One of the first things I noticed that I neglected to mention in Dating or Lack Thereof was the importance of self identity. I think this period in our lives begins in Jr High for most and is well on its way through high school and is finalized in the college age years. Of course this does vary with maturity and the individual's experiences. This factor I think is the primary reason why the teenage years are deemed to be so chaotic by parents, sociologists and the like. I know we can all think of some people who are past college age and still have no idea of who they really are. If the stage of self development is overlooked or not completed I think one of two routes will happen. Either the person will continue to act as they were wherever they “developmentally left off”, never fully developing into a mature adult in that respect, or they will be influenced by others into someone they might not have become had they defined themselves earlier. Actually let’s add one more possibility in the mix, upon a major life changing event, such as becoming a parent; some people start to figure things out at that point.
Many people start getting into relationships too soon in their personal development and are often directed in ways they did not intend or plan. I spent my teen years watching people live and get-together, I used those experiences of friends and classmates to build a “study” of high school relationships. I recall asking many friends “what their goals were in the ____ relationship?”. The majority of people had no idea what I was talking about, which I found rather interesting.
In my over-analyzed life, I attempt to always have a reason why I do something. It is not necessarily always the best, most productive reason, but I will have a reason nonetheless, to quote Agent Smith ”there must be a reason, a purpose.” For those who do have an answer as to why they were in such relationship it would usually be one or more of the following: “to have fun”, “to discover myself”, “to find out what kind of person I want”, or “to get X (X being some physical gratification)”. I don't think I need to dive into why it is a bad idea to have a relationship simply for fun; emotions are great when it is great but are really bad when it is bad. It is not wise to play with emotions. When physical gratification is the primary goal one or both parties are in it for their selfish desires. Their attitudes will reflect their desires and eventually lead to using and/or demeaning each other.
I find the most mentally perplexing reason for the relationship is “to discover myself”. I don't think self discovery is a group activity. Whenever I hear a person talking about “finding themselves” I wonder “when did you lose yourself?” I think what they mean is they are trying to define themselves. When someone in a vulnerable position, such as a dating relationship, is undefined; an inherent burden is put the other person to assist in their definition. This is a highly disadvantageous situation if the burdened person is not acting for the benefit of the other. If both individuals are trying to “find themselves” you have two lost people looking for someone they don't know.
I find the motivation “to figure out what kind of person I want” as a valid reason to date nonsensical. It is an attempt to give them license to not discern who they give their emotions to. I know exactly what kind of woman I am looking for, how do I know? I know who I am. I know what I want to be. I would only make sense to select the kind of person who will encourage my lifestyle and direction. I am looking for someone whose life will be complimentary to mine. Opposites might attract but attraction does not build families.
The foremost advantage from my years of singleness, I have been able to develop and define myself for who I want to be. I know in thought and my dreams, I imagine the first person I date I'll marry. I am not entirely opposed to that happening but I should not expect it to happen. To do so would be the definition of un-necessary stress on a relationship. I also take into account the advice from those who have experience with the other half, many of whom proclaim “I have much to learn about relationships”. I must agree with them.
I recently finished a relationship book. I find it funny that I am reading books about Christian courtship and relationships especially when I know I won't be acting on the things I learn from it for at least another 2 years. It is a topic that has been circulating my head more in the recent months, and it is a nice break from a deeply philosophic or scientific reads which are more typical. As the title suggests it follows the relationship of Isaac and Rebecca in Genesis. Although they went through the courting style of getting together the book was formatted to suit dating more than actual courtship in my opinion. I have a better idea as far as mental knowledge goes as to what sacrifice and love is. Actually my idea of love much more clear than it has previously been. Love is so much more about a commitment and conscious decision than a feeling many people have made it out to be. I was also chuckling upon the conclusion of the latest book, I can spend months on a deep read but the average time for a book on relationships is less than 24 hours.
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