Last Chance

So today was it, my last chance at passing my physical training (PT) test before the unit moves to Kansas. It was a really big deal. I have been flagged since November which makes a damper on many privileges as well as makes it very difficult to get favorable actions like moving units. In addition, from Dec till the middle of February I was on a remedial PT schedule that was 6 days a week, and was fun for about a month. The rest of the duration was a pain in the hindquarter. Even more, last week a memo came out that those that did not pass this PT test would not receive PCS awards. Permanent Change of Station is when people go to a new post/unit. If you did well at the unit you are leaving you should get a PCS award. I was hoping to get one:

A)   My squad leader has been spending the last 2 weeks writing the recommendations

B)   My dress uniform is rather bare still, so anything that can go on it would be nice.

C)   The awards are worth promotion points when I am trying to get sergeant, but that is not something I have been worry about much at all.

The part that this means the most for me is I can continue to try to go back to the US with my unit. The paths I would have to take to get that accomplished would either be released by the European Command to go with my unit that would love to take me, or re-enlist. The re-enlist part is unlikely because I need 17 months’ time in service to do so, and I am roughly 3 months short, so I'd need some kind of high ranking action done to allow me to re-enlist. If this did not go well, I would have no chance to make an effort to further try to go to a unit other than the one I am currently slated to go to. If I must stay in Germany I want to go to a unit that does what I was trained to do, which aside from being far more stimulating and interesting greatly furthers my possible career paths in the Intelligence community if that happens to be a door that God opens when I get out of here.

I know I have mentioned it several times before about my loneliness here, manly the spiritual isolation from not having any single Christians to fellowship. My lack of transportation doesn't exactly help me to go looking for other Christians beyond the base. The biggest reason I want to go back to the US is that I believe I will be able to find more single Christians than here. The reasoning, in Europe most of the posts are small, they don't have very large forces of people and the posts are all over the place. Every single post in the US has at least several thousand personnel; I think 5-10,000 is a safe estimate for many of the posts across the US. My reasoning, since people that live their lives like me is rather uncommon Army-wide, if I am on a post with several times more people I will have better chances of finding people to fellowship with. I know there are no promises of finding others, but the chances are greatly increased. If I am blessed enough to get to go to Kansas the post is literally across the street from K-State, so at the very least I could check out the Campus Crusade/Navigators campus outreach programs around there. I hope to go to a post that I would not do personnel type of work or go to a post with a larger population that fellowship has better possibilities.

The recent weeks have been very difficult. Two weeks ago was I found out that I could not go home for Easter, which hurt. Last week the list came out for who was going to Kansas, as of now not I. I am slotted to go to a small post near Nuremburg, with a small post comes all the frustrations that I presently have. Playing the odds, it doesn't look to good so far. The semi-regular flow of bad news has really been getting to me. Last week I was really depressed and just had nothing to smile about. It is bad when one cannot smile or even force a fake one until it is real. My light at the end of the tunnel was dimmed and the tunnel got four times longer. It has only been seven months of a two year tour if I stay for the entire time. So far it looks like that's happening. Seven months, as long as that seems it is little more than 1/4 of my time on the other side of the ocean. I don't hold anything against Germany in itself; I have not even been able to properly travel yet. That goes hand in hand with not having someone I can easily hang out with.

Therefore, I think you get the idea about how much this PT test matters. Because of all the extra PT training I was rather confident that I had this run in the bag. The last PT test I was four seconds short on the run, it was 20 degrees and some of the route was icy. Monday I wanted to run the PT route with my pacer, to make sure it was in the bag and there was nothing to worry about. We started the run after a light chest workout at the gym, because well, we both really like doing the bench press. We started going and about 1/2 mile into it we stopped running cause we were going way too slow. The time I needed was 15:54 so for the 1/2 mile mark 4 minutes is acceptable; I think he said we were around 5:30-6 minutes at that mark. We ended up doing sprints a little further and the way back; the whole time when I wasn't gasping for air I was confused how I could be running so slowly. The test run did not set my mind at ease, it did quite the opposite. I didn't do any PT Tuesday, it is standard practice of the Army to not do PT the day before the test, and I made a big effort to take it easy when the day was done. It was another long day which is kind of the curve for the following weeks. I had a light dinner, watched Fantastic 4, and did some reading in John, Romans, & Jude. I really haven't been reading as much as I used to, I need to make a better effort to fix that. I went to bed at nine, an hour early to make sure I was well rested for my 0530 alarms. About the sleep last night... yea, I haven't had one like that since the night before I went to Basic. I am pretty sure I woke up at 10:30, 11:30, 12:15, 1:40, 2:30, 3:30, 4:15, and finally 5:30. The beginning of the night I was able to roll over and go back to sleep but from about the 12:15 mark on I laid awake from a weird dream about details changing or me thinking I took the PT test already and just head twisting things like that, so I didn't sleep too well despite my efforts to sleep well. I got some "sport beans", supposedly energy jelly beans, for the run to try help in any way it could because I was in somewhat of a desperate state all of Tuesday through much of this morning.

At least I was not late to the PT test. Step one was out of the way. I took a protein shake right when I woke up because I usually do perform better with some protein inside me. The push-ups went normal, no problems, I think I might be slowing down but that might just be a lack of competition. The sit-ups went okay, not great by still around 90%. Then the run, I have a certain problem being able to breathe and run at a halfway decent pace. There is something about PT tests that really set my breathing at an off pace. It was a rather nice morning, it was almost sunny couldn't have been colder than 40 degrees which is really warm in recent history. The “go!” went off and the run wasn't going too well. I think the jelly beans were a bad idea, cause they stirred me around the 1/4 mark. I kept gasping for air and Teddy was yelling at me for roughly the whole duration. It wasn't the most painful run I have ever had but it was by no means easy. The last PT test I was at 7:25 at the mile mark and I was still short. I wasn't sure how it was going until I got in range; I was at 7:38 for the halfway point, not terrible but not too good. I was certain although everything inside me was trying to go at max speed that an old lady with a walker could've passed me at my pace. The chaplain was at the last 100 yards to help encourage me to sprint it out, he has been a good source of encouragement for the last couple PT tests. I ran it in and I was certain the numbers I heard counting were 58... 59... and instantly thought NOOOO!!!!!!! Then the next second he said "15:30!" I nearly collapsed, I was so happy and I really was that tired. I suppose this might be a turn for better, I definitely have more hope and can continue to try to go to Kansas. Although my chances are still really low, they are still better than 0.

Rebel With a Cause

I have seen so many people of different backgrounds and upbringings come together for work, to live, and do just about everything together. It is apparent to me how similar so much of the world is compared to me and the lifestyle I lead. It really brings to mind 1 Peter talking about how we are the royal priesthood and set apart and do not belong here, on earth. Amidst so much diversity and such common behavior that is ever so true.

In the seven months since I have been here I have witnessed: clubbing, drinking… and that is about it. For the single enlisted people at least. I easily note who does actual traveling as part of my job. I find that every single person of the character that I might or would hang out with on my own time is married and or has a family. I think seeing that is getting me to look forward to that aspect of my life all the more.

It appears to me that in my generation to be a rebel is the norm. Yea, I went with a spin off of the James Dean movie title for this blog; color me tacky I thought it works. By rebel I think it is most clearly illustrated as taking part in regular activities of partying and the things that surround it, usually drunkenness, and the common lifestyle college students probably face. On the weekends the only difference I think is between a college dorm and the barracks, is that the soldiers are getting paid, and well what do single people interested in the opposite sex tend to use their resources for? Nuff said. In addition the rather "up yours" attitude to put it lightly of much of the authority figures around us is very common. Not quite sure if that is due to the disgruntlement of the job/surroundings or general attitude. I tend to think it is both seeing that I get that attitude from time to time as well.

I find it interesting that numerous people when I get in a conversation and have the chance to steer it about something of substance don't seem to have a direction in what they want out of life. For those who do, it is happiness, not the pursuit but the actual happiness. I think many have seen how content I am, but the separate lifestyle that seems so unfun to so many doesn't quiet connect or cause enough interest for someone to be interested as to why I can be so content. Then again as the months have gone by I have not been nearly as content as before. The overall spiritual wear and tear is taking a toll. That was a good deal of my hopes of Kansas to be near more people with a strong chance of finding more single Christians.

So this brings me to why I believe I am a rebel here. So often the rebel is associated with going against the Man, being a free spirit and all that jazz. More or less doing what I want and not others, also tends to be associated with negative behavior as an expression of one's individuality. Seeing so many different people doing so often the same things, same behavior, and the same attitude, I tend to stick out being the odd one. Being that I am the one going against the flow by standing for what is right; doesn't that then make me the rebel? Because the norm has become to do what is in the best interest of ourselves and I happen live a lifestyle against that mindset.

So Much For Kansas?!

Following the sentiments from Remembering My First Love

I think I have made it more than clear on multiple occasions that I am really spiritually isolated over here and was looking forward to going to Kansas with the rest of my unit. At the beginning it was a letdown because I didn't get much of a chance to explore the lands. I found with the company that surrounds me, I would rather not go explore the surrounding countries with them. They don't want to hit the same sites as myself. In addition the overall spiritual atmosphere or lack thereof has been probably the most continually trying I have ever experienced in my life. As the time passed, I realized I am the only single Christian out of the 280 people in my unit. Due to the overall likelihood that I'd be going to Kansas, I started to accept it.

I talked to people that had been there and found that a major college was very close by. The thought of a very large post in addition to a large college campus, in my mind greatly increases the chances of finding more single Christians. I figured I was most likely to go to Kansas out of everyone in my section because I had been there the longest, I wanted to go, and I thought one of us had to go. Well... two of the three are true.

I got the word from my officer, who can actually talk to the commander about what is really happening, because I still didn't really know if I was staying or going. I was about 80% sure I was going and was happy with that situation. Well as it turns out, I am not slated to leave. The bad part is that it comes from the European Command, so I can't get that changed unless I re-enlist. Something I have learned, if you ever want something that truly benefits you from the Army you have to re-enlist to get it. I got put on a list that gives me a special opportunity to re-enlist without adding my time, since I am supposed to be out by Jan 09, I could sign the paper for 3 yrs and be out in Mar 09 instead, not a high price to pay to go somewhere else.

I anxiously awaited to find out what options were available for me to go, this should’ve been quite a few since everyone needs my job specialty everywhere... I find out from the re-enlistment NCO that I can't re-enlist because I am flagged for PT. That is I have not passed a PT test yet. Oh wait it gets so much better though, because the meeting I had this morning about the re-enlistments, is why I missed the PT test today!!! The last one I missed by 4 seconds, it was 20 degrees outside and just ugly. Wasn't that much better but I know my running has improved that I can confidently say I will pass the next test. So where does that leave me? I don't know. Worst case scenario today was the only day to re-enlist for that deal. Best case scenario I will take and pass a PT test sooner than next month and I can re-enlist and go somewhere else. I am thinking best option and actual chance will be Ft Lewis WA. I guess part of this is to come back and bite me because it is my fault I haven't passed the PT test... Garr this is irritating.

I think a lot of me was in a mode to just keep going until I got to Kansas. The weekly cycle is so routine and hard at the same time. I don't have anything against getting out of my comfort zone as I know I lived most of my life. Basic and AIT were not this hard spiritually. It continually wears on me, not having an active community of support or other Christians to fellowship with on other than Sunday. I don't know how people that only attend church once a week can spiritually survive. It is so harsh and I have little reason to believe it could be much better in any other unit in Europe cause all the units are small everywhere. From what I hear, my chapel is one of the largest in the European Command as far as participants, I think there are about 40-50 regulars.

I hope this trial turns for the better. Perhaps I am approaching this new development with a hard heart because I saw what I wanted and made plans and hopes of something not in my control. Maybe this is a flash to remind me I am not the one in control. I love the people I am around and I know the Gospel has been lived through me at points that they know I am different for God. It hurts to think that I will be in this spiritual situation for so much longer though...

GAR WHY WHY

I think I have made it more than clear on multiple occasions that I am really spiritually isolated over here and was looking forward to going to Kansas with the rest of my unit. At the beginning it was a letdown because I didn't get much of a chance to explore the lands. I found with the company that surrounds me, I would rather not go explore the surrounding countries with them. They don't want to hit the same sites as myself. In addition the overall spiritual atmosphere or lack thereof has been probably the most continually trying I have ever experienced in my life. As the time passed, I realized I am the only single Christian out of the 280 people in my unit. Due to the overall likelihood that I'd be going to Kansas, I started to accept it.

I talked to people that had been there and found that a major college was very close by. The thought of a very large post in addition to a large college campus, in my mind greatly increases the chances of finding more single Christians. I figured I was most likely to go to Kansas out of everyone in my section because I had been there the longest, I wanted to go, and I thought one of us had to go. Well... two of the three are true.

I got the word from my officer, who can actually talk to the commander about what is really happening, because I still didn't really know if I was staying or going. I was about 80% sure I was going and was happy with that situation. Well as it turns out, I am not slated to leave. The bad part is that it comes from the European Command, so I can't get that changed unless I re-enlist. Something I have learned, if you ever want something that truly benefits you from the Army you have to re-enlist to get it. I got put on a list that gives me a special opportunity to re-enlist without adding my time, since I am supposed to be out by Jan 09, I could sign the paper for 3 years and be out in Mar 09 instead, not a high price to pay to go somewhere else.

I anxiously awaited to find out what options were available for me to go, this should’ve been quite a few since everyone needs my job specialty everywhere... I find out from the re-enlistment NCO that I can't re-enlist because I am flagged for PT. That is I have not passed a PT test yet. Oh wait it gets so much better though, because the meeting I had this morning about the re-enlistments, is why I missed the PT test today!!! The last one I missed by 4 seconds, it was 20 degrees outside and just ugly. It wasn't that much better but I know my running has improved that I can confidently say I will pass the next test. So where does that leave me? I don't know. Worst case scenario today was the only day to re-enlist for that deal. Best case scenario I will take and pass a PT test sooner than next month and I can re-enlist and go somewhere else. I am thinking best option and actual chance will be Ft Lewis WA. I guess part of this is to come back and bite me because it is my fault I haven't passed the PT test... Garr this is irritating.

I think a lot of me was in a mode to just keep going until I got to Kansas. The weekly cycle is so routine and hard at the same time. I don't have anything against getting out of my comfort zone as I know I lived most of my life. Basic and AIT were not this hard spiritually. It continually wears on me, not having an active community of support or other Christians to fellowship with on other than Sunday. I don't know how people that only attend church once a week can spiritually survive. It is so harsh and I have little reason to believe it could be much better in any other unit in Europe cause all the units are small everywhere. From what I hear, my chapel is one of the largest in the European Command as far as participants, I think there are about 40-50 regulars.

I hope this trial turns for the better. Perhaps I am approaching this new development with a hard heart because I saw what I wanted and made plans and hopes of something not in my control. Maybe this is a flash to remind me I am not the one in control. I love the people I am around and I know the Gospel has been lived through me at points that they know I am different for God. It hurts to think that I will be in this spiritual situation for so much longer though...