Babysitting and Bouncing

I suppose I should start the caveat that my baby sitting experience is very limited… I’ve done it once… with a bilingual toddler… she would interchange between German and English. I was helping out an Army buddy so he and his wife could have a night out and they put her down before they left, so it really was not too difficult but I am generally still afraid of small children. This has not stopped numerous friends from handing me their little ones over the years, so I could say there has been a progression of absolutely irrational fear to uncertain fear of clumsiness. Still to this day, I fear I may randomly fall on a small child and seriously injure them, I do not know why as this is not nor has been a pattern but it is a constant fear I have around small children.

Being a Bouncer however, I have gained more experience in the recent months. It started out as a random opportunity that has continued on for the diversity of company and unique experiences I probably will not have in grad school or at church. I have been regularly working at rather upscale lounge/bar/club for several months. I spend most of the time directing people towards the bathroom and ensuring the line moves smoothly and fairly. Seldom are there kerfuffles which I usually do not get to get between. Prior to a couple weeks ago the best bit of action was getting between several Marines and a gentleman wearing part of a Marine uniform per his style. All parties were inebriated thus tempers flew and I was thankful for my girth.

A couple weeks ago, midway through the shift I had a serious “I don’t need this” moment. In the span of twenty minutes, a patron partially puked on me as he was running to a stall and a drunken patron lambasted me with insults for no reason whatsoever. In the moment it was almost text book drunk napoleon complex. The gentleman was well into his 40’s, I stood several inches above him and physics were clearly in my favor. In retrospect he was so gone, I doubt he would remember any part of that exchange, but it did grieve me to see such darkness flow from incoherent thought. It was the first time I can remember across any of my security type of jobs which I was genuinely angry at a patron, given my position and his behavior I could’ve easily justified force, but something restrained me in that moment.

Shortly after I ejected him from the venue, I recognized a similarity in an area of life that I fear so much. Drunken people often behave little better (if not worse) than toddlers, and they are adults… The humor I found in that observation has painted a quaint smirk when the going gets tough. Another realization I found was the humility I must maintain on duty in order to de-escalate situations. Nowhere in any official security type training is this mindset advocated or discussed, but in my experience doing security as ministry and service at large, we must conduct ourselves first in humility. Humble enough to let patrons speak the vilest words towards you or the people you care about without so much as a flinch. Humble enough to get vomited on without complaint. Humble enough to remember the purpose of a job in even the most unconventional places is not for the pay.

To Drink or Not To Drink?

As I was reading a very interesting book that will have its own blogs of thoughts and reflections it just struck me that I should write this. Whatever it turns into here's your warning this is completely spontaneous. I am on the eve of finishing my clearing process and thus leaving a place that has been my domicile (I still refuse to call it home) for the last 13 months in a country I have called my residence for 2 years. I suppose this warrants some amount of reflection. It might even help the fact me accept the fact that I actually am leaving.

The first thought that comes to mind started around June or July of 2005. When I first saw there was the strong chance I was going to be stationed in Germany I immediately thought about what I could do to make a meaningful, apparent and bold statement of faith through my lifestyle while residing in a foreign country. At that time I was still trying to learn how to move past the spiritual separation I experienced upon leaving home while finding a livable medium in which I was not a “holy rolling judgmental Christian” but was not one of the crowd either. The idea and reality that it was normal for young adults to go out on a weekend basis if not more often and completely give themselves up to such worldly living was still a bit of a lifestyle shock to me. I never attended a gathering prior to the military where my peers were drinking and… yea. All of it.

As I reflect upon those months in Arizona and saw what people did with the freedom they had, even as limited as it was; I know my response had be something drastic. Germany is famous for their beer. I was still unsure how to respond to the offers of alcohol. While at Arizona, I was under 21 and had the weak reason by social standards but an easy one as to why I did not drink. I wanted to follow the law. I knew going to Germany where the legal age if you want to call it that was 18, and I was 21 upon arrival, the excuse that got me through several months would not hold up in the regular Army. Talking to reclassing soldiers (those getting a new job & training) the stories of Germany were not very encouraging to me and my desire to remain faithful throughout the duration of my service.

It was during those months that I had made a commitment to God that I will not willingly or knowingly consume an alcoholic beverage while on my overseas tour. I wouldn't call it a covenant because it was something I wanted to lay before God as a sacrifice; I was not expecting anything in return. I can think of two close calls which I might have compromised myself and my commitment, one was eating cake that had rum in it that I found out upon chewing it that there was a small presence of rum not cooked out of the cake. The other was when I popped my first whole German chocolate candy in my mouth; it was filled with something that I didn't like that was alcoholic. Following that experience I learned how to read the ingredients on the back of chocolates. It is rather difficult to find non-alcoholic assorted chocolates. I must say with brutal honesty that this was not easy to complete. This was reflected upon in What did I get myself into?

The first year was by far the most difficult. It probably didn't help that I spent the majority of my free time playing WoW in the barracks hallway on the weekends which I would see the habits of the second floor population. Actually, I kind of prided myself at times that at certain points I simply by smelling the drink I could tell people what they had put in it. My unit put serious effort trying to get me to drink. On one humorous point, the easiest way to get lots of free alcohol is to tell people you don't drink. There were also days that had taken their toll on my spirit. Between work or personal stress, I am certain if it was not for my commitment to abstain I would have drank myself to the clear point of sin. In that respect I think I can somewhat empathize with people that do drink to escape the problems of the day. I think there has been a several occasions that it was through people's curiosity about my decision that I was able to share Christ with them. It was astonishing to me how many found such a simple action as to abstain was seen a drastic move. Throughout this challenge, I must also keep my pride in check. It was not by my power that this commitment was fulfilled.

Like many of my decisions of abstinence, after several months of practicing a grander idea came to mind about what could be gained from such experience. Hopefully, I can speak as one who has experience about alcohol and peer pressure. Living in a country which beer is more normal than water, at an appropriate age, and appropriate places, I have had every justification to partake. Except that I wanted to lay before God a part of my life that I had not used until I committed it to them (remember the Trinity). There is a part of me that hopes these years of experience will encourage a high school student or college student how to address the prevalence of alcohol in today's culture and how it meshes or conflicts with our relationship with Christ. I don't pretend to have a mask that it doesn't bother me that many of my peers drink alcohol, I know there are plenty of scriptural examples that show it is not the act of drinking that is sin in anyway. After all, Jesus' first public miracle was making good wine. I know this is a question that every person must answer for him or herself. For me, for this period of time, it was a choice not to drink.

This is where it starts to get curious. On one hand I am experiencing a sense of accomplishment and joy because through God's strength I remained true to my commitment. I am preparing to return to the states, now a full fledged legal adult at 23, I am in a similar situation to ponder, upon the completion of this commitment do I want to try an alcoholic beverage? In complete honesty this question has come to mind several times and I have not made any solidly committed decision, which I think I will before I get on the airplane this week. While I am very curious what some drinks taste like, I don't think that curiosity is enough to possibly tempt myself or become vulnerable alcohol or the possible abuse of it an extremely active issue in the military. I don't know why I am delaying a committed decision so much; it is not like I spent months in agony or meditation for the first commitment. For the sake of continuing to submit myself to God's will, to make myself open and always alert to what I might be shown, I here and now extend my commitment to the duration of my enlistment.

Epilogue: I had my first drink with a friend from Germany back at home. God brought us together that our friendship could continue. I was the designated driver for him from time to time in Germany and in one of our conversations I agreed to have a drink with him if it was reasonable. Even in my civilian years there have been numerous occasions which I have abstained from alcohol. Whenever I work at Hume, no drinking is included in the contract. When I was in student leadership at William Jessup, no drinking. When I deployed to Afghanistan as a civilian, no drinking. When I was an undergraduate at Biola, no drinking. Through these experiences, especially not being able to drink as a 28 year old undergraduate I was able to recognize the heart of submission to authorities I have voluntarily accepted. Integrity ought to be worth more than a light buzz.

Wanting to Belong?

I think a lot of this became much clearer to me in the last week or two. The Saturday before last I went to play poker with some friends. Something to get out and heck, it was only a few bucks so why not. I suppose that could refer to James 4:17 as something that for me was not wrong and wasn't sinful, I don't doubt if a couple people might raise an eyebrow about the whole poker thing. The thing that really stuck out to me was how our ministry could be hindered.

I think a one of the couples there are Christians, I don't get to work with him very much but I did notice for the most part he doesn't curse and I know his wife definitely was raised to be Christian and she holds onto some of that. We had some good theological conversations and discussions about Christian music that also would persuade me to believe they are Christians. At the same time on of the things discussed at this last week’s bible study was concerning people who have said the prayer of salvation but do not or have not produced fruit, that topic might be a blog on its own. Anyways, they both got drunk that night, it was rather entertaining and made winning from them much easier in the course of the night, but in retrospect, it hit me how they didn't differentiate themselves from the other couple. I think it was clear that the other couple are not Christians.

A couple Friday night's ago there was a Unit Ball, it was as a whole deathly boring even for a formal event, I thought I had high tolerance to formals but wow, that was almost painful. One of the couples I know from church were there they were having some drinks, hey no big deal why not? They have their own reasons for wanting to drink. I feel like much of my experiences I view a step back from everyone else around me, like I am watching them all and not actually taking part in the events with them. I wondered, “How many Christians reduce aspects of ministry by taking part in the social norms?” I think drinking is definitely one of those social norms. By us taking part in the normal activities that the world takes part in, how many opportunities do we lose to show people our difference? I honestly think sometimes the more different my life is from everyone else the more enjoyable it will be. There are so many unhappy people around me, and I believe their lack of fulfillment is because of how they live their lives. It is like two manuals to life; the easily popular one is the way the world goes about things, and then there is the way the Bible instructs us.

There are several black and white guidelines that clearly tell us the do's and don'ts, but as I have gone about my life seeking to know God, I came to realize many if not all the guidelines in scripture are there for a good reason. These are principals that make sense without needing to have a relationship with God, knowing God just makes it that much better! As we go further in our lives we can expand to live more differently than just the do's and don'ts of scripture.

I think that is what gets these ideas to abstain from certain lifestyles and activities than the rest of the world seems crazy and extreme while we are enjoying life so much more. Through not experiencing things we are getting more out of life. This is completely against the most common attempt to persuade me to do something, “just try it once, how will you know it is not for you when you haven’t experienced it for yourself?” How many times have we all heard that one? For some reason people have this need to experience something to know if it is good or bad in order to learn something. I don't know if I stuck a fork in an outlet when I was little to figure it was a bad thing, but I think this is a perfect example to show this part of us starts early. There are some things we don't need to try that we are willing to take on faith, I don't know many people that will attempt to be poisoned to know that it really is poisonous. Where is the line society has drawn on what is it okay to take by faith and what is okay to take by experience?

Does this have to do with a need to belong? By experiencing some of the more painful aspects of life is that how we can greater connect with people? I remember hearing something like this in a sermon some years ago, that Christians should take things by faith and as we have become more faithful to more things we understand why we are to live such ways. I think the speaker said that was God simply checking to see if we can obey and then revealing the "why" is a reward for being faithful.

What Did I Get Myself Into?

Written 11 November 05

            It was sometime in Advanced Individual Training (AIT) when I decided not drink after I found out I was going to spend two years in Germany, for now it is not while I am in the Army. It is likely to expand to probably the greater portion of my life in not it all. Something I am certainly learning though is this is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. In AIT it was a new experience, just hanging out in an atmosphere where alcohol was synonymous with leisure, I figured people would go a little crazy since it had been about three months without being able to drink or smoke for everyone in my platoon. I figured, “Ehh they just wanted to make up for lost time.” But as the freedom increased, the drinking did not decrease. Many of my peers spent every morsel of their weekend at hotel parties. Is this what everyone is talking about when they refer to the college scene? After all, the demographics are about the same, except we will always get paid on time. It was definitely easier in AIT. I was under age, not that this was a deal breaker but it was an acceptable reason to abstain. I suppose at the time that was my reason for not wanting to drink. Trying to have a social life within my bounds of behavior is proving to be difficult. I have yet to find a group of Christians or another practicing single Christian with which to hang. As I get to know the people in my unit I don't think there are any single male Christians in my company. It seems the majority of the people I would be inclined to hang out with (more mature and see things closer to how I see them) happen to be married.

            Last night I went to the Irish Pub, it was my first bar experience. There was nothing terrible about it, no raging alcoholics; a rather uneventful experience. I am getting used to being in an environment with alcohol and not partaking but for some reason there is a little part of me that wants to try some. I faced similar feelings at Chi-Chi's on Tuesday night also, the margaritas looked tasty. There are a range of people that surround me at these events, almost always someone asks me if I want one and most people make no big deal about not drinking, but others do press on that I take “just a taste”. I’m sure many have started with “just a taste.” I know I am not going to get drunk off of a sip, but that is not the point. My goal is to get through the Army without drinking; to take a sip in my mind would ruin it.

I am feeling the pressure, I have thought “hey, maybe if I just take a sip then they'd stop bugging me and that would be that.” However, that is not how sin always knocks on our doors. I doubt there are many alcoholics who seek out to let it ruin their life. Now don't get confused that I am claiming it is a sin to drink, far from it. After all Christ's first public miracle was creating wine from water, and it was the good stuff. There are even references that note the health benefits to take a drink. At the same time we are instructed not to get drunk. For me I am speaking of James 4:17 in this situation. Sin is not a line dictated exactly through scripture. Because sin is a separation between us and God and our connection to God is a personal one, then the separation is also at the personal level. That is how some things can be sin for some people and some things are not sin for others, at the same time I need to be honest with myself of my daily battles.

Over the last 3 months while people have been offering me and at sometimes nearly forcing alcohol down my throat I have done some thinking as to make a more meaningful reason to why I don't drink and to stay committed to that decision. I think this is one of the best ways of describing how Christians might fit into this world. We are to live our lives differently than those around us. How we live our lives differently is to our own deciding. I think one of the most effective ways of living differently is not taking part in activities that we have every right to take part in. I see my decision of not drinking as something that greatly separates me from the vast majority of those around me. By sacrificing this small and unused area in my life to God, that it will become much more than I see it as now.

I am of legal age both in Germany and in the US, there are no cultural qualms against the use of alcohol as something unusual or odd, in fact it is rather norm. In the US we have hotdogs and burgers, Germany has beer and bratwurst, it is a very normal thing to drink. So with every right to take part in this aspect of life and even a way to better fit in to the culture, I should take part in drinking, but I think it is just those same reasons that makes my sacrifice all the more useful for God to use. I suppose in the scheme of things there are also such reasons as it is not healthy, it is expensive, and it doesn't taste good, I know I have used those at some time or another but to treat this as a spiritual act of worship, puts its importance to stay faithful so much higher than any secular reason. Since I have laid this down before God, to me, if I do take a drink it would be a sin. I felt compelled to write this for two reasons, because it is getting harder to continue to say "no" and I am asking for your prayers to keep me strong and true to my decisions. It is also something of value to let you all know how I am really doing.

Epilogue: I took my first drink as a promise to a good friend in Germany, that if we encountered one another after the Army I would have my first drink with him. God did reunite us in the most evident ways, that should probably be a blog for its own time.