Solitude: A Narrative

March 2005

The tension builds as our Drill Sergeants demonstrate to us the proper wear of the beret. This is the award a soldier received in the completion of Basic Combat Training. Our commander runs through the drill and ceremony command of “Don berets!” and the National Anthem is played. I remember Jonathan mentioning that after Basic he found it odd that tears flowed at the sound of the tune. I understood that sentiment, I too had a couple tears fall. The anthem did not mean anything more or less, only the understanding of sacrifice deepened. There is also a sense of joy, those who have served in the past, I now get to join their ranks as a brother in arms.

For the last week or so, we knew Family Day was coming. Basic is all but over, we have qualified in our soldering tasks, completed our final field training exercises, the hard part was more than over. We were excited to be finished, to be Soldiers. Much of that week was spent preparing our nearly bare dress uniforms which would be the final mark that we were indeed soldiers. There were logistical details from our Drill Sergeants being forwarded on a regular basis. That week the most soldierly thing we did was clean our weapons to excess. I don’t really recall what we talked about other than respective girlfriends or missed food and alcohol. I longed to eat better food but I had neither a girlfriend nor a preferred drink to miss, it was still  few months before I hit 21. There was an unspoken excitement, particularly among the National Guardsmen and Reservists. After these eight weeks they would go home to their families, it made sense they would be present for the graduation. Us, active duty, we would simply get on the bus and head to our next training site. It was not until the day of, that we learned we would take a non-stop bus from Fort Leonard Wood Missouri to Huachuca Arizona. It turned out we were graduating during Spring Break and plane tickets were too difficult to acquire, or that was what our Drill SGTs relayed to us. I preferred that idea more, that meant more freedom, as we would have a new complement of Drill SGTs to greet us. I would take a 30-hour bus ride over a 3 hour flight any day of the week under those conditions.

I wanted to shrug it all off as my comrades were excited to be greeted by family at graduation. It was an easy calculation, between the flight and hotel, it would be wholly impractical to want anyone to come watch my graduation. California was a long way from Missouri, the roads were unclear. Could mom even navigate to find where on base we would be? All this for a few hours of family time before we board the bus for our next evolution of training. It isn’t worth it, it can’t be. So I convince Mom that I didn’t want her to bother with going to graduation. This is what it means to be a soldier right? Think of the practical choices more than what would be nice. I have endured plenty of difficult things, this is just another thing to shrug off…Besides, this next bit of training is only a few more months before I get leave between my final duty station. By then I’ll even have some leave saved up so I won’t have to go broke to be home. I’ve barely been gone two months, I need to prepare to be gone for years. That is what Iraq will have for me.

December 2005

My first Christmas away from home. Most of the unit is gone on block leave, there might be ¼ of us left here, more or less going through the motions. I am in Germany after all. I get to see snow and with most of the unit gone, the days will be really relaxed, and they were. I had just been home in August, it didn’t make sense to go home after only a 3 months away, plus have you seen the price of the plane tickets? Way not worth it, I’ll just go home next year…

February 2009

The last 48 hours are kind of surreal, the same kind like when we took our first steps in Kuwait and the bright sun shone in our faces with a biting brilliance never before experienced. We are all exhausted. Between the 30+ hours of flying, waiting in the ever so cushy “Freedom Zone” between Customs and our flight back towards civilization, everything in me is just gone. We are finally offloading the plane back at Fort Hood. I see the Division Band, but between the keeping in step and not wanting to fall down the flight stairs I’ll just look onward. I’m glad the band got to go home early, we were all tired. It was too bad they have to do all these “welcome home” gigs. I have no idea what I’ll be doing for the next weeks or months, but I know it wouldn’t be much.

We get on the buses and I’m trying to recognize where we were. I didn’t travel around Texas much. I was with the unit only a couple months before we deployed and I didn’t own a car. Beyond the main streets of the base, I’m lost. I think we had a police escort on the way back to base, that was a nice gesture. As the buses pull up and I look for other single friends who will be just as bored after this I am unsuccessful. I was one of the lucky ones to get back with the first group as the unit demobilized. It would take a week or so before the whole unit gets back, even then people will go on leave almost immediately. I will have two, maybe three weeks of absolute chill, but since I’m not taking leave just yet, it will be paid vacation!

The buses pull up to Division Headquarters, finally somewhere familiar. We unload from the bus, leave our bags, and instructed to get in formation. Oh, right there will be a “welcome back speech” cause the Army loovess ceremonies. I just want a shower and a real bed. We form up all nice and pretty, thank goodness we are outside. It is hot and none of us have showered in at least 30 hours, possibly 48. I wish I remembered to bring more baby wipes for the trip back. As we get the instructions from the Sergeant in charge we are going to have a “move that bus” kind of reveal because Extreme Home Makeover is all the rage and our loved ones are waiting to see us. Well, everyone else’s loved ones. I didn’t want Mom to get lost travelling again. Finances are always tight, I’ll be home soon anyways, this time for good (or so I thought). I’ve been alone this whole time, this is nothing.

“Dis-missed!” Oh, thank goodness the speech was short. That is a man that knows his soldiers! As we walk across the parade field, the formation now broken, families run for each other. It is worth noting, when everyone is wearing a uniform it is really hard to spot anyone individually. I see young couples express their joy. Fathers hug their children. This is a beautiful sight to see. Wait, did that guy just kiss a bottle of Johnnie Walker? I guess his wife really knows him… I get off the parade field and look for the bus with my dufflebag. I’ll be living out this until my belongs get out of storage, that might take a week or two. I need to find where I’ll be living. Good for everyone else, but I’ll celebrate when I get home…

“Joe!!!” Did someone call my name? Who here knows me by my first name? Oh! It is Max and Tiff! Good thing I have friends in the band. I tell them the situation and Max says he’ll pick me up after I get settled in my new barracks room. It is still the late morning, we are going to hit the town! This is a particular gift, I wasn’t expecting anyone to do anything for me. Here are some friends AND they want to spend the day with me. It is going to be a good day.

Hard Lessons Simple Truths pt II

In Part I, I started tell you about the experiential understanding of some of God’s simple truths. I did not realize this would be a series until the pages were filled in part I. This series seeks to focus on highlighting the opportunities God has given me, through hard lessons, to recognize his simple truths.

I think at the time, the simple truths were a bit less concise or complete. For a number of years I summarized the simple truths as “patience” and/or “sovereignty”. Two summers ago, eminent scholar, Screamer veteran, and strong puncher, Jerry Root summarized the simple truths to “He is God, He loves me, He knows what is best for me.” This was certainly a more relational summary than my one word doctrinal statements. Years later after an Introduction to Theology class at Biola, what has been known cannot be unknown. The character of God and his attributes from a scholarly approach may appear daunting, at the same time Romans has made much of it plain to us.

The first installment left off with the personal frustrations I had as I returned back to civilian life. Well, sort of. The Providence Verified series follows a chronological record of God’s clear hand guiding my path in the recent years. This series overlaps chronologically but tells the stories and trials I experienced while being precisely where God had me be. I had to shelve this one for a few weeks while I got caught up in the other series for chronological continuity. Let’s get on with this.

In a 6-week period, I put in my two weeks, got hired by a new division in my company, moved to Texas, and started a deployment in Afghanistan. Of the two challenges which confronted me during that time and throughout the deployment one has at best a tentative answer still. When I was active duty and Uncle Sam called my number to go to war, I could easily write it off as “this is out of my hands” or “I am being sent”, although I kind of did volunteer to go to a unit to deliberately go to Iraq. In this situation, I left a great job, which although the conditions were much less enjoyable than when I first started working, it was still the best job and opportunity available without leaving my community. As a contractor, I had to seek a job knowing I would go to another war. No flag to hide behind, no government orders making me go, I had to seek out a job, go through the interview process, and convince my company why they should send me to war. Yes, the job was in direct support and supervision of active duty personnel, but the conditions were still different.

I sold more than a year of my life. For those of you who do not know, private military contracting is very lucrative for anyone. At that time, truck drivers without military experience driving convoys of supplies in Iraq and Afghanistan were making over 100K/yr. The pay scales moved up from there. I knew several contractors who were veterans in Iraq and got an idea of the pay scale for even entry level analyst jobs. In fairness, entry-level in that career field meant at least 2 years active military experience with a deployment already under one’s belt. Anyways, there are many jobs which people do solely for the money. Isn’t that why most of us go to work? So that we can get paid? Some of us will be lucky enough to do something we love and get paid, but there are significant portions of the population punching the card to get to the next day. I knew in taking the new job position I was deliberately selling myself. The notion still feels odd. I never wanted to live a life in which chasing the paycheck was the objective, but I still took the job. I justified and still tend to justify that decision by those digits in my bank account that grew from that job. Yes, I got to do my part making the Afghani people and Coalition Forces safer. There was always that aspect of job satisfaction but I couldn’t shake it that I named my price and took it. There was nothing morally wrong about my job, it did not put me in any positions which I had to do anything against my conscience or faith, but it still felt odd. I still justify it because of the financial positioning the job provided… It is done. I do not like to justify the means by the ends, but this chapter is how it went.

The nagging sense of selling myself was not a problem during the deployment. I was awestruck with each paycheck. In retrospect it was a convicting manner to see what I valued at the time. I left my church community, a good job, and great friends for those digits in an account. The part about the deployment which made it my most difficult year was the fellowship. Between my status as a contractor and working night shift, I could not attend any chapels on base. When I was active duty my section allowed for me to attend a weekly Bible Study with some guys from my unit. It did not take long before I realized how much I underestimated God’s blessing on me in Iraq then when I was in Afghanistan. The support a community of faith can provide became measureable to me. I bonded well with my coworkers. We had a small team, only a handful of us stayed for more than a year, the active duty people rotated with a new crew and command several times. Some crews were more friendly than others, some were outright hostile towards faith. We I took the job, I figured I would continue reading to keep my faith vibrant as I did in Iraq. The near complete lack of fellowship in Afghanistan took its toll. It didn’t matter I was reading regularly, working out, eating mostly clean, the lack of fellowship and encouragement the Body of Christ ought to provide to one another was painful.

People often focus on the physical danger war presents. In Iraq we went several months between rocket attacks, I don’t think we had more than 8 days without a rocket hitting our base in Afghanistan. I chuckle, as my last week on the deployment, I am certain I saw a rocket pass over my head by 20 ft or so, it was a good signal that I was ready to leave. The physical danger was nothing compared to spiritual emptiness I felt throughout the deployment. I gained a clearer understanding of the priority between the physical and immaterial.

When I got home from Afghanistan things were different. I dare not say the evil acronym many associate with military service. I am certain it was not that. I think a spiritual thirstiness was present. I got back from Afghanistan December of 2011. By the following January I was taking classes at William Jessup to finish my degree. As much as I love Biola, I know I needed to be at Jessup that first year back in civilian life. There was a proportionally significant veteran population on campus and for some things it takes a veteran to help a veteran. The thirstiness practically felt like an immaterial mist separating myself from others around me. It flirted with the line of tangibility, but it was constantly present in public. It was not until I returned to Hume Lake the summer of 2012, that I felt the cloud lifted and have not turned back since. Hume was already a dear place to me, this was just another example why it is so important to me.

Throughout the Afghanistan deployment I knew God was demonstrating his sovereignty to me. He carried me through yet another war. Even in periods of silence, his presence was constant. Like my isolation in Germany that first year, sometimes it takes the most challenging of conditions for us to have the opportunity to see God for who he is. The noise of the world fades to the background and one is confronted with the brutal truth of a fallen world and a sin nature. Despite this, God is present, he loves me and he was able to take care of me. Even more than that, I have seen and felt God’s faithfulness through numerous trials. Like a dependable friend that has been there through thick and thin, no wait, that is insufficient. God has carried me through the hard times, especially through those moments when I was barely holding on.

Providence Verified pt. IV - Going Back to War

As 2009 carried on and God’s providence was so clearly evident, I started looking for God’s active hand, or quiet whisper as life carried on. In that year, I became a civilian again, worked at Hume Lake, and got a real job. Most of it was made possible by powers not in my control, yet I was the beneficiary of those events coming together. I spent a year working at the site. It was a great time of hanging out with Dave again, getting to see my field from a civilian perspective and being surrounded by veterans and active duty personnel.

The prime reason I moved back home, I was able to continue on in Youth Ministry as volunteer staff. It was different as a full class of students had gone through with little contact to me. There was a clear reward to see students whom I mentored as Freshmen in high school were then the college Freshmen leading new high school students. The cycle of ministry was fulfilled.

The first months in the new job were promising. Flexible schedules, great leadership, fantastic salary, I thought I had won the life lottery. I could finally get on with life, instead of going off into foreign lands for extended periods of time. When I returned to Hume, I figured it was a last hurrah and I had to grow up with my professional job and stop longing for the college days. Funny, I never got the college experience… When I was in community college I was working two part time jobs and trying to figure out how to adult. I don’t think I was very good at it.

I was able to return to Hume the following summer. It was only a week, as a counselor with my guys. As a nice reminder of the little things, for my five summers as a high school camper at Hume, I sought the Recreation (Rec) Championship. I know I took it too far, my graduate summer was especially difficult. We had a stacked team and were contenders. That summer we lost by a 25-point margin in the scale of tens of thousands of points. Summer 2010 was about the ministry, to keep that focus clear, I had the freshmen cabin. All bets were off. Isn’t that usually when God makes his hand known the most? There was a slight edge, my lifeguard experience provided me with strategy on how to do well at Rec. Although my cabin was Freshmen, the other guy cabin we were partnered with were graduating seniors, they had come to win! And win we did. It is rare that a team who takes first place, is the team who leaves with the championship. There are a number of make-or-break moments throughout the week. Yet we prevailed. The whole week, every ounce of me wanted to be with my students cheering for victory, but as a leader, it was my duty to encourage good sportsmanship and focus on the eternal, not a T-shirt. Was that a lesson about the desires of our heart? Something about seek first his kingdom? Oh to reminisce, those were such good years...

When I returned to Hume, I saw many friends from the previous summer, including Charlie. He mentioned I should visit again during the summer, I told him I would consider it. When 4th of July rolled around I was able to get a long weekend. One thing from my experiences overseas, I’m not a fan of explosions beyond a certain magnitude. It isn’t the sound or the sight, but if you are close enough to the blast, you can sometimes feel the concussion of air that moves through your whole body. You can feel it down to your bones. It doesn’t bother me, but I just don’t like the feeling. Hume goes all out for 4th of July like many the classic small towns across the nation. I spent the weekend with some friends at Hume and ended up working Security for a bit. By working I really meant, hanging out with Charlie for several hours to direct buses. It would have been so great to work for him, but alas that season had passed…

I mentioned when I got hired at my new job, I was one of many new additions to the site. By the following fall and through numerous growing pains we were informed a significant portion of the team were going to be laid off. The terms of the contract and funding changed, that is the life as a contractor. By the time that news was delivered I was already looking for different opportunities. To accommodate the increase in personnel, our site mirrored closer to our active duty counterparts who maintained 24/7 support. In order to keep up with that schedule and ensure people were not getting stuck with the preferred shifts, there was a regular shift rotation setup. The impending change would have prevented both my continued involvement at church and prevented me from taking any classes to finish my degree.

I did not yet have a plan, but seeing the evolution of the site, I put in my two weeks. I returned home to be with my church, that was the first priority. This was convenient for my leadership as they did not have to release someone who was not looking for an exit, especially those coworkers who had families. In that kind of job, in that location, there was no other place one could work in that part of the state. That was the deal. After a heavy bit of praying, I concluded I need to change my career field altogether. At best I would eventually have to move to the East Coast, at worst I would remain on a constantly rotating schedule that I would be bound to.

I did a little bit of searching and before my two weeks hit, I was hired by another division within the company. I was going to Afghanistan. My new division was based out of Ohio, but being a deployed position, I was free to move wherever (or not) I chose. In the month long whirlwind of resigning from my old position, training that took me to Ohio, Virginia, and Washington D.C., I also managed to move to Texas. After the moving expenses and the rent overhead, I still saved substantial money by moving to Texas. Becoming a Texas resident also provided advantages that Californians cannot join.

I spent 14 months in Kandahar, Afghanistan. This was the hardest season of my life. It wasn’t the mediocre food (compared to Iraq, it was a serious downer), the weekly rocket attacks, or the 80-hour work weeks. It was there that I tangibly learned the essential need for fellowship the Christian has. It was there that the notion one can have of living their faith in isolation without any form of fellowship was utter nonsense. But, God is and was sovereign and he carried me through it all.

The Prayer I Am Afraid to Pray

Before I dive into my semi-rant/ melancholy diatribe which is what prompted me to start writing; I think it is best to start with the good news. The last two months have been among the best I have had in the last 4 years. Never in my military career have I had such a strong, regular fellowship with a body of Believers. About two months ago, I learned of a small bible study composed of several guys in my unit. After myself and another passionate brother joined the study has exploded. I am in constant awe of the people that continue to join, the progress we can see God works each week, and the constant phileo we share.

The blessings continue in more than just the Sunday night Bible study. Since most of us work nearby I see many of my brothers on a daily basis. We speak often of how we can teach something new or what has been on our hearts. The explosion is not limited to just the Sunday attendance, outreach and the aura of the Spirit has filled the building when we are nearby. The Holy Spirit’s presence is nearby and constantly blessing us. Out of my heart’s response to such stimulation I think that is why I have been on a frenzy of reading, studying, and abstaining from video games for going on 3 months. Few of you can appreciate how big of an accomplishment it is to willingly abstain from games for so long.

We continue to bless each other, be it a Christian Song of the Day email and our discussions of kingdom things via email. I have also gotten the idea to bring my archives of North Coast Sermons, which I have been archiving for the past 3 years, to work. All of a sudden 140 messages looks kind of small when I am going through 3-5 per day. I didn’t want to scare anyone that I am in an overall mode of distress/frustration with such a piercingly honest title. In fact, it is just the opposite; I am cradled in the spirit and surrounded by God’s presence.

From my better approximations I am about 6 months away from being a civilian again. The Light at the End of the Tunnel brightens each week as we get closer to returning home. I look forward to my return back to the States as just a prelude to grander celebration. There are still many prayers to be done concerning the exact transition and dates which are needed to allow me to return to Hume for summer ’09 and the rest of my civilian transition. There are not many ways to compare the anticipation to leave the Army. I am proud of the service I have given. I also await anxiously to practice the liberties I have served to protect. I will forever be grateful of the things I have experienced, the lessons I learned, and people I have met while serving my country.

I guess to truly see where my angst is rooted I must return to Sept of '05, when I was contemplating my enlistment. I knew what I wanted to accomplish in life with almost the same clarity as I do now. The means to accomplish those goals were what I needed the Army to assist me. I was 20 years old, at a bit of a crossroads in my life, one which offered me a new start at a local seminary with little to no means of financing those goals and the realistic notion that a 22 year old seminary trained individual would not find a serious ministry to lead in a properly discerning church. My singleness was a major factor of my personal identity. I wanted to be the “Nice Guy”, I didn’t fear the “Friends Zone.” I knew at that time, just as I did in high school, I wanted a wife, not a girlfriend.

As part of my personal conditions for enlisting I knew I would remain single throughout my Army career. I viewed the soon to be Army life as a spiritual battleground which I needed to use to sharpen my faith, knowledge, and life experience. I suppose that was one of the reasons I refused to enlist for more than 4 years. Within my first year I was reassured of my decision and rather certain the type of woman I seek to be my wife would not be found in the Army. Throughout the training period, there were many high school sweethearts and long time girlfriends which either sent a Dear John Letter or got a ring when they and their soldier faced re-location or long term geographic separation.

While my financial status is substantially better than most people of my age, I see it just the opposite for the married enlisted soldier. There have been few couples I know of who do not have to live month-to-month to get by. The finances of most soldiers puts a significant stranglehold on many families. I saw it better to delay my own family then put them through such potential hardship. Even more, I expect, as most soldiers are instructed to expect, upon our transition back to civilian life, we should have several months worth of expenses saved because it will take time to get a job. I have no problem living off of my savings, but when others depend upon me, I cannot afford such a risk. I think the obligation to family, uncertainty of the jobs on the outside, and short leash of financial balance is what prompts many mid-grade individuals into going the full 20 years for retirement.

So here I am, 24 years old and months away from rejoining the civilian populace. I don’t know if it is envy, impatience or a combination of both which have been stirring in me more noticeably in the recent years, but I am tired of being single. To say been there and done that would be an understatement. The frustration started to peek its head through when I wrote the Joy of Being Single Pt I & II. Those were written at a time when I knew there were still years of singleness left and I ought to find valid lessons from that season. On many levels I wish time could have frozen while I have been in Iraq, Germany and everywhere else. I estimate I’ve missed somewhere in the neighborhood of 30+ weddings of friends since I left. I suppose that is one of the sacrifices I should’ve paid greater attention.

What are the proper answers to my frustrations? Pray for patience. Pray for Strength. Rely on Christ’s strength to get me through; all the while not being too anxious to dive headlong into a relationship which I would not have done while I served. But that is just it; I don’t want to pray for more patience. Not because I don’t want to be patient anymore, but because such a prayer might be granted. One of my favorite sayings and a true lesson for me is “Pray for patience and God will send you a jerk.” It is through the jerk, the opportunity to learn patience on a deeper level is more apparent. The answers to those prayers are exactly the answers I don’t want. I know I ought to persevere, for the sake of my marriage I hope I do. The anticipation is frustratingly close. Am I not satisfied from Christ? I think I am. It is also difficult because as I look to Genesis, if God was all man needed why was Eve created? Creation was good, Man was good; but Man and Woman in Creation were ma'od. I long to know that goodness.

I don’t know if I want any words of encouragement from this, I just wanted to let you inside my head.

Epilogue: Reading this 8 years later I have had a sensible chuckle. Oh grasshopper little did you know the places God would take you. I’m still single, Jesus is still enough. Some days I recognize that better than others.

Christmas in Iraq

            It is Christmas Day, not the first I have experienced without friends and family to share it with and not my last. However, hopefully that will only be once more. I certainly have a greater respect and appreciation for those who have done this before. Even more for those that don't work in the offices I am surrounded by. I find myself not dealing with this Christmas away quiet as well as I have in the previous years. Indeed, I was very wrong about those years being in Germany, when I said being away is away regardless of the exact conditions. Coming from a desk jockey I didn't think it would be that much different than it would be when I finally got my chance to be deployed.

            So I finally got my chance, here I am. Already I know it is grossly different from any garrison or field exercise I have ever done. Perhaps the most noticeable surprise which I was not aware of until I got here is the sense of prolonged conditions. Most times I have spent in the field hasn't been more than a month or so, in the back of our heads regardless of how busy we were we could mentally countdown roughly or at least reassure ourselves that we wouldn't be here long. I have made every mental attempt to drown out the thoughts of counting down. I don't think I have been so unsuccessful at flushing this thought out of my head. I knew how long I would be here but it didn't really click till I saw what the next 15 months would entail.

            In the past, whenever a major holiday has approached it was not too difficult to ignore it. The work schedule slowed down, we had tons of down time and I'd drown myself into a video game, book, or the gym. One of those is always my constant source of occupation. The ability to drown out the approaching festivities was more a survival technique that I have grown accustomed to. I wasn't doing great, but I was getting by. As I attempted to apply such a mindset this last week it didn't hold very well. Be it the decorations that coated office doors, the Christmas songs played in the DFAC (Cafeteria), or the Santa hats people wore around work the reminders were too apparent to ignore this time.

            The abnormal thing about the season of joy, celebration and family that the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas has come to be in our society, I find myself being the Grinch. I was discussing with someone today why say "Merry Christmas" today? It is not merry. There is nothing about our activities today that could be provided as to make this day "merry". It would be more appropriate to greet people just claiming it is Christmas. Somewhere in the middle this idea is a desire to be true to ourselves instead of masquerading like everything is joyful like it ought to be or just saying something out of reflex without meaning. This is the same way that we greet one another with “What is up?” both mutually not expecting an answer or an interest in an answer.

            While I sincerely want to believe that I believe the meaning and celebration of Christmas is to celebrate Christ's birth. I know that it can actually be charted that Christ was actually born closer to Easter, the Catholic Church chose this date to have something to celebrate to compete against the pagan celebrations of Harvest, and the commercialization of Christmas is sickening enough to wonder if this is what Jeremiah mentioned. I find it difficult to get the full joy of Christmas without those I love. Certainly working this day like any other work day except for the occasional Christmas hat added to the disheartening feeling I have had today. The sanctity of such a precious day is being ignored and disregarded that it is difficult to meditate on the significance of our Lord coming into this world.

            It really hit me tonight at dinner. We have been very well fed the past several weeks with care packages from family members and random people wishing us holiday cheer, the care packages have been more encouraging I expected them to be. The daily feasts we've had available at the DFAC have not been hindered by our snacking throughout the day. It is still the holiday season so I give myself more than enough slack to indulge in the labors of our supporters. I had my dinner before me, it was barely what I would call a meal it was so small in portion and I couldn't take more than a couple bites from it tonight. As I write this I am kind of wishing I had because the vacant space in my belly is speaking to me. I was almost brought to tears just listening to the music being played tonight. It was a collection of choir preformed Christmas songs; they were actually focused on Christ than a jolly fat man on the side of a Coke can. Be it the recognition or even the melody of such familiar tunes that were sung at my home church the night before, it was almost unbearable. I haven't had a sense of crying like that since my first Sunday at Basic Training. That time I bawled almost the entire time, but here before I would allow a tear to form I left.

            While this doesn't seem like a good start mentally for what will be a long time here I want to be optimistic about the time spent here. As I returned to my quarters the last thing I said to someone asking how my day has been all I could do was shrug and say, "One down one to go". I know I will be spending next Christmas here, I hope I have a better attitude about it. I am thankful that today I got my box of books that were in storage for some time and I finally was able to recover them. Perhaps the company they offer will help. I don't want this to be something that the goal is to endure it. I want to see the potential to all I have to learn from the time spent here. After all, this will be the longest time I have ever spent in a single place that the Army has sent me. I should follow suit of my previous places and make the best of it.

Have a blessed Christmas, I know by the time you read this it will have passed but that is okay.

Joys of Being Single pt I

One of the first things I noticed that I neglected to mention in Dating or Lack Thereof was the importance of self identity. I think this period in our lives begins in Jr High for most and is well on its way through high school and is finalized in the college age years. Of course this does vary with maturity and the individual's experiences. This factor I think is the primary reason why the teenage years are deemed to be so chaotic by parents, sociologists and the like. I know we can all think of some people who are past college age and still have no idea of who they really are. If the stage of self development is overlooked or not completed I think one of two routes will happen. Either the person will continue to act as they were wherever they “developmentally left off”, never fully developing into a mature adult in that respect, or they will be influenced by others into someone they might not have become had they defined themselves earlier. Actually let’s add one more possibility in the mix, upon a major life changing event, such as becoming a parent; some people start to figure things out at that point.

Many people start getting into relationships too soon in their personal development and are often directed in ways they did not intend or plan. I spent my teen years watching people live and get-together, I used those experiences of friends and classmates to build a “study” of high school relationships. I recall asking many friends “what their goals were in the ____ relationship?”. The majority of people had no idea what I was talking about, which I found rather interesting.

In my over-analyzed life, I attempt to always have a reason why I do something. It is not necessarily always the best, most productive reason, but I will have a reason nonetheless, to quote Agent Smith ”there must be a reason, a purpose.” For those who do have an answer as to why they were in such relationship it would usually be one or more of the following: “to have fun”, “to discover myself”, “to find out what kind of person I want”, or “to get X (X being some physical gratification)”. I don't think I need to dive into why it is a bad idea to have a relationship simply for fun; emotions are great when it is great but are really bad when it is bad. It is not wise to play with emotions. When physical gratification is the primary goal one or both parties are in it for their selfish desires. Their attitudes will reflect their desires and eventually lead to using and/or demeaning each other.

I find the most mentally perplexing reason for the relationship is “to discover myself”. I don't think self discovery is a group activity. Whenever I hear a person talking about “finding themselves” I wonder “when did you lose yourself?” I think what they mean is they are trying to define themselves. When someone in a vulnerable position, such as a dating relationship, is undefined; an inherent burden is put the other person to assist in their definition. This is a highly disadvantageous situation if the burdened person is not acting for the benefit of the other. If both individuals are trying to “find themselves” you have two lost people looking for someone they don't know.

I find the motivation “to figure out what kind of person I want” as a valid reason to date nonsensical. It is an attempt to give them license to not discern who they give their emotions to. I know exactly what kind of woman I am looking for, how do I know? I know who I am. I know what I want to be. I would only make sense to select the kind of person who will encourage my lifestyle and direction. I am looking for someone whose life will be complimentary to mine. Opposites might attract but attraction does not build families.

The foremost advantage from my years of singleness, I have been able to develop and define myself for who I want to be. I know in thought and my dreams, I imagine the first person I date I'll marry. I am not entirely opposed to that happening but I should not expect it to happen. To do so would be the definition of un-necessary stress on a relationship. I also take into account the advice from those who have experience with the other half, many of whom proclaim “I have much to learn about relationships”. I must agree with them.

I recently finished a relationship book. I find it funny that I am reading books about Christian courtship and relationships especially when I know I won't be acting on the things I learn from it for at least another 2 years. It is a topic that has been circulating my head more in the recent months, and it is a nice break from a deeply philosophic or scientific reads which are more typical. As the title suggests it follows the relationship of Isaac and Rebecca in Genesis. Although they went through the courting style of getting together the book was formatted to suit dating more than actual courtship in my opinion. I have a better idea as far as mental knowledge goes as to what sacrifice and love is. Actually my idea of love much more clear than it has previously been. Love is so much more about a commitment and conscious decision than a feeling many people have made it out to be. I was also chuckling upon the conclusion of the latest book, I can spend months on a deep read but the average time for a book on relationships is less than 24 hours.

My Place In This Place

So last night as I was listening to Lifesong to go to sleep to I was pondering/reflecting what I have done I have been in the Army. I was thinking in more consideration of how I have been living than what the work has had to offer. One of the thoughts which came to me I found rather soothing and satisfying.

I remember in the weeks leading up to me signing the papers I was talking to several important people in my life concerning my worries and reservations about the decision that was to follow. I think I got a deeper understanding of how God's will works and presents itself. One of those dreading questions over my head “was it more my will to join than any pulling of the Holy Spirit for me to join?” From that point I was satisfied God will use me anywhere I let him use me. Last night I think I had an epiphany of purpose.

While in my previous duty station, I was rather disenchanted things didn't work out to help out with the youth ministry there. I don't think I set for myself how I was to evangelize to my peers. The first several months I was getting used to the atmosphere of alcoholism, partying, and the sort. I think I was primarily concerned with keeping my own faith strong. This was when I started ordering the books and studying more than I had ever done so in my civilian life. I think around Christmas time one of the guys in the barracks asked me to do a bible study with him. I was quiet excited.

After several months of spotty meetings we generally stopped meeting, he was always tired or sleeping and as life went on and people talked I could clearly see no change in his lifestyle. I don't think I was expecting much but when I see the growth and understanding in the Word and then to see him at the barbeque the following weekends, he spoke through his actions how much he really wanted to change. I didn't want to become his little confessional booth he could do as he pleased and then have a little Bible study and be good until the next time we met. The entire experience was a learning one to say in the least.

When our studies ended I didn't really make a pursuit to get something else started as the rest of the unit was preparing to move to Kansas. This was also after a failed attempt to have a lunch time Bible study typically consisting of myself and the two chaplains. In my mind I think since I wasn't actively pursuing a time involving activity I wasn't really doing anything productive for God. As a whole I was unaware of my spiritual usefulness.

This brings me to last night. While pondering my accomplishments of non-work nature it popped into my head how many people I have been talking to all along who either seek me as a guy for advice, being the voice of reason, or spiritual council. It just hit me, I can think of at least 5 or 6 deep discussions with people in the field alone, not to mention who I have talked to online. Although I was not aware of how loud my lifestyle spoke as I reflected it has been more than worth it. So many of the "lifestyle" sacrifices I have made to actively live differently have served their purpose here. I thought these experiences would only be of use when I am youth pastor or something as an example how to stand up against peer pressure and the party lifestyle.

I find blogs of this nature to be awkward at times, I don't write this to get on a pedestal and proclaim a victory as super Christian. I am often reminded of a song my Dad jokingly liked to sing to himself, "It's hard to be humble". We are called to be humble in what we do. Not always an easy thing but something I noticed from one of the spur of the moment conversations about my life, I don't approach life wanting to prove something. The audience found what I was telling them unbelievable, but believed it because of my demeanor. From that conversation with several guys I had an even more in depth time to share my life and beliefs with one of the guys as we washed dishes for several hours.

Aside from the people who were curious why I live so differently, I have been useful to many people who have fallen away from their faith since being in the Army. I am also pondering writing a blog about how much of a ministry opportunity I have found the Army to be, but I was going to be sure to include the dangers as well. I know far more people that came into the Army with a meaningful faith than are in the Army and live a faithful life. When I pondered it more I don't think I realize that I am an encouragement to those around me. Or at least I never really thought of it that way. I have been much concerned with keeping up with my known spiritual gifts and trying to develop my leadership skills that I think I overlooked something that God has been polishing for some time now.

Do I have this awkward feeling of awareness about what I am doing constantly, no not really. I think I am looking through my glasses with a better prescription on life now.