To Drink or Not To Drink?

As I was reading a very interesting book that will have its own blogs of thoughts and reflections it just struck me that I should write this. Whatever it turns into here's your warning this is completely spontaneous. I am on the eve of finishing my clearing process and thus leaving a place that has been my domicile (I still refuse to call it home) for the last 13 months in a country I have called my residence for 2 years. I suppose this warrants some amount of reflection. It might even help the fact me accept the fact that I actually am leaving.

The first thought that comes to mind started around June or July of 2005. When I first saw there was the strong chance I was going to be stationed in Germany I immediately thought about what I could do to make a meaningful, apparent and bold statement of faith through my lifestyle while residing in a foreign country. At that time I was still trying to learn how to move past the spiritual separation I experienced upon leaving home while finding a livable medium in which I was not a “holy rolling judgmental Christian” but was not one of the crowd either. The idea and reality that it was normal for young adults to go out on a weekend basis if not more often and completely give themselves up to such worldly living was still a bit of a lifestyle shock to me. I never attended a gathering prior to the military where my peers were drinking and… yea. All of it.

As I reflect upon those months in Arizona and saw what people did with the freedom they had, even as limited as it was; I know my response had be something drastic. Germany is famous for their beer. I was still unsure how to respond to the offers of alcohol. While at Arizona, I was under 21 and had the weak reason by social standards but an easy one as to why I did not drink. I wanted to follow the law. I knew going to Germany where the legal age if you want to call it that was 18, and I was 21 upon arrival, the excuse that got me through several months would not hold up in the regular Army. Talking to reclassing soldiers (those getting a new job & training) the stories of Germany were not very encouraging to me and my desire to remain faithful throughout the duration of my service.

It was during those months that I had made a commitment to God that I will not willingly or knowingly consume an alcoholic beverage while on my overseas tour. I wouldn't call it a covenant because it was something I wanted to lay before God as a sacrifice; I was not expecting anything in return. I can think of two close calls which I might have compromised myself and my commitment, one was eating cake that had rum in it that I found out upon chewing it that there was a small presence of rum not cooked out of the cake. The other was when I popped my first whole German chocolate candy in my mouth; it was filled with something that I didn't like that was alcoholic. Following that experience I learned how to read the ingredients on the back of chocolates. It is rather difficult to find non-alcoholic assorted chocolates. I must say with brutal honesty that this was not easy to complete. This was reflected upon in What did I get myself into?

The first year was by far the most difficult. It probably didn't help that I spent the majority of my free time playing WoW in the barracks hallway on the weekends which I would see the habits of the second floor population. Actually, I kind of prided myself at times that at certain points I simply by smelling the drink I could tell people what they had put in it. My unit put serious effort trying to get me to drink. On one humorous point, the easiest way to get lots of free alcohol is to tell people you don't drink. There were also days that had taken their toll on my spirit. Between work or personal stress, I am certain if it was not for my commitment to abstain I would have drank myself to the clear point of sin. In that respect I think I can somewhat empathize with people that do drink to escape the problems of the day. I think there has been a several occasions that it was through people's curiosity about my decision that I was able to share Christ with them. It was astonishing to me how many found such a simple action as to abstain was seen a drastic move. Throughout this challenge, I must also keep my pride in check. It was not by my power that this commitment was fulfilled.

Like many of my decisions of abstinence, after several months of practicing a grander idea came to mind about what could be gained from such experience. Hopefully, I can speak as one who has experience about alcohol and peer pressure. Living in a country which beer is more normal than water, at an appropriate age, and appropriate places, I have had every justification to partake. Except that I wanted to lay before God a part of my life that I had not used until I committed it to them (remember the Trinity). There is a part of me that hopes these years of experience will encourage a high school student or college student how to address the prevalence of alcohol in today's culture and how it meshes or conflicts with our relationship with Christ. I don't pretend to have a mask that it doesn't bother me that many of my peers drink alcohol, I know there are plenty of scriptural examples that show it is not the act of drinking that is sin in anyway. After all, Jesus' first public miracle was making good wine. I know this is a question that every person must answer for him or herself. For me, for this period of time, it was a choice not to drink.

This is where it starts to get curious. On one hand I am experiencing a sense of accomplishment and joy because through God's strength I remained true to my commitment. I am preparing to return to the states, now a full fledged legal adult at 23, I am in a similar situation to ponder, upon the completion of this commitment do I want to try an alcoholic beverage? In complete honesty this question has come to mind several times and I have not made any solidly committed decision, which I think I will before I get on the airplane this week. While I am very curious what some drinks taste like, I don't think that curiosity is enough to possibly tempt myself or become vulnerable alcohol or the possible abuse of it an extremely active issue in the military. I don't know why I am delaying a committed decision so much; it is not like I spent months in agony or meditation for the first commitment. For the sake of continuing to submit myself to God's will, to make myself open and always alert to what I might be shown, I here and now extend my commitment to the duration of my enlistment.

Epilogue: I had my first drink with a friend from Germany back at home. God brought us together that our friendship could continue. I was the designated driver for him from time to time in Germany and in one of our conversations I agreed to have a drink with him if it was reasonable. Even in my civilian years there have been numerous occasions which I have abstained from alcohol. Whenever I work at Hume, no drinking is included in the contract. When I was in student leadership at William Jessup, no drinking. When I deployed to Afghanistan as a civilian, no drinking. When I was an undergraduate at Biola, no drinking. Through these experiences, especially not being able to drink as a 28 year old undergraduate I was able to recognize the heart of submission to authorities I have voluntarily accepted. Integrity ought to be worth more than a light buzz.

A Greater Appreciation

I get the chance to return back to the proverbial "home" for the weekend so here it to making the most of it. I think I learned something about myself, well not so much completely new information but it is much more real to me. In addition I think I saw something about God that I appreciate much more. The kind of mind aweing feeling that Isaiah might have experienced being in the presence of the Holy God.

I think I do well with letting those around me live their lives. I have mentioned a few times before that the balance of appreciating the Free Will others use and God's standard of right and wrong is a careful art at times. As a Christian, I cannot hold those around me to the same standards of life and faith as I hold myself. I am the only one that knows how deep my commitment to Christ is. On the flipside, there are so many that think of themselves to as Christians, but I think are more in the pseudo, Christian-by-default state of mind. Why they are in that place spiritually is their own result of spiritual development, I do attempt to Shepherd them from the view as a more mature Christian encouraging those younger in their faith, often not always or under their direct awareness.

I have found this approach to be very useful in opening God's spirit to them without their knowing there are clear times I wish I could go on a tirade about the ungodliness around me, of course the most fruit from that would be alienating those I have been so careful to find common ground and plant seeds. I ponder about what I know goes on in the lives of those around me. I think this is one of those weekends that I am near a brink of weeping for them cause it hurts to see how they choose to live their lives.

As any soldier that has lived in the barracks can tell you, the most annoying thing is the drama. This probably is not limited to barracks life alone… It is on the level of high school maturity amplified with steady paychecks, disgruntled workers, and a fairly steady supply of excessive alcohol. I have managed to stay above the gossip for the most part. I probably take too much pride in this. By avoiding the gossip I also remain in ignorance. Do I know what people do? Yes, I do know what they do. Do I see it as often as it happens? Not even close, I get out at most once a month and even then it is not with those that produce the most drama. It is most difficult to withhold the tirade of how much stupidity is about to take place when I attend the drinking parties. All the while my heart breaks because I then have the intimate knowledge of seeing the sin at work in my friends and brother in arms. If they could ever see themselves through my eyes just once, maybe they would live for something more.

The advantage of not being knee deep in the drama but more an observer and when appropriate a commentator, I can remove my personal feelings from the situation and give rational advice when it is called upon. I account that as being some part of the Holy Spirit working in me that people can recognize what I say as at the very least good advice. The disadvantage to not being there as often as the debaucheries occur, I allow myself to be naive to it. Now that I think about it, I know I was doing this even more while at home, one of those advantages of not going to the same school, or being in the "church friend" category. I don't know why I do it as much as I do, maybe it is so I can approach them with respect the next time I see them, maybe it is to protect myself from weeping for them every night. I do know that when I learn details about what people are really doing that it hurts my heart. Not in the manner that they betrayed me or in such a way that I should be offended, but in such a way that I know they are living so far from God.

I am sure you have figured it out by now, this weekend was one of those that I learned something I wish I had not. To be completely honest with myself I knew with an overly analytical probability what was happening was, but I could file it away as something that might not be as it seems and rely on that hope. Until this weekend, I know now what I feared to be true. In the midst of my heart breaking in the way that I think God wants our hearts to break for those around us, because his heart breaks for his children in just the same way, I have grasped a deeper understanding of God's love. While I remain satisfied being so naive, God still knows the number of hairs on their head in addition to exactly what they are doing at the most inopportune moments. To know that God can continue to love me as he does, and know the dirt on me constantly, in such a way that was recently revealed to me is so beyond my comprehension I am in awe to be in his presence.

Part of me is asking how does God do that? Can that be a trait we can also learn to do or is that one of those things that only God can do? I know all too often when I get such details I am so tempted to use that to puff my own self up, but God continues to love us. Romans 5:6-8 is certainly speaking worlds to me today.

Odd Assumptions and Practical Atheism

I had a fun morning today; we were destroying a big display board so we could throw it away. The best part was the conversations we had while we were working on the easy project. I found it profoundly interesting how different I really think from other people and how little faith they have in the power of faith.

It seems every time we get a chance to chat as a group of friends the subject of interest seems to always be relationships or something along those lines. I know I am naive about certain subjects and rather inexperienced in many areas of relationships but I think I am greatly underestimated in many factors of how my future will turn out. I also must say they believe far too much in human nature. According to them as soon as I am de-virginized, I will become some form of man which resembles the rest of the male population whose sole goal in life is to seek anything in a skirt. In addition, any temptation I have will eventually be given into. The most encouraging thing I heard was that the expected length of my "first" marriage was 2 years from one of my friends. I quoted "first" because I do not plan nor do I think it is a wise plan to think of marriages as first or any numerical count. The one semi-accurate thing I think is fair at the very least to consider is that I will be heart broken if/when my first relationship fails.

Oh yea, this weekend I went to a R&R resort hosted by the chaplains. We had a lesson time on Friday (it was thurs-sat), for the single soldiers we watch a few sermons out of Song of Solomon. It was a rather exhaustive approach going through each verse at a time, thus in the three hours we got to the middle of chapter two. So far I must say I that it wasn't that hot'n heavy as I have heard, then again that was just the choosing and courting parts of the book. The one bit that I really agreed with was how to find a Christian mate. The pastor in the videos said “we simply run whole heartedly for Christ and look to our right and left to see who is running next to us, at some point see if they want to run with you”. Many of the other details in the sermons mentioned stuff I have heard and or applied appropriately already, I think.

This was one of those conversations I found both entertaining and sad at the same time. It was quiet funny how they think that everyone has to through life in an aimless search to find what their looking for. Sad because I know exactly what they were searching for at points in their lives and they didn't look in the right place. I have a delicate time with deep conversations like this cause one of my friends is really sensitive to anything almost alluding to a spiritual discussion. I hope in my efforts to love and not shove the Gospel down her throat that I have not been too subtle about it. I think I valued or gave slightly more credit to this conversation for a couple reasons, first they are some of my closest non-Christian friends here, second they are all married, and third it had a certain tone of seriousness that I found rather eerie from some of the stuff they were saying.

A part of me still feels like I am not doing so good at shining bright that others will praise God (1 Peter 2:12, Matthew 5:16). That verse has been such a source of influence in the way I constantly attempt to conduct myself but yet those that verbally notice so often refer to me as being a "good" guy. It irks me so much because being seen as "good" is the exact opposite in my purpose. I know it is up to the individual to see the good works and praise our Father in Heaven, but I can't help but think that they have seen so few earnest Christians that they don't recognize that it is God in me that is so good. There is so much that I have seen that is frustrating, so many people going about their lives in search of what I have found. Yet, since I have not lived through their life I cannot know the solution to their issues.

I have been reading perhaps the best apologetic book yet, called I Don't Have Enough Faith to be An Atheist. I am almost completed reading it, somewhere one of the common themes in the apologetics I have been reading is the true answer to why most people deny God's existence. They do not wish to admit nor submit their life to God, simple as that. I have found a new conundrum, as most apologetics are addressed to atheists; what about those that calls themselves Christians. I think the world is far more populated with people that think they are Christians but live without him as an active part of their life. Not to say they are all immoral heathens that live in terrible debauchery, but take their faith to a point similar to Agnostics. The whole "big guy way up there that doesn't really care" ideology seems to me to be far more common than declared atheists. Then when they see the difference that God makes in our lives it doesn't click that our faith is what makes so much difference.

Then again what apologetics are there to logically show more about God than what is revealed through the persuasive arguments and debates? I don't think that form of ministry is a practical use of apologetics. I think conveying the personality and the express uniqueness of our God is something that only we can accomplish both by words but more by lifestyle. I am reminded of the intro to What if Stumble every time I think about that. The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and deny him by their lifestyle. Then to add a bit more, because there are so few Christians that acknowledge Jesus in our lifestyle it is alien to those that see it.

Why Don't I?

When I reflect upon what I have done on my own to grow spiritually over the last 4 or 5 months I find it comforting to know that I am frequently spending time to grow; be it through reading/studying or one of the several forms of media that I have. The most recent series I watched was some sermons by Andy Stanley out of a church in Georgia. He had an interesting series on the Gospels, similar to the route of Case for Christ, but emphasized what was most probable and how logically thinking people could deny the Gospel's truth. They had a nifty skit to see if Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John could stand on trial.

Anyways the "this" I refer to is my behaviors to seek Christ and grow spiritually. Although I do find it comforting to know that I am seeking God, a question hits me now and again usually while I am just pondering as I rake leaves or do some meaningless task. Why didn't I do this back at home? I mean since I have been here I have read a book, wrote several Bible studies, listened to probably more than a hundred hours of sermons and seminars. The majority of the resources I have had for quite some time. Why does it take me being in the most isolated place I have ever been spiritually, to seek active growth?

Take the Hume messages for instance, I have had those since the conclusion of the 2003 Summer. I think I might have listened to 2 weeks’ worth of messages to remember what they said. I was tracking which messages I had taken notes on and just listened to and so far I have gone through a couple fishermen conferences, a youth pastors' conference, and several weeks of summer camp messages and a few miscellaneous messages. Why does it take the harsh circumstances for me to finally be proactive? Maybe I see more opportunities to share with people so I want to follow 1 Peter 3:15 to be ready at any moment to give a defense for the hope that I have. That would be a great church answer wouldn't it?

Sadly I think it is because there is a part of me that wants to be independent. I wouldn't try to say why I want to be so independent so often, could be part of my personality maybe that is how I was taught with the whole American part, maybe it is because I am a child of Adam. I think many people can try to link events in our past to psychoanalyze why we behave the way we do, with this I think it the Adam part in us. One of the biggest things that I have learned in my spiritual walk is that this life is about depending on God.

So often we hear the sermons and messages about accepting God and becoming a Christian but this is something that I think has occurred to me over time. People that see Christianity like a bunch of rules often miss the point of making God our God. I like to stress the importance of the relationship with Christ. The close personal connection is where we learn the deeper purpose of why we are instructed to do what we do. All the while we still have that part in us of wanting to be independent. I don't think that can be called our sin nature to want to be independent, or can it? That is pretty scary thing to consider, sin is the separation from God, so if the desire to be independent from God... I think that can qualify. Whoa... So does that extend the dangers of freedom into the rest of our lives?

I believe that all the principles of our Christian lives should overflow into our entire beings, but this thought is pretty scary. I think you might see where this is going, is freedom a bad thing? Phew, when I get to this point I can easily say "no". Our freedom of choice is paramount in our ability to sin and God loving us enough to let us do what we want. So from that angle freedom is a good thing. I suppose what got me on the path of pondering its potential was that freedom is able to be used for good or evil. Looking back at where my thoughts were going, the potential to do wrong is always present, I often wish I did not have that potential but it is something I must continue to battle daily.

This really got me thinking from the last sermon I saw. It was about Zedikiah and the overall behavior of the Jews throughout the Old Testament. The repeated process that we see throughout the Jewish history from the time of Saul until Zedikiah, the last King of Israel, was a pendulum of faithfulness. Jeremiah warned Zedikiah to repent from his ways and he wouldn't so God stepped back and let Nebuchadnezzar do his conquering thing. Granted when I do my own thing I don't go as far as Zedikiah got nor was I disciplined as harshly. Mr. Stanley had a really true statement I found great value; God does not discipline those he loves to punish them, but to win them back. How often do we have to get to our wits end before we'll turn around and do it God's way? If you are anything like me, I will usually get so far or so devoted and not see the danger or see the need to keep the guard up and then I am repenting, again.

I hate to think this cyclic process is a lack of commitment on my part, but how dumb am I that I keep falling for the same things every time? I mean this is a tried and true cycle, not quiet set to a calendar but good grief talk about repetitiveness. That was much of my spiritual behavior back at home and not that far from what it is here. I know I don't fall as often as I did when I was at home because the danger is much more apparent and constant. What I keep returning to, is why do I only respond to the danger I see? After all Ephesians 6:10-13 clearly tells us that we are fighting the unseen. This goes right back to the material from Romans 6, probably the most studied chapter that I have heard commentaries and looked at, and I still fight, sometimes I win sometimes I loose. When I lose I recall a bit from I think it was Todd Arnet that said it, it was something along the lines "I am not activity constantly fighting sin, because if I was, it would've been long gone from me. I fight sin in bursts, and when I sin, it is because I wanted to."

Epilogue: As I read through this to correct the grammar and typos, I was grieved by the blatant pride I had in the faith that was so important. I survived that trial of faith by the God's provision alone. I was reminded why I embraced Reformed Theology so much, that I had to be humbled. Reformed Theology is a non-essential discussion Christians can have with each other upon finding the common ground of basic orthodoxy. This simply reminded me why Reformed Theology was necessary for me.