It is Christmas Day, not the first I
have experienced without friends and family to share it with and not my last. However,
hopefully that will only be once more. I certainly have a greater respect and
appreciation for those who have done this before. Even more for those that
don't work in the offices I am surrounded by. I find myself not dealing with
this Christmas away quiet as well as I have in the previous years. Indeed, I
was very wrong about those years being in Germany, when I said being away is
away regardless of the exact conditions. Coming from a desk jockey I didn't
think it would be that much different than it would be when I finally got my
chance to be deployed.
So I finally got my chance, here I
am. Already I know it is grossly different from any garrison or field exercise
I have ever done. Perhaps the most noticeable surprise which I was not aware of
until I got here is the sense of prolonged conditions. Most times I have spent
in the field hasn't been more than a month or so, in the back of our heads regardless
of how busy we were we could mentally countdown roughly or at least reassure
ourselves that we wouldn't be here long. I have made every mental attempt to
drown out the thoughts of counting down. I don't think I have been so
unsuccessful at flushing this thought out of my head. I knew how long I would
be here but it didn't really click till I saw what the next 15 months would
entail.
In the past, whenever a major
holiday has approached it was not too difficult to ignore it. The work schedule
slowed down, we had tons of down time and I'd drown myself into a video game,
book, or the gym. One of those is always my constant source of occupation. The
ability to drown out the approaching festivities was more a survival technique
that I have grown accustomed to. I wasn't doing great, but I was getting by. As
I attempted to apply such a mindset this last week it didn't hold very well. Be
it the decorations that coated office doors, the Christmas songs played in the
DFAC (Cafeteria), or the Santa hats people wore around work the reminders were
too apparent to ignore this time.
The abnormal thing about the season
of joy, celebration and family that the period between Thanksgiving and
Christmas has come to be in our society, I find myself being the Grinch. I was
discussing with someone today why say "Merry Christmas" today? It is
not merry. There is nothing about our activities today that could be provided
as to make this day "merry". It would be more appropriate to greet
people just claiming it is Christmas. Somewhere in the middle this idea is a
desire to be true to ourselves instead of masquerading like everything is
joyful like it ought to be or just saying something out of reflex without meaning.
This is the same way that we greet one another with “What is up?” both mutually
not expecting an answer or an interest in an answer.
While I sincerely want to believe
that I believe the meaning and celebration of Christmas is to celebrate
Christ's birth. I know that it can actually be charted that Christ was actually
born closer to Easter, the Catholic Church chose this date to have something to
celebrate to compete against the pagan celebrations of Harvest, and the
commercialization of Christmas is sickening enough to wonder if this is what Jeremiah
mentioned. I find it difficult to get the full joy of Christmas without those
I love. Certainly working this day like any other work day except for the occasional
Christmas hat added to the disheartening feeling I have had today. The sanctity
of such a precious day is being ignored and disregarded that it is difficult to
meditate on the significance of our Lord coming into this world.
It really hit me tonight at dinner. We
have been very well fed the past several weeks with care packages from family
members and random people wishing us holiday cheer, the care packages have been
more encouraging I expected them to be. The daily feasts we've had available at
the DFAC have not been hindered by our snacking throughout the day. It is still
the holiday season so I give myself more than enough slack to indulge in the
labors of our supporters. I had my dinner before me, it was barely what I would
call a meal it was so small in portion and I couldn't take more than a couple
bites from it tonight. As I write this I am kind of wishing I had because the
vacant space in my belly is speaking to me. I was almost brought to tears just
listening to the music being played tonight. It was a collection of choir
preformed Christmas songs; they were actually focused on Christ than a jolly
fat man on the side of a Coke can. Be it the recognition or even the melody of
such familiar tunes that were sung at my home church the night before, it was
almost unbearable. I haven't had a sense of crying like that since my first
Sunday at Basic Training. That time I bawled almost the entire time, but here
before I would allow a tear to form I left.
While this doesn't seem like a good
start mentally for what will be a long time here I want to be optimistic about
the time spent here. As I returned to my quarters the last thing I said to
someone asking how my day has been all I could do was shrug and say, "One
down one to go". I know I will be spending next Christmas here, I hope I
have a better attitude about it. I am thankful that today I got my box of books
that were in storage for some time and I finally was able to recover them. Perhaps
the company they offer will help. I don't want this to be something that the
goal is to endure it. I want to see the potential to all I have to learn from
the time spent here. After all, this will be the longest time I have ever spent
in a single place that the Army has sent me. I should follow suit of my
previous places and make the best of it.
Have a blessed
Christmas, I know by the time you read this it will have passed but that is
okay.
