Before I dive into my semi-rant/ melancholy diatribe which is what prompted me to start writing; I think it is best to start with the good news. The last two months have been among the best I have had in the last 4 years. Never in my military career have I had such a strong, regular fellowship with a body of Believers. About two months ago, I learned of a small bible study composed of several guys in my unit. After myself and another passionate brother joined the study has exploded. I am in constant awe of the people that continue to join, the progress we can see God works each week, and the constant phileo we share.
The blessings continue in more than just the Sunday night Bible study. Since most of us work nearby I see many of my brothers on a daily basis. We speak often of how we can teach something new or what has been on our hearts. The explosion is not limited to just the Sunday attendance, outreach and the aura of the Spirit has filled the building when we are nearby. The Holy Spirit’s presence is nearby and constantly blessing us. Out of my heart’s response to such stimulation I think that is why I have been on a frenzy of reading, studying, and abstaining from video games for going on 3 months. Few of you can appreciate how big of an accomplishment it is to willingly abstain from games for so long.
We continue to bless each other, be it a Christian Song of the Day email and our discussions of kingdom things via email. I have also gotten the idea to bring my archives of North Coast Sermons, which I have been archiving for the past 3 years, to work. All of a sudden 140 messages looks kind of small when I am going through 3-5 per day. I didn’t want to scare anyone that I am in an overall mode of distress/frustration with such a piercingly honest title. In fact, it is just the opposite; I am cradled in the spirit and surrounded by God’s presence.
From my better approximations I am about 6 months away from being a civilian again. The Light at the End of the Tunnel brightens each week as we get closer to returning home. I look forward to my return back to the States as just a prelude to grander celebration. There are still many prayers to be done concerning the exact transition and dates which are needed to allow me to return to Hume for summer ’09 and the rest of my civilian transition. There are not many ways to compare the anticipation to leave the Army. I am proud of the service I have given. I also await anxiously to practice the liberties I have served to protect. I will forever be grateful of the things I have experienced, the lessons I learned, and people I have met while serving my country.
I guess to truly see where my angst is rooted I must return to Sept of '05, when I was contemplating my enlistment. I knew what I wanted to accomplish in life with almost the same clarity as I do now. The means to accomplish those goals were what I needed the Army to assist me. I was 20 years old, at a bit of a crossroads in my life, one which offered me a new start at a local seminary with little to no means of financing those goals and the realistic notion that a 22 year old seminary trained individual would not find a serious ministry to lead in a properly discerning church. My singleness was a major factor of my personal identity. I wanted to be the “Nice Guy”, I didn’t fear the “Friends Zone.” I knew at that time, just as I did in high school, I wanted a wife, not a girlfriend.
As part of my personal conditions for enlisting I knew I would remain single throughout my Army career. I viewed the soon to be Army life as a spiritual battleground which I needed to use to sharpen my faith, knowledge, and life experience. I suppose that was one of the reasons I refused to enlist for more than 4 years. Within my first year I was reassured of my decision and rather certain the type of woman I seek to be my wife would not be found in the Army. Throughout the training period, there were many high school sweethearts and long time girlfriends which either sent a Dear John Letter or got a ring when they and their soldier faced re-location or long term geographic separation.
While my financial status is substantially better than most people of my age, I see it just the opposite for the married enlisted soldier. There have been few couples I know of who do not have to live month-to-month to get by. The finances of most soldiers puts a significant stranglehold on many families. I saw it better to delay my own family then put them through such potential hardship. Even more, I expect, as most soldiers are instructed to expect, upon our transition back to civilian life, we should have several months worth of expenses saved because it will take time to get a job. I have no problem living off of my savings, but when others depend upon me, I cannot afford such a risk. I think the obligation to family, uncertainty of the jobs on the outside, and short leash of financial balance is what prompts many mid-grade individuals into going the full 20 years for retirement.
So here I am, 24 years old and months away from rejoining the civilian populace. I don’t know if it is envy, impatience or a combination of both which have been stirring in me more noticeably in the recent years, but I am tired of being single. To say been there and done that would be an understatement. The frustration started to peek its head through when I wrote the Joy of Being Single Pt I & II. Those were written at a time when I knew there were still years of singleness left and I ought to find valid lessons from that season. On many levels I wish time could have frozen while I have been in Iraq, Germany and everywhere else. I estimate I’ve missed somewhere in the neighborhood of 30+ weddings of friends since I left. I suppose that is one of the sacrifices I should’ve paid greater attention.
What are the proper answers to my frustrations? Pray for patience. Pray for Strength. Rely on Christ’s strength to get me through; all the while not being too anxious to dive headlong into a relationship which I would not have done while I served. But that is just it; I don’t want to pray for more patience. Not because I don’t want to be patient anymore, but because such a prayer might be granted. One of my favorite sayings and a true lesson for me is “Pray for patience and God will send you a jerk.” It is through the jerk, the opportunity to learn patience on a deeper level is more apparent. The answers to those prayers are exactly the answers I don’t want. I know I ought to persevere, for the sake of my marriage I hope I do. The anticipation is frustratingly close. Am I not satisfied from Christ? I think I am. It is also difficult because as I look to Genesis, if God was all man needed why was Eve created? Creation was good, Man was good; but Man and Woman in Creation were ma'od. I long to know that goodness.
I don’t know if I want any words of encouragement from this, I just wanted to let you inside my head.
Epilogue: Reading this 8 years later I have had a sensible chuckle. Oh grasshopper little did you know the places God would take you. I’m still single, Jesus is still enough. Some days I recognize that better than others.
