I get the chance to return back to the proverbial "home" for the weekend so here it to making the most of it. I think I learned something about myself, well not so much completely new information but it is much more real to me. In addition I think I saw something about God that I appreciate much more. The kind of mind aweing feeling that Isaiah might have experienced being in the presence of the Holy God.
I think I do well with letting those around me live their lives. I have mentioned a few times before that the balance of appreciating the Free Will others use and God's standard of right and wrong is a careful art at times. As a Christian, I cannot hold those around me to the same standards of life and faith as I hold myself. I am the only one that knows how deep my commitment to Christ is. On the flipside, there are so many that think of themselves to as Christians, but I think are more in the pseudo, Christian-by-default state of mind. Why they are in that place spiritually is their own result of spiritual development, I do attempt to Shepherd them from the view as a more mature Christian encouraging those younger in their faith, often not always or under their direct awareness.
I have found this approach to be very useful in opening God's spirit to them without their knowing there are clear times I wish I could go on a tirade about the ungodliness around me, of course the most fruit from that would be alienating those I have been so careful to find common ground and plant seeds. I ponder about what I know goes on in the lives of those around me. I think this is one of those weekends that I am near a brink of weeping for them cause it hurts to see how they choose to live their lives.
As any soldier that has lived in the barracks can tell you, the most annoying thing is the drama. This probably is not limited to barracks life alone… It is on the level of high school maturity amplified with steady paychecks, disgruntled workers, and a fairly steady supply of excessive alcohol. I have managed to stay above the gossip for the most part. I probably take too much pride in this. By avoiding the gossip I also remain in ignorance. Do I know what people do? Yes, I do know what they do. Do I see it as often as it happens? Not even close, I get out at most once a month and even then it is not with those that produce the most drama. It is most difficult to withhold the tirade of how much stupidity is about to take place when I attend the drinking parties. All the while my heart breaks because I then have the intimate knowledge of seeing the sin at work in my friends and brother in arms. If they could ever see themselves through my eyes just once, maybe they would live for something more.
The advantage of not being knee deep in the drama but more an observer and when appropriate a commentator, I can remove my personal feelings from the situation and give rational advice when it is called upon. I account that as being some part of the Holy Spirit working in me that people can recognize what I say as at the very least good advice. The disadvantage to not being there as often as the debaucheries occur, I allow myself to be naive to it. Now that I think about it, I know I was doing this even more while at home, one of those advantages of not going to the same school, or being in the "church friend" category. I don't know why I do it as much as I do, maybe it is so I can approach them with respect the next time I see them, maybe it is to protect myself from weeping for them every night. I do know that when I learn details about what people are really doing that it hurts my heart. Not in the manner that they betrayed me or in such a way that I should be offended, but in such a way that I know they are living so far from God.
I am sure you have figured it out by now, this weekend was one of those that I learned something I wish I had not. To be completely honest with myself I knew with an overly analytical probability what was happening was, but I could file it away as something that might not be as it seems and rely on that hope. Until this weekend, I know now what I feared to be true. In the midst of my heart breaking in the way that I think God wants our hearts to break for those around us, because his heart breaks for his children in just the same way, I have grasped a deeper understanding of God's love. While I remain satisfied being so naive, God still knows the number of hairs on their head in addition to exactly what they are doing at the most inopportune moments. To know that God can continue to love me as he does, and know the dirt on me constantly, in such a way that was recently revealed to me is so beyond my comprehension I am in awe to be in his presence.
Part of me is asking how does God do that? Can that be a trait we can also learn to do or is that one of those things that only God can do? I know all too often when I get such details I am so tempted to use that to puff my own self up, but God continues to love us. Romans 5:6-8 is certainly speaking worlds to me today.
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