advice from those who have experience with the other half, many of whom proclaim “I have much to learn about relationships”. I must agree with them.

I recently finished a relationship book. I find it funny that I am reading books about Christian courtship and relationships especially when I know I won't be acting on the things I learn from it for at least another 2 years. It is a topic that has been circulating my head more in the recent months, and it is a nice break from a deeply philosophic or scientific reads which are more typical. As the title suggests it follows the relationship of Isaac and Rebecca in Genesis. Although they went through the courting style of getting together the book was formatted to suit dating more than actual courtship in my opinion. I have a better idea as far as mental knowledge goes as to what sacrifice and love is. Actually my idea of love much more clear than it has previously been. Love is so much more about a commitment and conscious decision than a feeling many people have made it out to be. I was also chuckling upon the conclusion of the latest book, I can spend months on a deep read but the average time for a book on relationships is less than 24 hours.

The Single Guy

This one is definitely thinking aloud. I wouldn't quiet say this is a rant but ponderous thoughts instead. Contributing factors which have lead me to the thoughts of this developing blog are: the Tuesday night Bible study in which we are now studying Song of Solomon, Dating, or lack thereof, a recent conversation/story I was listening to yesterday, and my overall thought process on the issue over the past year.

I would say at this point I am a professional single guy. I am very used to all the luxuries it includes: my free time is all to myself, I have no obligations in my personal or emotional life to another person, and I can focus on whatever my happy heart desires. At this point though I think I understand Genesis 2:18, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." a bit better than I have in the previous years of my life. Wait a minute? Did I just portray the life of a bachelor in a negative light? Taking the context into account I think this encompasses both our spiritual, emotional and personal life. What do I mean by that? I have known very clearly since I joined the Army that our spiritual lives are meant to be lived in community with each other, something my heart continues to long for.

I have had and still have a small community but once again I am perhaps the lone single soldier who attends the chapel services at my own free will. Living in the barracks has its own perils to one's faith if I want to belong. Based on my blog habits, which I believe are so frequent because I lack people around me who I can vent and talk with. So I use this outlet, my personal life wants to be able to share the deeper moments of my heart with someone. I believe it to be incredibly difficult to live out a powerful life for God without people to surround and recharge you when you need it. Community is so vastly important in our faith I cannot stress its importance any less.

As much fun as I have had with the joking feel of singing like Donkey on Shrek, "I'm so alone" which I do tend to sing at moments of opportunity, I often do feel so alone. Standing back and analyzing my singleness I am at the place in my life that I definitely am tired of being single. There are some pitfalls with this facet of my life being unsatisfied though. Before I start to divulge them all, I think there is a precursor to them lying within me. With the utmost uncertainty I think if I was back in the states I would probably be in a similar social situation, being single. Something Jonathan mentioned to me was I still have a lot to learn when it comes to dating and relationships, I don't doubt it.

I think this realization really hit me while I was sitting in on a conversation of reference. The speaker was talking about how he basically got a girlfriend that he has only talked to by phone and internet. The thing I found most profound was when he was complimenting her about how great of a girl she was and that if he was her boyfriend he would find himself to be very lucky. The first instant thought in my mind was "whoa, now that's some brownie points", but upon further ponderance I don't know if I could be that forward to someone to initiate the more than friends relationship. My goal for so long has been to be "the Friend", and I have always been so comfortable at that point in my friendships I rarely have ever wanted to carry it any further. Now, I sit in reflection and questioning myself, could I move past the friend zone?

Often in my thoughts and imagination of my future relationship with my wife or fiancé (whenever it may happen) I usually glaze over how I went from being the friend to actually having the significant other. The bigger implication I pose to myself, “what kind of spiritual leader would this make me when I haven't the daringness to attempt to initiate more than friendship?” Being friends is a wonderful thing. You can count on friends, hang out with them, and talk about anything you are willing to talk about. The only limits to how far a friendship goes are to how far the two want to take it. Well, the physical part kind of goes without saying. Beyond the line of physical behavior, what are the emotional and spiritual lines?

Something I found interesting which I profoundly disagreed with was advice in The 10 Commandments of Dating; it suggested not to pray together because it can rush a relationship into a more intimate position and speed than what the authors believe is safe. In the context of praying together while alone, yes, there is room for temptation amplified through the spiritual intimacy experienced. Therefore, praying together ought to be done in public. Praying for one another and together is one of the best friend building excercises that can be done. It is not just anyone who would pray for you or with you with a true heart.

When I recall my friendships, sometimes I think the only line that needed to be crossed from friend to a possible romantic relationship would have been to talk about it and see where we were and how we felt about each other as that kind of relationship. But… I have never taken that step. As I mentioned in my dating blog, I find people are entirely too fast and forward in the physicality of relationships. For this reason and because I know myself and my own weaknesses I hope my first kiss will be either after I propose or after I say "I do". Oh yea, I suppose I haven't mentioned that to very many people. Yea… I've never been kissed or anything close. How this applies into my future or possible dating life, it throws an interesting curve, because the factor so often used to determine a couple is “a thing” is such forms of affection. By my own desires I have put it off till much further in the relationship.

What inspired this form of dating ideology was a talk I heard at Hume in 03' by Steve Solomon. I can email it to anyone if you are interested to hear it. I think it puts the bar for men to be spiritual leaders and men of integrity much higher than society can even contemplate. While putting the bar up and burden on me to express my feelings in a way which excludes physical intimacy, it also adds a knot into how do I initiate the relationship to the more than friends level. These details I have no idea how to go about. I suppose there would be dates, and activities. I think I’ll figure it out as I go. Well, not really, for the really good ones I can learn all I need to know by watching some chick flicks. Truth be told, the reason guys can't stand chick flicks is because it makes regular guys look so pathetic. I don't know many guys who can build a telescope or buy a star... Perhaps that is why I like Hitch so much, because it is for the normal guys.

Back to my over-analysis of my dissatisfaction and predicaments of the thing called dating. The most difficult part of the relationship is the maintaining and growing part. After all how much more to it is there? There is spending time together, sharing, doing things, and enjoying being around each other. I think at a certain point one of two things happen, you either get married or break up. This model is with the successful relationship, I kind of glossed over the fights, arguments, and disagreements. Those will happen but it is what they are about and how they are dealt with which contributes to the overall success of the relationship. Actually, for many relationships to get through the fights is one of the most defining aspects to show how important it really is. Talking to friends that for some reason ask me for relationship advice on occasion, I think one of the simplest ways to have a working and good relationship is to treat the person as friends treat each other. So often the issues brought up seem to get convoluted in my friends' minds because their emotions are out of control. My objective outlook allows me to be able to look at their situations and talk it out without being emotionally involved. Essentially working out friend’s relationship problems has taught me the most about relationships directly. I am curious how it will hit me when I am no longer emotionally absent from the issue.

Now that I have expelled the internal issues to me not dating or getting into a relationship there are additional factors as to why I believe I remain in this state of singleness until I get out of the Army. I when I enlisted I knew I would likely not get into a relationship; at that point it didn't seem like such a big deal. At this point, it is bittersweet. To halt my loneliness I have thought of trying to find someone in the local area, but it is quickly snuffed by the realization that I will not remain in this country for more than a year. Where I go in a year it is one of three places, based on my occupation I think you all can guess aside from the States where the other two locations may be.

The environments I have found myself in definitely has a shortage of Christians. By Christians I mean to express those that take their faith seriously enough to practice it despite their surroundings. I have yet to find a single Christian female since I have left the states, which definitely puts a hindrance to starting a relationship. I do not think it is a good idea to attempt more than friendship with someone in the states. Long distance friendships can work, but not that kind I think. It hit me after I read 10 Commandments of Dating, that I am not really looking for someone to date, but a serious relationship dare I say wife. I think that explains much about how I have approached social interaction and relationships thus far. I don't think I was ever looking for a girlfriend; I have always been looking for a wife. I think great friendships can be made anywhere, more than that though requires meeting in person. So I find myself in my current state of singleness by lack of options. I am not really stressing too much expecting to not find someone for this period of time, and so I am the single guy.