You're Men Ain't Ya?

I hope the title kind of gave it away, but this one is directed towards the fellas.  Not to say my female friends ought not to read this, perhaps it might strike some interesting feedback with the other fellas you know.  I am reading Way of the Wild Heart currently; the title is one of the catchy phrases that John Eldredge was expounding upon.  This is an excerpt from the movie Open Range found in Way of the Wild Heart.

"In the saloon, they try to rouse the men of the town to action.  One of the local tradesmen says, "It's a shame what this town's come to," to which one of the cowboys replies, "You could do something about it." "What?" The frightened man replies.  "We're freighters.  Ralph here's a shopkeeper."  Then my favorite line: "You're men, ain't ya?"

            The author carries on suggesting that if you are a man you are a fighter.  He also points to biblical examples of population counts which counted the men and also counted every one of them as a fighting man (Numbers 1).  So I have been pondering these statements over the last few days and was curious about what my battles are?  What do I fight for?  I don't know how confrontational I really was prior to reading this book but I feel a fire being fed inside that I ought to be clearly fighting for something.

            It is suggested this desire is part of being a man and I think he's right.  I know this doesn't mean I need to re-class into an infantrymen to get up close and personal when I do happen to go to war.  I make clear that I choose not to fight over stupid things, and when I sense what I hold dear to be in danger, threat or ridicule, I have no problem with charging in.  I tend to keep most battles things that are fought in speech and intellect; I don't have the highest confidence in my physical contact abilities so I do avoid those confrontations very well.  To be honest, I don't think I have ever been in a fist fight in which I was actually fighting for something in such a way.

            I was pondering writing about the evils of the entertainment industry hold on men's hearts and minds.  I have had to reanalyze those thoughts altogether.  I am frustrated that so many millions of American men get caught up into sports, to watch and watch for no seen gain or purpose beyond the entertainment of watching a game.  I think some get a personal value out of knowing who is the best running back or how many touchdowns this player made or how many yards that player ran.  Similar to how some women find value in themselves by knowing powerful or popular people, are some men so satisfied or gather their self worth by watching and knowing sports data?

            I love to play sports; anyone ought to be able to attest I have no issues getting a little contact in sports.  I can't stand to watch a game though.  Sure I suppose there is much to learn from watching the professionals play.  How far is too far?  Sports, in itself are a great thing, to go out on a field and play is one of the ways I feel more like a man.  It is the same feeling as when we've scaled the waterfall on the Guy's camp outs, or kayaking out to the middle of Hume Lake.  The feeling you get after a long run or march is completed.  The sense of accomplishment, the body is exhausted but the heart is charged and I feel alive.  I did play a good game of football this afternoon so I got a little bit of that sensation still running through me.

            The connection between the battles that men ought to fight because we are men and our apparent fixation with sports is this.  We get caught up into watching and get comfortable with it.  I think this is true of our attitudes of sports and it carries over into the realm of the battles we should be fighting as men.  Our sense of leadership and rawness that is who and what we were created to be is stunted by getting close to the battle or the game.

            I am reminded by Darrin McWatters' frustrating "guy's talk" at Hume a few years ago in which he observed the purpose of the modern male is to be nothing more than comic entertainment.  That was the conclusion he came to according to his observations of the role we have in society.  The most frustrating part of that to Darrin, was that the vast majority of men are satisfied in that role, or worse believe themselves to be in that role as an actual purpose.  I like to think and wholeheartedly believe that we are here for more than laughs.

            I recall writing a bit about this in Role of Men, this blog I have a sense of fire inside me.  We need to be more active and assault the forces that assault us.  Not looking for a fight like an angry drunk but be precise about our battles.  As men we our appointed to be the leaders, we need to step forward with the "here am I, send me attitude" and stop fading in the back hoping we won't be asked to help.

The Single Guy

This one is definitely thinking aloud. I wouldn't quiet say this is a rant but ponderous thoughts instead. Contributing factors which have lead me to the thoughts of this developing blog are: the Tuesday night Bible study in which we are now studying Song of Solomon, Dating, or lack thereof, a recent conversation/story I was listening to yesterday, and my overall thought process on the issue over the past year.

I would say at this point I am a professional single guy. I am very used to all the luxuries it includes: my free time is all to myself, I have no obligations in my personal or emotional life to another person, and I can focus on whatever my happy heart desires. At this point though I think I understand Genesis 2:18, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." a bit better than I have in the previous years of my life. Wait a minute? Did I just portray the life of a bachelor in a negative light? Taking the context into account I think this encompasses both our spiritual, emotional and personal life. What do I mean by that? I have known very clearly since I joined the Army that our spiritual lives are meant to be lived in community with each other, something my heart continues to long for.

I have had and still have a small community but once again I am perhaps the lone single soldier who attends the chapel services at my own free will. Living in the barracks has its own perils to one's faith if I want to belong. Based on my blog habits, which I believe are so frequent because I lack people around me who I can vent and talk with. So I use this outlet, my personal life wants to be able to share the deeper moments of my heart with someone. I believe it to be incredibly difficult to live out a powerful life for God without people to surround and recharge you when you need it. Community is so vastly important in our faith I cannot stress its importance any less.

As much fun as I have had with the joking feel of singing like Donkey on Shrek, "I'm so alone" which I do tend to sing at moments of opportunity, I often do feel so alone. Standing back and analyzing my singleness I am at the place in my life that I definitely am tired of being single. There are some pitfalls with this facet of my life being unsatisfied though. Before I start to divulge them all, I think there is a precursor to them lying within me. With the utmost uncertainty I think if I was back in the states I would probably be in a similar social situation, being single. Something Jonathan mentioned to me was I still have a lot to learn when it comes to dating and relationships, I don't doubt it.

I think this realization really hit me while I was sitting in on a conversation of reference. The speaker was talking about how he basically got a girlfriend that he has only talked to by phone and internet. The thing I found most profound was when he was complimenting her about how great of a girl she was and that if he was her boyfriend he would find himself to be very lucky. The first instant thought in my mind was "whoa, now that's some brownie points", but upon further ponderance I don't know if I could be that forward to someone to initiate the more than friends relationship. My goal for so long has been to be "the Friend", and I have always been so comfortable at that point in my friendships I rarely have ever wanted to carry it any further. Now, I sit in reflection and questioning myself, could I move past the friend zone?

Often in my thoughts and imagination of my future relationship with my wife or fiancé (whenever it may happen) I usually glaze over how I went from being the friend to actually having the significant other. The bigger implication I pose to myself, “what kind of spiritual leader would this make me when I haven't the daringness to attempt to initiate more than friendship?” Being friends is a wonderful thing. You can count on friends, hang out with them, and talk about anything you are willing to talk about. The only limits to how far a friendship goes are to how far the two want to take it. Well, the physical part kind of goes without saying. Beyond the line of physical behavior, what are the emotional and spiritual lines?

Something I found interesting which I profoundly disagreed with was advice in The 10 Commandments of Dating; it suggested not to pray together because it can rush a relationship into a more intimate position and speed than what the authors believe is safe. In the context of praying together while alone, yes, there is room for temptation amplified through the spiritual intimacy experienced. Therefore, praying together ought to be done in public. Praying for one another and together is one of the best friend building excercises that can be done. It is not just anyone who would pray for you or with you with a true heart.

When I recall my friendships, sometimes I think the only line that needed to be crossed from friend to a possible romantic relationship would have been to talk about it and see where we were and how we felt about each other as that kind of relationship. But… I have never taken that step. As I mentioned in my dating blog, I find people are entirely too fast and forward in the physicality of relationships. For this reason and because I know myself and my own weaknesses I hope my first kiss will be either after I propose or after I say "I do". Oh yea, I suppose I haven't mentioned that to very many people. Yea… I've never been kissed or anything close. How this applies into my future or possible dating life, it throws an interesting curve, because the factor so often used to determine a couple is “a thing” is such forms of affection. By my own desires I have put it off till much further in the relationship.

What inspired this form of dating ideology was a talk I heard at Hume in 03' by Steve Solomon. I can email it to anyone if you are interested to hear it. I think it puts the bar for men to be spiritual leaders and men of integrity much higher than society can even contemplate. While putting the bar up and burden on me to express my feelings in a way which excludes physical intimacy, it also adds a knot into how do I initiate the relationship to the more than friends level. These details I have no idea how to go about. I suppose there would be dates, and activities. I think I’ll figure it out as I go. Well, not really, for the really good ones I can learn all I need to know by watching some chick flicks. Truth be told, the reason guys can't stand chick flicks is because it makes regular guys look so pathetic. I don't know many guys who can build a telescope or buy a star... Perhaps that is why I like Hitch so much, because it is for the normal guys.

Back to my over-analysis of my dissatisfaction and predicaments of the thing called dating. The most difficult part of the relationship is the maintaining and growing part. After all how much more to it is there? There is spending time together, sharing, doing things, and enjoying being around each other. I think at a certain point one of two things happen, you either get married or break up. This model is with the successful relationship, I kind of glossed over the fights, arguments, and disagreements. Those will happen but it is what they are about and how they are dealt with which contributes to the overall success of the relationship. Actually, for many relationships to get through the fights is one of the most defining aspects to show how important it really is. Talking to friends that for some reason ask me for relationship advice on occasion, I think one of the simplest ways to have a working and good relationship is to treat the person as friends treat each other. So often the issues brought up seem to get convoluted in my friends' minds because their emotions are out of control. My objective outlook allows me to be able to look at their situations and talk it out without being emotionally involved. Essentially working out friend’s relationship problems has taught me the most about relationships directly. I am curious how it will hit me when I am no longer emotionally absent from the issue.

Now that I have expelled the internal issues to me not dating or getting into a relationship there are additional factors as to why I believe I remain in this state of singleness until I get out of the Army. I when I enlisted I knew I would likely not get into a relationship; at that point it didn't seem like such a big deal. At this point, it is bittersweet. To halt my loneliness I have thought of trying to find someone in the local area, but it is quickly snuffed by the realization that I will not remain in this country for more than a year. Where I go in a year it is one of three places, based on my occupation I think you all can guess aside from the States where the other two locations may be.

The environments I have found myself in definitely has a shortage of Christians. By Christians I mean to express those that take their faith seriously enough to practice it despite their surroundings. I have yet to find a single Christian female since I have left the states, which definitely puts a hindrance to starting a relationship. I do not think it is a good idea to attempt more than friendship with someone in the states. Long distance friendships can work, but not that kind I think. It hit me after I read 10 Commandments of Dating, that I am not really looking for someone to date, but a serious relationship dare I say wife. I think that explains much about how I have approached social interaction and relationships thus far. I don't think I was ever looking for a girlfriend; I have always been looking for a wife. I think great friendships can be made anywhere, more than that though requires meeting in person. So I find myself in my current state of singleness by lack of options. I am not really stressing too much expecting to not find someone for this period of time, and so I am the single guy.

Looking Back on 2005, Why I Joined the Army

 It has been some time since I have blogged lately, I think the re-enabling of my wireless and thus the ability to play WoW has had something to do with that. Anyways, a few days ago was the one year mark for me being in the Army. I figured it would be appropriate to chart my journey in this last year and how I got to where I am. I don't think I have actually written out why I did what I did so I'll also see what my thoughts of the Army were and what I think now having been there for my first year. There is a part of me that is thinking "woot, 1 down 3 to go".

I signed the papers in Sept of 04, as many of you remember I made the best of the time as a civilian I had left and spent much money in doing so, it was fun. I think everyone should try it once. My reasons for joining were never one single reason but there were more important reasons. I will attempt to explain in order of precedence. It might sound odd, but the one question I asked myself why I did this again was to get away from all that I knew to be familiar. I love you all dearly and have learned a great deal about how much that is since I have left, but at the same time I know the lessons I have been learning will develop me to be more successful in my ministry and life. I think at some point in time everyone should leave their comfort zone, for many I think it is manifested by going away to college, to others a full time job, and then there is the 2% of the population that joins the military.

I was not in any way unhappy with the life I had. More, I sought direction, and spiritually I wanted a challenge over time that I had not yet encountered. I think certain events through high school tested me on the moments but I had never been in the environment I wanted to reach out to. The spiritual growth I knew I would encounter would be unique and unlike something I had ever faced. There were two things that held me back for some time to make that decision, one was "Was it God's will?" and the other was leaving everyone that I love so much. Yea, I am getting all gushy writing this one too. Unlike Jonathan I didn't have to write an essay why I believe God directed me to the Army, I am very thankful of because I don't think I could've written one. I came to the conclusion after much discussing with my mentors (if they were, they still are) and seeking scripture. The whole idea about God leading us certain directions was very uncertain to me. The answer I concluded about if it was God's will that I join was determined that God does not generally direct us in such long term decisions. The questions about what college to go to, what should someone study, and all those life direction questions I think should truly be answered by ourselves. God has put the desires inside us what we want to do and what we know we should do. My recent findings in scripture when the Holy Spirit leads a person every time was in context to an immediate reaction, not life changing decisions that would encompass long portions of time. I think for the long term decisions we should go where, study what, and keep God included with all of those. I don't think where one goes to college is as important as how we take part in campus ministry. I think anywhere we work doing almost any job we can share Christ with those we work with through our actions and our work ethic. The jobs that I would be hard pressed to find righteous justification for doing so are such things as prostitution, stripping, dealing drugs ect. I wouldn't be so bold to say God can't use people in those positions; there just might be a conflict of interests in those. The biggest reasons were rolled into two reasons; the spiritual growth I knew I would experience and I just wanted to join. I suppose there was a part of me that figured if I could survive spiritually for 4 years then I could accomplish anything…

I think the getting away could’ve used a bit more explaining and counts as a whole other reason independent from the other reasons. I found it interesting talking to Kevin about this subject as well. He was telling me during the time I talked to him about my strong desire to join, he looked back at the people he went to high school with and noticed how so many have scattered all over the world. At a certain point in a man's life there gets this feeling in him to leave what he knows and discover. This is something mentioned in Wild At Heart. I thought about that for a little while, and noticed that I was the same age approximately as Jonathan at the time of my enlistment, so maybe there is a part of the whole Wild At Heart being manifested in the "gotta spread my wings" as I phrased it to many people. I don't think my parents hindered me, well, my mom is definitely over-protective but that is something to be expected. That is perhaps my best explanation for the "where does that desire come from?" question cause other than that, there was just something that hit me deep inside, not in the way I have felt the spirit move, but in a way that just told me to leave what was familiar.

In addition to the inward desire, I think it is commanded in scripture. Yes, we are to surround ourselves with other Christians to hold us accountable and spread Christ through community, at the same time we can't spend too much time in the same place without experiencing different things. I think within the means I had, my spiritual growth was ready for a kick in the stomach. So yea, there was a certain thing inside that said "do something different and radical" I think this was big enough. Having had independence, kind of, because I am under the Army's leash for the next 3 more years at least I think it is nice but somewhat over-rated. I laugh when I read forums and hear people complaining about freedoms when they have no idea what it is like to lose many of your freedoms. I think the military life has best been explained by my Uncle Alan. It is an institution in which people voluntarily live under a totalitarian rule so that others do not have to. Have my wings been spread? Yes. Do I feel freer that I was when I was a civilian? No. The most freedom I have felt or continually feel is the freedom from sin that Christ has granted me. If I see nothing else from those around me I have seen so many people with chains on their souls and they don't realize it and if you try to tell them they are chained down they'll either deny it or take it as a joke.

I have held the personal belief since I was in high school that I think every male should spend at least 2 years in the military or some form of service in their transition from teenager before they hit career age. I think my opinion is more validated that I was willing to spend this period of my life to serve this country. In doing so, much of the heritage I was raised with has grown in significance. I don't know many civilians that can draw tears with the sound of the Star Spangled Banner or to see Old Glory waving in the wind. The meaning to all that the United States is has changed greatly, in the way of appreciation. I will be hard-pressed to vote for someone that has not served in the military and claim to have national pride in such a way to represent me.

I suppose this also ties in with being a man of action. I do not ever want to be looked upon as a talker, or a watcher. When I say something I want to go through with it that my words may be validated by my deeds. There are times in the days most often when I am assigned to "area beautification" or what I call a "gopher (Go-For)" detail. I kind of chuckle when I see the AFN (Armed Forces Network, the closest thing to American TV we get) commercials thanking us for our service and whatnot. I mean there are plenty of those days when I think, what am I doing that is so special? I think some of that is within my desire to get deployed. I still long for my chance to do my part, not so much to fight the War on Terror, but to be there side by side with the other brothers in arms to earn what I have been thanked for so many times. Until I get deployed and do my time wherever the Army deems necessary I feel like it has been unearned thanks. Attached to this sentiment explains why I had to go Army or Marines. When I look to Jonathan and see his airborne wings, he is in combat arms, and downrange as I write this, I felt a duty to endure some of the same hardships he has endured. Yea, it is also kind of a macho feeling of hardcoreness. From easiest to most difficult, the progression goes Air Force, Navy, Army, and Marines. Frankly I didn't want to be with Marines, they get my hats off, but I am not that hardcore. Besides the Army let me pick my exact job, not job field like all the other services.

I was tired of school, or college. As simple as that may be it is the truth. I was bored, unguided, and tired of college. I didn't know where I was going, what I was studying, or why I was studying it. The worst of all, learning was no longer fun. To think of it, I had been going to school for 16.5 years so a break was needed, a nice long break. My options for what I could do as a break were fairly well narrowed down. The last year of college was perhaps my worst as far as school. Being the one of the high school interns I absolutely loved it, it was why I woke up every morning. I knew after that year that I wanted to continue in ministry wherever I go on my personal time and if I am lucky as a vocation. At that point in my life my options looked like: join the military, get a full time job, and keep going to school. I was clearly not satisfied with going to school, I had no direction to what I really wanted to study or why I was studying (or not studying). I think wherever we are; whatever we are doing, we should be enjoying it both in the ends and means. The full time job possibilities with my education level at that point in my life were bleak to say the least. I do not think if I got a full time job it would be in such a place to get me further in life than my previous activities; in fact I thought it would actually be closer to a dead end. There are not that many job opportunities that I think can really take you somewhere without a bachelor's or higher. The finale option was the military, financially it seemed like the best option I had, which brings me to the last reason I joined.

I thought this was a very economically healthy decision. I know I am pretty good with money, more so in not spending it, but I am wise with its management. I have yet to find a better opportunity for the disgruntled college student, recent high school graduate, ect. All I need to do is give years, and they give me clothes on my back, roof over my head, food in my stomach AND a pay check. Doing the math, in order to get the money left over from a job that I'd get from the Army I would've had to earn 2500-3000 month, that was a near impossible for someone in my position to find such a starting salary. I am not saying that is how much I do get paid, but that was the approximate amount I would need to be in the same position I am now in today. I still think that I am making out like a bandit in this deal. In the last year I have wasted so much money on stuff, and still saved so much money, while investing in a retirement fund. For example, this last year I have bought this laptop, over 150 movies, saved over 7k and gotten all kinds of other goodies. I don't think I will be able to live in this kind of luxury when I return to civilian life, so I am enjoying it while it lasts. When I get out I will have a great marketability with my job and life experience than someone with the same education level as myself. I think spending these years is greatly beneficial to me in the long term.

So what have I learned in this time period? Aside from all the fun soldierly stuff like throwing grenades, shooting an M-16 and all that fun stuff, I think much of it is written in my previous blogs. What do I think of the Army having experienced some of it in this year? I think it is an excellent place for a person to figure out what they really want to do, it provides opportunities that I think most people with my upbringing and financial condition could not provide for myself. Knowing what I know now about the Army would I have still joined? Yes. I don't regret my decision. What are the hardest things about the Army life? By far the spiritual warfare is the most difficult thing for me. The tangible difficulties are laughable; there are endless stupid things to deal with, so one can learn a bit more about patience. It is not a difficult life to live; then again I have always been a little different from those around me. I can deal with authority without a problem, more importantly in this position. Many people around me tend to not like the Army, but I think they are of the mindset unless they never have to work again or take orders they will be unhappy. Jim Ward said it best, "The Army is what you make it". I have chosen to better myself and learn as much as I can and I have enjoyed most of it.

Throughout the last year I have figured out what I want to do when I get out, it actually took only a couple weeks to figure it all out, after the army told me how I am spending the next 4 years. I know I want to go to seminary, whether it will be full time or part time is too far away to know. I am currently pondering between going to seminary full time and working at Hume my first summer out or getting a federal job with Homeland Security or something along those lines (That is the marketability I am talking about). The best situation I can hope for at this time is being able to work at Hume and while doing the federal job part time and doing seminary full time. I'll decide when the doors are closer and I can see what paths are available to be taken.

The most important lessons I have learned? For one, the studying and spiritual growth has been amazing. I have not always used my time as wisely as I should have, but I have used a good portion very well. How much I actually love everyone back at home, friends, family, so many of you on myspace (Facebook), I think I have learned the value of relationships a bit better. What I have learned I truly believe could've only been possible from the path I took. So here is to another year.

Epilogue: I did work at Hume Lake my first summer out. I did not go to seminary nor have any plans in the near future to go to seminary. I think at the time I was imagining a Bible College, from which I did graduate from.