To Drink or Not To Drink?

As I was reading a very interesting book that will have its own blogs of thoughts and reflections it just struck me that I should write this. Whatever it turns into here's your warning this is completely spontaneous. I am on the eve of finishing my clearing process and thus leaving a place that has been my domicile (I still refuse to call it home) for the last 13 months in a country I have called my residence for 2 years. I suppose this warrants some amount of reflection. It might even help the fact me accept the fact that I actually am leaving.

The first thought that comes to mind started around June or July of 2005. When I first saw there was the strong chance I was going to be stationed in Germany I immediately thought about what I could do to make a meaningful, apparent and bold statement of faith through my lifestyle while residing in a foreign country. At that time I was still trying to learn how to move past the spiritual separation I experienced upon leaving home while finding a livable medium in which I was not a “holy rolling judgmental Christian” but was not one of the crowd either. The idea and reality that it was normal for young adults to go out on a weekend basis if not more often and completely give themselves up to such worldly living was still a bit of a lifestyle shock to me. I never attended a gathering prior to the military where my peers were drinking and… yea. All of it.

As I reflect upon those months in Arizona and saw what people did with the freedom they had, even as limited as it was; I know my response had be something drastic. Germany is famous for their beer. I was still unsure how to respond to the offers of alcohol. While at Arizona, I was under 21 and had the weak reason by social standards but an easy one as to why I did not drink. I wanted to follow the law. I knew going to Germany where the legal age if you want to call it that was 18, and I was 21 upon arrival, the excuse that got me through several months would not hold up in the regular Army. Talking to reclassing soldiers (those getting a new job & training) the stories of Germany were not very encouraging to me and my desire to remain faithful throughout the duration of my service.

It was during those months that I had made a commitment to God that I will not willingly or knowingly consume an alcoholic beverage while on my overseas tour. I wouldn't call it a covenant because it was something I wanted to lay before God as a sacrifice; I was not expecting anything in return. I can think of two close calls which I might have compromised myself and my commitment, one was eating cake that had rum in it that I found out upon chewing it that there was a small presence of rum not cooked out of the cake. The other was when I popped my first whole German chocolate candy in my mouth; it was filled with something that I didn't like that was alcoholic. Following that experience I learned how to read the ingredients on the back of chocolates. It is rather difficult to find non-alcoholic assorted chocolates. I must say with brutal honesty that this was not easy to complete. This was reflected upon in What did I get myself into?

The first year was by far the most difficult. It probably didn't help that I spent the majority of my free time playing WoW in the barracks hallway on the weekends which I would see the habits of the second floor population. Actually, I kind of prided myself at times that at certain points I simply by smelling the drink I could tell people what they had put in it. My unit put serious effort trying to get me to drink. On one humorous point, the easiest way to get lots of free alcohol is to tell people you don't drink. There were also days that had taken their toll on my spirit. Between work or personal stress, I am certain if it was not for my commitment to abstain I would have drank myself to the clear point of sin. In that respect I think I can somewhat empathize with people that do drink to escape the problems of the day. I think there has been a several occasions that it was through people's curiosity about my decision that I was able to share Christ with them. It was astonishing to me how many found such a simple action as to abstain was seen a drastic move. Throughout this challenge, I must also keep my pride in check. It was not by my power that this commitment was fulfilled.

Like many of my decisions of abstinence, after several months of practicing a grander idea came to mind about what could be gained from such experience. Hopefully, I can speak as one who has experience about alcohol and peer pressure. Living in a country which beer is more normal than water, at an appropriate age, and appropriate places, I have had every justification to partake. Except that I wanted to lay before God a part of my life that I had not used until I committed it to them (remember the Trinity). There is a part of me that hopes these years of experience will encourage a high school student or college student how to address the prevalence of alcohol in today's culture and how it meshes or conflicts with our relationship with Christ. I don't pretend to have a mask that it doesn't bother me that many of my peers drink alcohol, I know there are plenty of scriptural examples that show it is not the act of drinking that is sin in anyway. After all, Jesus' first public miracle was making good wine. I know this is a question that every person must answer for him or herself. For me, for this period of time, it was a choice not to drink.

This is where it starts to get curious. On one hand I am experiencing a sense of accomplishment and joy because through God's strength I remained true to my commitment. I am preparing to return to the states, now a full fledged legal adult at 23, I am in a similar situation to ponder, upon the completion of this commitment do I want to try an alcoholic beverage? In complete honesty this question has come to mind several times and I have not made any solidly committed decision, which I think I will before I get on the airplane this week. While I am very curious what some drinks taste like, I don't think that curiosity is enough to possibly tempt myself or become vulnerable alcohol or the possible abuse of it an extremely active issue in the military. I don't know why I am delaying a committed decision so much; it is not like I spent months in agony or meditation for the first commitment. For the sake of continuing to submit myself to God's will, to make myself open and always alert to what I might be shown, I here and now extend my commitment to the duration of my enlistment.

Epilogue: I had my first drink with a friend from Germany back at home. God brought us together that our friendship could continue. I was the designated driver for him from time to time in Germany and in one of our conversations I agreed to have a drink with him if it was reasonable. Even in my civilian years there have been numerous occasions which I have abstained from alcohol. Whenever I work at Hume, no drinking is included in the contract. When I was in student leadership at William Jessup, no drinking. When I deployed to Afghanistan as a civilian, no drinking. When I was an undergraduate at Biola, no drinking. Through these experiences, especially not being able to drink as a 28 year old undergraduate I was able to recognize the heart of submission to authorities I have voluntarily accepted. Integrity ought to be worth more than a light buzz.

Growing Out of Faith

While I was home I got a chance to go to church college group for a couple weeks. The group discussions we had are one of the things that I miss the most about being away from home. One of the discussions was concerning the results of a recent Barna Group poll showing the majority of young adults who attended church in their teens cease to continue church attendance in their 20's. This was a particularly interesting topic to me considering my location and environment which I can confirm the poll's results in my sphere of influence.

According to the survey 81% of teens have attended some sort of church for a period of 2 months or more. From face value that is an awesome progress report. Youth workers of today are reaching the future generation. Too bad the study didn't just provide some encouraging information that we can quantitatively see that we are making a difference. The survey also reports 61% of now twenty-somethings who were engaged in church are now disengaged. Even more, only 20% of the twenty-somethings polled have maintained their level of spiritual activity consistent with their high school days.

Before I get too far on the statistics I find it necessary to point out that these results were found over the course of sample surveys for the last 5 years interviewing more than 22,000 adults, 3500 twenty-somethings, and 2100 teens. I know statistics can be manipulated to express anyone's agenda, I think the most important thing we can consider for ourselves when questioning the data is, "How true is this around those I know?” I know in my situation it is seems right on par. I can't tell you how many people I have encountered in my experiences that had once been active in church activities in their youth, some even being leaders in the youth groups, but now do not even attend chapel services at all. The reasons are various, be it faith is not something they want the military to dip their hands into or church is something they do at home.

I don't expect to claim there is a clear formula as to why the young adults of today stop attending church; there are too many variables to account for. What can be addressed are issues or methods that might have better success at keeping people active in the church. I also wish to make clear that by no means does one attending church show or define their devoutness to the faith. I believe it is so important to be active in a Christian community of some sort for two reasons: teamwork at any task is more effective and Christianity is not meant to be practiced in isolation. Hopefully, the goal of active Christians is to introduce people to Christ. This is a very trying task and is much more difficult to do so without a support structure or encouragement that ought to come from a church.

I think one of the most contributing factors as to why there is such a dip in church attendance is how teens are prepared spiritually as adults. For some reason in the recent 40 years of history, so little is expected of the 18-24 age group that most don't bother to develop themselves. I understand the importance of further education, but remember that for the majority of civilizations people were fully fledged adults by 18 if not earlier. Today, as I hold similar bias, an 18 year old is barely getting started with life. I know of more than a couple people that I have wondered "Did your mommy know you're in the Army?"

I think one of the first steps that ought to be taken is to empower the young adults. If today's young adults realized what they are capable of great things will happen. It would not be a stretch to say the only thing society expects from the 18-24 age range is to continue education or start a career. Not bad expectations but with it comes the impression that they are not expected to accomplish anything grand until they are complete in the final form of education. With such an expectation the majority of the nation's young adults express themselves accordingly. I think that is one of the main reasons why there is so much carefree drunkenness and promiscuity. This suggestion is more to combat the overall culture war, not so much to keep the pews filled.

Consider the factors that dramatically change upon entering the young adult stage. Most people leave home, be it college, just moving out, military, Peace Corps or some other adventure. Just from that point there are huge changes that have great influence as to which direction a person might choose to live. Leaving high school is huge in itself. Education is likely to continue, however, the method of hand-holding and minute-by-minute structure is gone. Leaving home reduces the influence parents have by proximity. The sphere of friends is also likely to change due to distance. For those that did attend church in their teens, they are no longer in the high school group. That looks to be if not all almost all the support structures that had existed in the young person's life for the previous years of development.

Venturing into the new world with so much freedom most young people are not prepared for so much change so radically when the only thing that is familiar is themselves. Is it easier to navigate from high school student to adult with or without a map and a start point? Those who leave home and don't know who they are do just that. This is why I think it is so important high schoolers define who they are when the support exists so they don't get defined by the pressures around them when those pressures outweigh their support structure. I know for myself one of the main reasons I have been able to hold my ground is because I know who I am and who I want to be. I knew this before I entered the military, seeing so many people who don't know who they are around me is a regular recipe for disaster.

Once the youth of today know who and what they are I think the next step is to answer their questions. Sadly, the church has been failing miserably to answer their questions. I don't think the lack of answers is limited to the youth, other polls I have seen are showing an overall decrease in church attendance in all age groups. The most logical conclusion why such a large demographic of people would cease attendance is that they don't see a relevance to continue attending. Life is a busy thing so if time will be invested in something like church it had better be worth it, if not why waste their time? How many of us have attended church for a decent period of time and been unsatisfied or unaffected by the experience?

How many topics are there that the culture talks about almost constantly but the church remains silent? Granted some churches will make a stance but even fewer will explain why. Why does the Bible speak against premarital sex and homosexuality? What does it mean by sexual immorality? Is evolution true? Is the Bible reliable? Is there Truth? How do we know what is right and wrong? These are just a few of the many that either took years of studying to find the answer or took years for the answer to come to me. I know that for some of the most meaningful answers it is more than the concept that must be conveyed but a heart ready to accept the answer. Answers discovered always have more meaning than answers explained. That does not mean those of us who know the answers can't help guide those searching in the right direction.

I am more than aware a Sunday morning sermon can only cover so much to reach so many people, the real change happens in small groups. I suppose this will count as a shout out to that every mature Christian should lead some kind of small group. There is always the difficulty of getting the skeptical to invest even more time than they already do in something as personal as a small group can be. The nice thing about a church service, it is easy to get lost. I can attend church for years without ever opening up to someone; in fact I did it for years. There is the common small talk but that is on the similar level of "how are you doing?" and we all know what that really means. For some the impersonal side of the corporate church is all they know. There is a general fear in our culture to be real. The most effective thing about small groups is the personal atmosphere present.

Joys of Being Single pt I

One of the first things I noticed that I neglected to mention in Dating or Lack Thereof was the importance of self identity. I think this period in our lives begins in Jr High for most and is well on its way through high school and is finalized in the college age years. Of course this does vary with maturity and the individual's experiences. This factor I think is the primary reason why the teenage years are deemed to be so chaotic by parents, sociologists and the like. I know we can all think of some people who are past college age and still have no idea of who they really are. If the stage of self development is overlooked or not completed I think one of two routes will happen. Either the person will continue to act as they were wherever they “developmentally left off”, never fully developing into a mature adult in that respect, or they will be influenced by others into someone they might not have become had they defined themselves earlier. Actually let’s add one more possibility in the mix, upon a major life changing event, such as becoming a parent; some people start to figure things out at that point.

Many people start getting into relationships too soon in their personal development and are often directed in ways they did not intend or plan. I spent my teen years watching people live and get-together, I used those experiences of friends and classmates to build a “study” of high school relationships. I recall asking many friends “what their goals were in the ____ relationship?”. The majority of people had no idea what I was talking about, which I found rather interesting.

In my over-analyzed life, I attempt to always have a reason why I do something. It is not necessarily always the best, most productive reason, but I will have a reason nonetheless, to quote Agent Smith ”there must be a reason, a purpose.” For those who do have an answer as to why they were in such relationship it would usually be one or more of the following: “to have fun”, “to discover myself”, “to find out what kind of person I want”, or “to get X (X being some physical gratification)”. I don't think I need to dive into why it is a bad idea to have a relationship simply for fun; emotions are great when it is great but are really bad when it is bad. It is not wise to play with emotions. When physical gratification is the primary goal one or both parties are in it for their selfish desires. Their attitudes will reflect their desires and eventually lead to using and/or demeaning each other.

I find the most mentally perplexing reason for the relationship is “to discover myself”. I don't think self discovery is a group activity. Whenever I hear a person talking about “finding themselves” I wonder “when did you lose yourself?” I think what they mean is they are trying to define themselves. When someone in a vulnerable position, such as a dating relationship, is undefined; an inherent burden is put the other person to assist in their definition. This is a highly disadvantageous situation if the burdened person is not acting for the benefit of the other. If both individuals are trying to “find themselves” you have two lost people looking for someone they don't know.

I find the motivation “to figure out what kind of person I want” as a valid reason to date nonsensical. It is an attempt to give them license to not discern who they give their emotions to. I know exactly what kind of woman I am looking for, how do I know? I know who I am. I know what I want to be. I would only make sense to select the kind of person who will encourage my lifestyle and direction. I am looking for someone whose life will be complimentary to mine. Opposites might attract but attraction does not build families.

The foremost advantage from my years of singleness, I have been able to develop and define myself for who I want to be. I know in thought and my dreams, I imagine the first person I date I'll marry. I am not entirely opposed to that happening but I should not expect it to happen. To do so would be the definition of un-necessary stress on a relationship. I also take into account the advice from those who have experience with the other half, many of whom proclaim “I have much to learn about relationships”. I must agree with them.

I recently finished a relationship book. I find it funny that I am reading books about Christian courtship and relationships especially when I know I won't be acting on the things I learn from it for at least another 2 years. It is a topic that has been circulating my head more in the recent months, and it is a nice break from a deeply philosophic or scientific reads which are more typical. As the title suggests it follows the relationship of Isaac and Rebecca in Genesis. Although they went through the courting style of getting together the book was formatted to suit dating more than actual courtship in my opinion. I have a better idea as far as mental knowledge goes as to what sacrifice and love is. Actually my idea of love much more clear than it has previously been. Love is so much more about a commitment and conscious decision than a feeling many people have made it out to be. I was also chuckling upon the conclusion of the latest book, I can spend months on a deep read but the average time for a book on relationships is less than 24 hours.

My Place In This Place

So last night as I was listening to Lifesong to go to sleep to I was pondering/reflecting what I have done I have been in the Army. I was thinking in more consideration of how I have been living than what the work has had to offer. One of the thoughts which came to me I found rather soothing and satisfying.

I remember in the weeks leading up to me signing the papers I was talking to several important people in my life concerning my worries and reservations about the decision that was to follow. I think I got a deeper understanding of how God's will works and presents itself. One of those dreading questions over my head “was it more my will to join than any pulling of the Holy Spirit for me to join?” From that point I was satisfied God will use me anywhere I let him use me. Last night I think I had an epiphany of purpose.

While in my previous duty station, I was rather disenchanted things didn't work out to help out with the youth ministry there. I don't think I set for myself how I was to evangelize to my peers. The first several months I was getting used to the atmosphere of alcoholism, partying, and the sort. I think I was primarily concerned with keeping my own faith strong. This was when I started ordering the books and studying more than I had ever done so in my civilian life. I think around Christmas time one of the guys in the barracks asked me to do a bible study with him. I was quiet excited.

After several months of spotty meetings we generally stopped meeting, he was always tired or sleeping and as life went on and people talked I could clearly see no change in his lifestyle. I don't think I was expecting much but when I see the growth and understanding in the Word and then to see him at the barbeque the following weekends, he spoke through his actions how much he really wanted to change. I didn't want to become his little confessional booth he could do as he pleased and then have a little Bible study and be good until the next time we met. The entire experience was a learning one to say in the least.

When our studies ended I didn't really make a pursuit to get something else started as the rest of the unit was preparing to move to Kansas. This was also after a failed attempt to have a lunch time Bible study typically consisting of myself and the two chaplains. In my mind I think since I wasn't actively pursuing a time involving activity I wasn't really doing anything productive for God. As a whole I was unaware of my spiritual usefulness.

This brings me to last night. While pondering my accomplishments of non-work nature it popped into my head how many people I have been talking to all along who either seek me as a guy for advice, being the voice of reason, or spiritual council. It just hit me, I can think of at least 5 or 6 deep discussions with people in the field alone, not to mention who I have talked to online. Although I was not aware of how loud my lifestyle spoke as I reflected it has been more than worth it. So many of the "lifestyle" sacrifices I have made to actively live differently have served their purpose here. I thought these experiences would only be of use when I am youth pastor or something as an example how to stand up against peer pressure and the party lifestyle.

I find blogs of this nature to be awkward at times, I don't write this to get on a pedestal and proclaim a victory as super Christian. I am often reminded of a song my Dad jokingly liked to sing to himself, "It's hard to be humble". We are called to be humble in what we do. Not always an easy thing but something I noticed from one of the spur of the moment conversations about my life, I don't approach life wanting to prove something. The audience found what I was telling them unbelievable, but believed it because of my demeanor. From that conversation with several guys I had an even more in depth time to share my life and beliefs with one of the guys as we washed dishes for several hours.

Aside from the people who were curious why I live so differently, I have been useful to many people who have fallen away from their faith since being in the Army. I am also pondering writing a blog about how much of a ministry opportunity I have found the Army to be, but I was going to be sure to include the dangers as well. I know far more people that came into the Army with a meaningful faith than are in the Army and live a faithful life. When I pondered it more I don't think I realize that I am an encouragement to those around me. Or at least I never really thought of it that way. I have been much concerned with keeping up with my known spiritual gifts and trying to develop my leadership skills that I think I overlooked something that God has been polishing for some time now.

Do I have this awkward feeling of awareness about what I am doing constantly, no not really. I think I am looking through my glasses with a better prescription on life now.

The Single Guy

This one is definitely thinking aloud. I wouldn't quiet say this is a rant but ponderous thoughts instead. Contributing factors which have lead me to the thoughts of this developing blog are: the Tuesday night Bible study in which we are now studying Song of Solomon, Dating, or lack thereof, a recent conversation/story I was listening to yesterday, and my overall thought process on the issue over the past year.

I would say at this point I am a professional single guy. I am very used to all the luxuries it includes: my free time is all to myself, I have no obligations in my personal or emotional life to another person, and I can focus on whatever my happy heart desires. At this point though I think I understand Genesis 2:18, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." a bit better than I have in the previous years of my life. Wait a minute? Did I just portray the life of a bachelor in a negative light? Taking the context into account I think this encompasses both our spiritual, emotional and personal life. What do I mean by that? I have known very clearly since I joined the Army that our spiritual lives are meant to be lived in community with each other, something my heart continues to long for.

I have had and still have a small community but once again I am perhaps the lone single soldier who attends the chapel services at my own free will. Living in the barracks has its own perils to one's faith if I want to belong. Based on my blog habits, which I believe are so frequent because I lack people around me who I can vent and talk with. So I use this outlet, my personal life wants to be able to share the deeper moments of my heart with someone. I believe it to be incredibly difficult to live out a powerful life for God without people to surround and recharge you when you need it. Community is so vastly important in our faith I cannot stress its importance any less.

As much fun as I have had with the joking feel of singing like Donkey on Shrek, "I'm so alone" which I do tend to sing at moments of opportunity, I often do feel so alone. Standing back and analyzing my singleness I am at the place in my life that I definitely am tired of being single. There are some pitfalls with this facet of my life being unsatisfied though. Before I start to divulge them all, I think there is a precursor to them lying within me. With the utmost uncertainty I think if I was back in the states I would probably be in a similar social situation, being single. Something Jonathan mentioned to me was I still have a lot to learn when it comes to dating and relationships, I don't doubt it.

I think this realization really hit me while I was sitting in on a conversation of reference. The speaker was talking about how he basically got a girlfriend that he has only talked to by phone and internet. The thing I found most profound was when he was complimenting her about how great of a girl she was and that if he was her boyfriend he would find himself to be very lucky. The first instant thought in my mind was "whoa, now that's some brownie points", but upon further ponderance I don't know if I could be that forward to someone to initiate the more than friends relationship. My goal for so long has been to be "the Friend", and I have always been so comfortable at that point in my friendships I rarely have ever wanted to carry it any further. Now, I sit in reflection and questioning myself, could I move past the friend zone?

Often in my thoughts and imagination of my future relationship with my wife or fiancé (whenever it may happen) I usually glaze over how I went from being the friend to actually having the significant other. The bigger implication I pose to myself, “what kind of spiritual leader would this make me when I haven't the daringness to attempt to initiate more than friendship?” Being friends is a wonderful thing. You can count on friends, hang out with them, and talk about anything you are willing to talk about. The only limits to how far a friendship goes are to how far the two want to take it. Well, the physical part kind of goes without saying. Beyond the line of physical behavior, what are the emotional and spiritual lines?

Something I found interesting which I profoundly disagreed with was advice in The 10 Commandments of Dating; it suggested not to pray together because it can rush a relationship into a more intimate position and speed than what the authors believe is safe. In the context of praying together while alone, yes, there is room for temptation amplified through the spiritual intimacy experienced. Therefore, praying together ought to be done in public. Praying for one another and together is one of the best friend building excercises that can be done. It is not just anyone who would pray for you or with you with a true heart.

When I recall my friendships, sometimes I think the only line that needed to be crossed from friend to a possible romantic relationship would have been to talk about it and see where we were and how we felt about each other as that kind of relationship. But… I have never taken that step. As I mentioned in my dating blog, I find people are entirely too fast and forward in the physicality of relationships. For this reason and because I know myself and my own weaknesses I hope my first kiss will be either after I propose or after I say "I do". Oh yea, I suppose I haven't mentioned that to very many people. Yea… I've never been kissed or anything close. How this applies into my future or possible dating life, it throws an interesting curve, because the factor so often used to determine a couple is “a thing” is such forms of affection. By my own desires I have put it off till much further in the relationship.

What inspired this form of dating ideology was a talk I heard at Hume in 03' by Steve Solomon. I can email it to anyone if you are interested to hear it. I think it puts the bar for men to be spiritual leaders and men of integrity much higher than society can even contemplate. While putting the bar up and burden on me to express my feelings in a way which excludes physical intimacy, it also adds a knot into how do I initiate the relationship to the more than friends level. These details I have no idea how to go about. I suppose there would be dates, and activities. I think I’ll figure it out as I go. Well, not really, for the really good ones I can learn all I need to know by watching some chick flicks. Truth be told, the reason guys can't stand chick flicks is because it makes regular guys look so pathetic. I don't know many guys who can build a telescope or buy a star... Perhaps that is why I like Hitch so much, because it is for the normal guys.

Back to my over-analysis of my dissatisfaction and predicaments of the thing called dating. The most difficult part of the relationship is the maintaining and growing part. After all how much more to it is there? There is spending time together, sharing, doing things, and enjoying being around each other. I think at a certain point one of two things happen, you either get married or break up. This model is with the successful relationship, I kind of glossed over the fights, arguments, and disagreements. Those will happen but it is what they are about and how they are dealt with which contributes to the overall success of the relationship. Actually, for many relationships to get through the fights is one of the most defining aspects to show how important it really is. Talking to friends that for some reason ask me for relationship advice on occasion, I think one of the simplest ways to have a working and good relationship is to treat the person as friends treat each other. So often the issues brought up seem to get convoluted in my friends' minds because their emotions are out of control. My objective outlook allows me to be able to look at their situations and talk it out without being emotionally involved. Essentially working out friend’s relationship problems has taught me the most about relationships directly. I am curious how it will hit me when I am no longer emotionally absent from the issue.

Now that I have expelled the internal issues to me not dating or getting into a relationship there are additional factors as to why I believe I remain in this state of singleness until I get out of the Army. I when I enlisted I knew I would likely not get into a relationship; at that point it didn't seem like such a big deal. At this point, it is bittersweet. To halt my loneliness I have thought of trying to find someone in the local area, but it is quickly snuffed by the realization that I will not remain in this country for more than a year. Where I go in a year it is one of three places, based on my occupation I think you all can guess aside from the States where the other two locations may be.

The environments I have found myself in definitely has a shortage of Christians. By Christians I mean to express those that take their faith seriously enough to practice it despite their surroundings. I have yet to find a single Christian female since I have left the states, which definitely puts a hindrance to starting a relationship. I do not think it is a good idea to attempt more than friendship with someone in the states. Long distance friendships can work, but not that kind I think. It hit me after I read 10 Commandments of Dating, that I am not really looking for someone to date, but a serious relationship dare I say wife. I think that explains much about how I have approached social interaction and relationships thus far. I don't think I was ever looking for a girlfriend; I have always been looking for a wife. I think great friendships can be made anywhere, more than that though requires meeting in person. So I find myself in my current state of singleness by lack of options. I am not really stressing too much expecting to not find someone for this period of time, and so I am the single guy.

Dating, or Lack Thereof

Note: Actual date written is unknown, my best guess is sometime in the Summer of '06 since other accurately dated blogs referring to this one start as early as Sept 06.

It is true. Never in my life have I ever dated and it is likely for the next few years I will yet to date. I think I should start with what I mean by dating because as many of the relationships I have seen with friends at church, they did not follow traditional dating as American society has portrayed it to be. Based on observations and talking to people around me, society as a whole believes dating is appropriate and initiated when an attractive person clicks or finds a minor connection, most likely physical connection to start. From that point a series of dates takes place and a couple's relationship carries on from there. Some win, most don't. I think you all understand what I mean by that form of courting. Through seeing its holes is how I have come to my beliefs about this topic.

The primary problems with the way dating is conducted is it lacks knowledge about the each other, focuses too much on the physical, and it is usually done too quickly. Mind you this is the initiation phase. Whether there is communication, trust, or other issues are more generalized once the relationship has some time to develop. I am tempted to say that dating people you don't know is the wrong course of action to getting to know someone.

I think it is best to get to know people in social environments such as parties, activities, classes, and the casual “hanging out”. Through those interactions a familiarity could build and turn to friendship. This is where many people go whoa; hold on, are you saying to date only friends? Well, yea. Friends are people who know you for who you are. They are not people who know about you or have seen you around, they have direct knowledge about you. With such a foundation of understanding we can know enough about each other and assess who we are compatible with.

I think society has a problem with this because friends are too hard to make and take too long to find. Mind you I am not talking about a common acquaintance I am talking to an actual friend. At the very least someone who shares similar values, beliefs, and interests. After all, who do people most often end up talking about their relationship issues with and why? It is always a friend. Now if relationships were built on a friendship which entailed knowing each other, perhaps certain issues could be better worked out when they come up. Maybe, this is the rougher areas of my theory because most people I present this theory to are so flustered that I am still talking about friends being the best candidates to date. At the very least someone should know more than the basics of a person, such knowledge requires moderate effort of being interested in a person as another human being. I have not yet decided if this will overflow into another blog which might be closer to a rant about how people are too preoccupied over physical attraction.

Another red flag usually rises when I tell people my stance is with the whole “what if you break up and then you can't be friends anymore or you lost a friend?” Well, this theory doesn't exactly allot for failure, that's one of the main points for knowing someone very well before you start a special part of human interaction. I believe the more honest someone is as a friend the better the probable success if a relationship is to start. At the very least the other major factor is how one's behavior changes once the "dating" starts to occur. After all so far this has explained the initiation circumstances. For the most part I think the people involved should conduct themselves the same way they did while they were friends. Those details are much sketchier mainly because I have never needed to think that far into the situation. Granted you have probably already thought I put way too much thought into this.

Wanting to Belong?

I think a lot of this became much clearer to me in the last week or two. The Saturday before last I went to play poker with some friends. Something to get out and heck, it was only a few bucks so why not. I suppose that could refer to James 4:17 as something that for me was not wrong and wasn't sinful, I don't doubt if a couple people might raise an eyebrow about the whole poker thing. The thing that really stuck out to me was how our ministry could be hindered.

I think a one of the couples there are Christians, I don't get to work with him very much but I did notice for the most part he doesn't curse and I know his wife definitely was raised to be Christian and she holds onto some of that. We had some good theological conversations and discussions about Christian music that also would persuade me to believe they are Christians. At the same time on of the things discussed at this last week’s bible study was concerning people who have said the prayer of salvation but do not or have not produced fruit, that topic might be a blog on its own. Anyways, they both got drunk that night, it was rather entertaining and made winning from them much easier in the course of the night, but in retrospect, it hit me how they didn't differentiate themselves from the other couple. I think it was clear that the other couple are not Christians.

A couple Friday night's ago there was a Unit Ball, it was as a whole deathly boring even for a formal event, I thought I had high tolerance to formals but wow, that was almost painful. One of the couples I know from church were there they were having some drinks, hey no big deal why not? They have their own reasons for wanting to drink. I feel like much of my experiences I view a step back from everyone else around me, like I am watching them all and not actually taking part in the events with them. I wondered, “How many Christians reduce aspects of ministry by taking part in the social norms?” I think drinking is definitely one of those social norms. By us taking part in the normal activities that the world takes part in, how many opportunities do we lose to show people our difference? I honestly think sometimes the more different my life is from everyone else the more enjoyable it will be. There are so many unhappy people around me, and I believe their lack of fulfillment is because of how they live their lives. It is like two manuals to life; the easily popular one is the way the world goes about things, and then there is the way the Bible instructs us.

There are several black and white guidelines that clearly tell us the do's and don'ts, but as I have gone about my life seeking to know God, I came to realize many if not all the guidelines in scripture are there for a good reason. These are principals that make sense without needing to have a relationship with God, knowing God just makes it that much better! As we go further in our lives we can expand to live more differently than just the do's and don'ts of scripture.

I think that is what gets these ideas to abstain from certain lifestyles and activities than the rest of the world seems crazy and extreme while we are enjoying life so much more. Through not experiencing things we are getting more out of life. This is completely against the most common attempt to persuade me to do something, “just try it once, how will you know it is not for you when you haven’t experienced it for yourself?” How many times have we all heard that one? For some reason people have this need to experience something to know if it is good or bad in order to learn something. I don't know if I stuck a fork in an outlet when I was little to figure it was a bad thing, but I think this is a perfect example to show this part of us starts early. There are some things we don't need to try that we are willing to take on faith, I don't know many people that will attempt to be poisoned to know that it really is poisonous. Where is the line society has drawn on what is it okay to take by faith and what is okay to take by experience?

Does this have to do with a need to belong? By experiencing some of the more painful aspects of life is that how we can greater connect with people? I remember hearing something like this in a sermon some years ago, that Christians should take things by faith and as we have become more faithful to more things we understand why we are to live such ways. I think the speaker said that was God simply checking to see if we can obey and then revealing the "why" is a reward for being faithful.

What Did I Get Myself Into?

Written 11 November 05

            It was sometime in Advanced Individual Training (AIT) when I decided not drink after I found out I was going to spend two years in Germany, for now it is not while I am in the Army. It is likely to expand to probably the greater portion of my life in not it all. Something I am certainly learning though is this is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. In AIT it was a new experience, just hanging out in an atmosphere where alcohol was synonymous with leisure, I figured people would go a little crazy since it had been about three months without being able to drink or smoke for everyone in my platoon. I figured, “Ehh they just wanted to make up for lost time.” But as the freedom increased, the drinking did not decrease. Many of my peers spent every morsel of their weekend at hotel parties. Is this what everyone is talking about when they refer to the college scene? After all, the demographics are about the same, except we will always get paid on time. It was definitely easier in AIT. I was under age, not that this was a deal breaker but it was an acceptable reason to abstain. I suppose at the time that was my reason for not wanting to drink. Trying to have a social life within my bounds of behavior is proving to be difficult. I have yet to find a group of Christians or another practicing single Christian with which to hang. As I get to know the people in my unit I don't think there are any single male Christians in my company. It seems the majority of the people I would be inclined to hang out with (more mature and see things closer to how I see them) happen to be married.

            Last night I went to the Irish Pub, it was my first bar experience. There was nothing terrible about it, no raging alcoholics; a rather uneventful experience. I am getting used to being in an environment with alcohol and not partaking but for some reason there is a little part of me that wants to try some. I faced similar feelings at Chi-Chi's on Tuesday night also, the margaritas looked tasty. There are a range of people that surround me at these events, almost always someone asks me if I want one and most people make no big deal about not drinking, but others do press on that I take “just a taste”. I’m sure many have started with “just a taste.” I know I am not going to get drunk off of a sip, but that is not the point. My goal is to get through the Army without drinking; to take a sip in my mind would ruin it.

I am feeling the pressure, I have thought “hey, maybe if I just take a sip then they'd stop bugging me and that would be that.” However, that is not how sin always knocks on our doors. I doubt there are many alcoholics who seek out to let it ruin their life. Now don't get confused that I am claiming it is a sin to drink, far from it. After all Christ's first public miracle was creating wine from water, and it was the good stuff. There are even references that note the health benefits to take a drink. At the same time we are instructed not to get drunk. For me I am speaking of James 4:17 in this situation. Sin is not a line dictated exactly through scripture. Because sin is a separation between us and God and our connection to God is a personal one, then the separation is also at the personal level. That is how some things can be sin for some people and some things are not sin for others, at the same time I need to be honest with myself of my daily battles.

Over the last 3 months while people have been offering me and at sometimes nearly forcing alcohol down my throat I have done some thinking as to make a more meaningful reason to why I don't drink and to stay committed to that decision. I think this is one of the best ways of describing how Christians might fit into this world. We are to live our lives differently than those around us. How we live our lives differently is to our own deciding. I think one of the most effective ways of living differently is not taking part in activities that we have every right to take part in. I see my decision of not drinking as something that greatly separates me from the vast majority of those around me. By sacrificing this small and unused area in my life to God, that it will become much more than I see it as now.

I am of legal age both in Germany and in the US, there are no cultural qualms against the use of alcohol as something unusual or odd, in fact it is rather norm. In the US we have hotdogs and burgers, Germany has beer and bratwurst, it is a very normal thing to drink. So with every right to take part in this aspect of life and even a way to better fit in to the culture, I should take part in drinking, but I think it is just those same reasons that makes my sacrifice all the more useful for God to use. I suppose in the scheme of things there are also such reasons as it is not healthy, it is expensive, and it doesn't taste good, I know I have used those at some time or another but to treat this as a spiritual act of worship, puts its importance to stay faithful so much higher than any secular reason. Since I have laid this down before God, to me, if I do take a drink it would be a sin. I felt compelled to write this for two reasons, because it is getting harder to continue to say "no" and I am asking for your prayers to keep me strong and true to my decisions. It is also something of value to let you all know how I am really doing.

Epilogue: I took my first drink as a promise to a good friend in Germany, that if we encountered one another after the Army I would have my first drink with him. God did reunite us in the most evident ways, that should probably be a blog for its own time.