Feeling Stagnant

I have no idea where this will take me; I just am somewhat bored and feel like I haven't thought out loud for too long. Now that everything at work has slowed down so much there is a lot of free time everywhere. Most of the time we are doing details just to do something but with all the supplies packed up even that much is difficult. I am anxious to receive my passport so I can travel, even though some country's have open borders in order to get a mileage pass I still have to have a passport. I hope the Spain trip works out. I feel like I am at a real loss, and this hasn't been the first time where I really have no idea what to talk about.

Maybe that could be the topic. Yea, I think I can go with that. What does it mean when I have nothing significant happening. Well, that is a bit of an understatement, one of the other people in the barracks has recently started going to chapel. It is a huge source of encouragement to know I am not so alone. When I think about the blankness of thought for the time I question how healthy it could be. I know I haven't let up in my pursuit to stand for something righteous. I have made greater attempts and so far so good reading again. My gaming has definitely sub-sided and I have had more motivation to hit the gym again. The overall balance of life I had before the busy period is re-establishing itself. The thing that concerns me though is the lack of serious thoughts.

In my typical blogs I have some spiritual lesson or major event that has hit me and there is a part of me that is worried that I haven't had anything come up in almost a month that I have been compelled enough to write about. I am thinking that can't be a good thing, if I am not growing then what else is there? Surviving, kind of, falling away or not doing so well, I hope not. Am I just worrying that I have written about so much already that I am at a loss about what more to write. I have thought about writing some blogs about my take on the War, current events I have seen in the news and things of that nature might be interesting from a soldier's perspective.

I think that by my lack of spiritual passion for the weeks that I might be at a lukewarm period, I say that and think "How can that be?" Am I compromising more? Am I devoted to the same principles that I have been fighting to hold to for these several months? I think those questions can be answered that I am in a good position. I know there is always growth, but when I can hardly sense anything going on or bouncing in my head, I have a serious “what the heck” moment. The scary thing is this moment is lasting entirely too long in my opinion...

I am reminded of an adage that I heard a while ago and much agrees with. It was something along the lines of "If you are not being persecuted for your beliefs you're doing something wrong", in reference to how faithful we are to living out our faith. I was encouraged in a moment I don't think was meant to really be encouraging. In my most recent sit-down with my supervisors they were saying that I need to tone done on how seriously I take my faith.

They were suggesting I socialize more with people other than from church. I have nothing against that but between general vibes and straight out telling me, the others in my platoon don't want to take me anywhere because I am such a killjoy. I suppose my very presence prevents them from having as much fun. I thought the best part about the discussion is they said I need to stop approaching people like "Hi I am Joseph, and I am a Christian". I really don't think I come across that strong nor do I attempt to bible-thump those around me for living as they please. My next best guess as to why people are so uncomfortable around me is that I actually stand for something and refuse to budge.

I know that sit-down was meant to be helpful suggestions for me to get out more; I found it encouraging that my life message is clear. I know I don't come across like a lunatic or attempt to be a holier-than-thou, the only times I ever get to discuss spiritual issues most of the time is when I am chatting with Adam, a friend from church and in my platoon. So when I regularly hear people say I am a bible thumper or something of that sort I simply wonder that is my lifestyle preaching that much without my words? If so, awesome!

Last Chance

So today was it, my last chance at passing my physical training (PT) test before the unit moves to Kansas. It was a really big deal. I have been flagged since November which makes a damper on many privileges as well as makes it very difficult to get favorable actions like moving units. In addition, from Dec till the middle of February I was on a remedial PT schedule that was 6 days a week, and was fun for about a month. The rest of the duration was a pain in the hindquarter. Even more, last week a memo came out that those that did not pass this PT test would not receive PCS awards. Permanent Change of Station is when people go to a new post/unit. If you did well at the unit you are leaving you should get a PCS award. I was hoping to get one:

A)   My squad leader has been spending the last 2 weeks writing the recommendations

B)   My dress uniform is rather bare still, so anything that can go on it would be nice.

C)   The awards are worth promotion points when I am trying to get sergeant, but that is not something I have been worry about much at all.

The part that this means the most for me is I can continue to try to go back to the US with my unit. The paths I would have to take to get that accomplished would either be released by the European Command to go with my unit that would love to take me, or re-enlist. The re-enlist part is unlikely because I need 17 months’ time in service to do so, and I am roughly 3 months short, so I'd need some kind of high ranking action done to allow me to re-enlist. If this did not go well, I would have no chance to make an effort to further try to go to a unit other than the one I am currently slated to go to. If I must stay in Germany I want to go to a unit that does what I was trained to do, which aside from being far more stimulating and interesting greatly furthers my possible career paths in the Intelligence community if that happens to be a door that God opens when I get out of here.

I know I have mentioned it several times before about my loneliness here, manly the spiritual isolation from not having any single Christians to fellowship. My lack of transportation doesn't exactly help me to go looking for other Christians beyond the base. The biggest reason I want to go back to the US is that I believe I will be able to find more single Christians than here. The reasoning, in Europe most of the posts are small, they don't have very large forces of people and the posts are all over the place. Every single post in the US has at least several thousand personnel; I think 5-10,000 is a safe estimate for many of the posts across the US. My reasoning, since people that live their lives like me is rather uncommon Army-wide, if I am on a post with several times more people I will have better chances of finding people to fellowship with. I know there are no promises of finding others, but the chances are greatly increased. If I am blessed enough to get to go to Kansas the post is literally across the street from K-State, so at the very least I could check out the Campus Crusade/Navigators campus outreach programs around there. I hope to go to a post that I would not do personnel type of work or go to a post with a larger population that fellowship has better possibilities.

The recent weeks have been very difficult. Two weeks ago was I found out that I could not go home for Easter, which hurt. Last week the list came out for who was going to Kansas, as of now not I. I am slotted to go to a small post near Nuremburg, with a small post comes all the frustrations that I presently have. Playing the odds, it doesn't look to good so far. The semi-regular flow of bad news has really been getting to me. Last week I was really depressed and just had nothing to smile about. It is bad when one cannot smile or even force a fake one until it is real. My light at the end of the tunnel was dimmed and the tunnel got four times longer. It has only been seven months of a two year tour if I stay for the entire time. So far it looks like that's happening. Seven months, as long as that seems it is little more than 1/4 of my time on the other side of the ocean. I don't hold anything against Germany in itself; I have not even been able to properly travel yet. That goes hand in hand with not having someone I can easily hang out with.

Therefore, I think you get the idea about how much this PT test matters. Because of all the extra PT training I was rather confident that I had this run in the bag. The last PT test I was four seconds short on the run, it was 20 degrees and some of the route was icy. Monday I wanted to run the PT route with my pacer, to make sure it was in the bag and there was nothing to worry about. We started the run after a light chest workout at the gym, because well, we both really like doing the bench press. We started going and about 1/2 mile into it we stopped running cause we were going way too slow. The time I needed was 15:54 so for the 1/2 mile mark 4 minutes is acceptable; I think he said we were around 5:30-6 minutes at that mark. We ended up doing sprints a little further and the way back; the whole time when I wasn't gasping for air I was confused how I could be running so slowly. The test run did not set my mind at ease, it did quite the opposite. I didn't do any PT Tuesday, it is standard practice of the Army to not do PT the day before the test, and I made a big effort to take it easy when the day was done. It was another long day which is kind of the curve for the following weeks. I had a light dinner, watched Fantastic 4, and did some reading in John, Romans, & Jude. I really haven't been reading as much as I used to, I need to make a better effort to fix that. I went to bed at nine, an hour early to make sure I was well rested for my 0530 alarms. About the sleep last night... yea, I haven't had one like that since the night before I went to Basic. I am pretty sure I woke up at 10:30, 11:30, 12:15, 1:40, 2:30, 3:30, 4:15, and finally 5:30. The beginning of the night I was able to roll over and go back to sleep but from about the 12:15 mark on I laid awake from a weird dream about details changing or me thinking I took the PT test already and just head twisting things like that, so I didn't sleep too well despite my efforts to sleep well. I got some "sport beans", supposedly energy jelly beans, for the run to try help in any way it could because I was in somewhat of a desperate state all of Tuesday through much of this morning.

At least I was not late to the PT test. Step one was out of the way. I took a protein shake right when I woke up because I usually do perform better with some protein inside me. The push-ups went normal, no problems, I think I might be slowing down but that might just be a lack of competition. The sit-ups went okay, not great by still around 90%. Then the run, I have a certain problem being able to breathe and run at a halfway decent pace. There is something about PT tests that really set my breathing at an off pace. It was a rather nice morning, it was almost sunny couldn't have been colder than 40 degrees which is really warm in recent history. The “go!” went off and the run wasn't going too well. I think the jelly beans were a bad idea, cause they stirred me around the 1/4 mark. I kept gasping for air and Teddy was yelling at me for roughly the whole duration. It wasn't the most painful run I have ever had but it was by no means easy. The last PT test I was at 7:25 at the mile mark and I was still short. I wasn't sure how it was going until I got in range; I was at 7:38 for the halfway point, not terrible but not too good. I was certain although everything inside me was trying to go at max speed that an old lady with a walker could've passed me at my pace. The chaplain was at the last 100 yards to help encourage me to sprint it out, he has been a good source of encouragement for the last couple PT tests. I ran it in and I was certain the numbers I heard counting were 58... 59... and instantly thought NOOOO!!!!!!! Then the next second he said "15:30!" I nearly collapsed, I was so happy and I really was that tired. I suppose this might be a turn for better, I definitely have more hope and can continue to try to go to Kansas. Although my chances are still really low, they are still better than 0.

Why Don't I?

When I reflect upon what I have done on my own to grow spiritually over the last 4 or 5 months I find it comforting to know that I am frequently spending time to grow; be it through reading/studying or one of the several forms of media that I have. The most recent series I watched was some sermons by Andy Stanley out of a church in Georgia. He had an interesting series on the Gospels, similar to the route of Case for Christ, but emphasized what was most probable and how logically thinking people could deny the Gospel's truth. They had a nifty skit to see if Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John could stand on trial.

Anyways the "this" I refer to is my behaviors to seek Christ and grow spiritually. Although I do find it comforting to know that I am seeking God, a question hits me now and again usually while I am just pondering as I rake leaves or do some meaningless task. Why didn't I do this back at home? I mean since I have been here I have read a book, wrote several Bible studies, listened to probably more than a hundred hours of sermons and seminars. The majority of the resources I have had for quite some time. Why does it take me being in the most isolated place I have ever been spiritually, to seek active growth?

Take the Hume messages for instance, I have had those since the conclusion of the 2003 Summer. I think I might have listened to 2 weeks’ worth of messages to remember what they said. I was tracking which messages I had taken notes on and just listened to and so far I have gone through a couple fishermen conferences, a youth pastors' conference, and several weeks of summer camp messages and a few miscellaneous messages. Why does it take the harsh circumstances for me to finally be proactive? Maybe I see more opportunities to share with people so I want to follow 1 Peter 3:15 to be ready at any moment to give a defense for the hope that I have. That would be a great church answer wouldn't it?

Sadly I think it is because there is a part of me that wants to be independent. I wouldn't try to say why I want to be so independent so often, could be part of my personality maybe that is how I was taught with the whole American part, maybe it is because I am a child of Adam. I think many people can try to link events in our past to psychoanalyze why we behave the way we do, with this I think it the Adam part in us. One of the biggest things that I have learned in my spiritual walk is that this life is about depending on God.

So often we hear the sermons and messages about accepting God and becoming a Christian but this is something that I think has occurred to me over time. People that see Christianity like a bunch of rules often miss the point of making God our God. I like to stress the importance of the relationship with Christ. The close personal connection is where we learn the deeper purpose of why we are instructed to do what we do. All the while we still have that part in us of wanting to be independent. I don't think that can be called our sin nature to want to be independent, or can it? That is pretty scary thing to consider, sin is the separation from God, so if the desire to be independent from God... I think that can qualify. Whoa... So does that extend the dangers of freedom into the rest of our lives?

I believe that all the principles of our Christian lives should overflow into our entire beings, but this thought is pretty scary. I think you might see where this is going, is freedom a bad thing? Phew, when I get to this point I can easily say "no". Our freedom of choice is paramount in our ability to sin and God loving us enough to let us do what we want. So from that angle freedom is a good thing. I suppose what got me on the path of pondering its potential was that freedom is able to be used for good or evil. Looking back at where my thoughts were going, the potential to do wrong is always present, I often wish I did not have that potential but it is something I must continue to battle daily.

This really got me thinking from the last sermon I saw. It was about Zedikiah and the overall behavior of the Jews throughout the Old Testament. The repeated process that we see throughout the Jewish history from the time of Saul until Zedikiah, the last King of Israel, was a pendulum of faithfulness. Jeremiah warned Zedikiah to repent from his ways and he wouldn't so God stepped back and let Nebuchadnezzar do his conquering thing. Granted when I do my own thing I don't go as far as Zedikiah got nor was I disciplined as harshly. Mr. Stanley had a really true statement I found great value; God does not discipline those he loves to punish them, but to win them back. How often do we have to get to our wits end before we'll turn around and do it God's way? If you are anything like me, I will usually get so far or so devoted and not see the danger or see the need to keep the guard up and then I am repenting, again.

I hate to think this cyclic process is a lack of commitment on my part, but how dumb am I that I keep falling for the same things every time? I mean this is a tried and true cycle, not quiet set to a calendar but good grief talk about repetitiveness. That was much of my spiritual behavior back at home and not that far from what it is here. I know I don't fall as often as I did when I was at home because the danger is much more apparent and constant. What I keep returning to, is why do I only respond to the danger I see? After all Ephesians 6:10-13 clearly tells us that we are fighting the unseen. This goes right back to the material from Romans 6, probably the most studied chapter that I have heard commentaries and looked at, and I still fight, sometimes I win sometimes I loose. When I lose I recall a bit from I think it was Todd Arnet that said it, it was something along the lines "I am not activity constantly fighting sin, because if I was, it would've been long gone from me. I fight sin in bursts, and when I sin, it is because I wanted to."

Epilogue: As I read through this to correct the grammar and typos, I was grieved by the blatant pride I had in the faith that was so important. I survived that trial of faith by the God's provision alone. I was reminded why I embraced Reformed Theology so much, that I had to be humbled. Reformed Theology is a non-essential discussion Christians can have with each other upon finding the common ground of basic orthodoxy. This simply reminded me why Reformed Theology was necessary for me.