My Place In This Place

So last night as I was listening to Lifesong to go to sleep to I was pondering/reflecting what I have done I have been in the Army. I was thinking in more consideration of how I have been living than what the work has had to offer. One of the thoughts which came to me I found rather soothing and satisfying.

I remember in the weeks leading up to me signing the papers I was talking to several important people in my life concerning my worries and reservations about the decision that was to follow. I think I got a deeper understanding of how God's will works and presents itself. One of those dreading questions over my head “was it more my will to join than any pulling of the Holy Spirit for me to join?” From that point I was satisfied God will use me anywhere I let him use me. Last night I think I had an epiphany of purpose.

While in my previous duty station, I was rather disenchanted things didn't work out to help out with the youth ministry there. I don't think I set for myself how I was to evangelize to my peers. The first several months I was getting used to the atmosphere of alcoholism, partying, and the sort. I think I was primarily concerned with keeping my own faith strong. This was when I started ordering the books and studying more than I had ever done so in my civilian life. I think around Christmas time one of the guys in the barracks asked me to do a bible study with him. I was quiet excited.

After several months of spotty meetings we generally stopped meeting, he was always tired or sleeping and as life went on and people talked I could clearly see no change in his lifestyle. I don't think I was expecting much but when I see the growth and understanding in the Word and then to see him at the barbeque the following weekends, he spoke through his actions how much he really wanted to change. I didn't want to become his little confessional booth he could do as he pleased and then have a little Bible study and be good until the next time we met. The entire experience was a learning one to say in the least.

When our studies ended I didn't really make a pursuit to get something else started as the rest of the unit was preparing to move to Kansas. This was also after a failed attempt to have a lunch time Bible study typically consisting of myself and the two chaplains. In my mind I think since I wasn't actively pursuing a time involving activity I wasn't really doing anything productive for God. As a whole I was unaware of my spiritual usefulness.

This brings me to last night. While pondering my accomplishments of non-work nature it popped into my head how many people I have been talking to all along who either seek me as a guy for advice, being the voice of reason, or spiritual council. It just hit me, I can think of at least 5 or 6 deep discussions with people in the field alone, not to mention who I have talked to online. Although I was not aware of how loud my lifestyle spoke as I reflected it has been more than worth it. So many of the "lifestyle" sacrifices I have made to actively live differently have served their purpose here. I thought these experiences would only be of use when I am youth pastor or something as an example how to stand up against peer pressure and the party lifestyle.

I find blogs of this nature to be awkward at times, I don't write this to get on a pedestal and proclaim a victory as super Christian. I am often reminded of a song my Dad jokingly liked to sing to himself, "It's hard to be humble". We are called to be humble in what we do. Not always an easy thing but something I noticed from one of the spur of the moment conversations about my life, I don't approach life wanting to prove something. The audience found what I was telling them unbelievable, but believed it because of my demeanor. From that conversation with several guys I had an even more in depth time to share my life and beliefs with one of the guys as we washed dishes for several hours.

Aside from the people who were curious why I live so differently, I have been useful to many people who have fallen away from their faith since being in the Army. I am also pondering writing a blog about how much of a ministry opportunity I have found the Army to be, but I was going to be sure to include the dangers as well. I know far more people that came into the Army with a meaningful faith than are in the Army and live a faithful life. When I pondered it more I don't think I realize that I am an encouragement to those around me. Or at least I never really thought of it that way. I have been much concerned with keeping up with my known spiritual gifts and trying to develop my leadership skills that I think I overlooked something that God has been polishing for some time now.

Do I have this awkward feeling of awareness about what I am doing constantly, no not really. I think I am looking through my glasses with a better prescription on life now.

I Think I Am Gonna Like It Here

So this was my first Sunday in Illishiem. So far, I think I will really like it here, thus the title. I got here Friday afternoon and have been warmly received. My squad leader and the way he described the shop is everything I dreamed, namely not being gophers for another section. I actually have an NCOIC which is huge plus. The chapel service was casual, I wouldn't quiet call it contemporary but it is not liturgical. The chapel crowd like the post is small, but it has a nice family feel to it. The feeling around is everyone knows everyone, I like it so far. I met the youth leaders they are really on key and I think I will actually be able to help out in this youth ministry. The gym, oh the gym, it is huge. Doesn't have as many free weights as I would like but they do have much better assortment and at least one of everything, including a good wide grip pull-up bar that I was hoping for.

I talked to the Chaplin about starting a bible study or PMOC (Protestant Men of the Chapel), he told me they were praying for people that would come and take leadership in chapel activities. The support to start and my better understanding of what I can and cannot commit time wise I think this place was an answer to prayers. It is really nice to not be such a newb around here, I know much of the basic operations and much more about how the regular Army works, so I can properly assess what I can commit to. So far I know of one other single soldier in the chapel, good start already. I think I am getting plugged in quickly and very well.

With so much great stuff I can't help but mention the not so greats. Boondocks, easiest way to describe the location, we seem to be roughly 30-45 minutes from everything. I think I will get plenty of driving time logged in being a designated driver. I learned they got back from a deployment at the same time Jonathan got back, so they are not going anywhere in the recent future. It is very likely I will be home for Christmas. The commissary and PX are little larger than the shoppet I have been used to. It is very small; I would say the commissary (grocery store) is about the size of a large 7-11. The PX has little more than the usual hygiene products and home decor.

The best part, my room! Oh this is the best part. Right now I am living in a roughly 11x11 room with 2 other guys in the basement. We each have one wall locker but that does little good for me cause I got so much gear I had to bring over, in addition to my normal stuff. In theory I will be here a week, I'll see how it goes. The rooms I have to look forward are great. Not as nice as the one Jonathan had previously, but not too far from it. They have personal bathrooms; a very large living room with an included kitchenette, there is a well equipped community kitchen as well. I can drink the water on post; this will take some time getting used to. It is really nice to not have to buy all my drinking water. I found out I will need to shell out the cash for ACU's (uniform) that will be around $500, non-refundable. I know I expected this to be an all male unit but it is co-ed. It is a Cavalry unit for another month then we reflagged to something else, I think it is a combat aviation unit. The post layout is long; it is a little bigger than my last post but stretched out so about a 10-15 minute walk to everything.

CYOB

This started as an extended rabbit trail from my Why I support the Iraq war blog. I got worked up and excited about how irritating I find certain liberal points of view in their fairy tale world that they want to make policy.

I am reminded of an interview on Oprah (yea, I get that bored) which she was interviewing the Queen of Jordan. It struck odd when the Queen said the most important thing she wanted to raise her son was, “the idea that we are a world and too look out for everyone”. I am not so callous as to say it is completely stupid and a terrible mindset. I think it is a very happy view to approach the world with, but I do have this question in my mind. If we are always looking out for other nations who is looking after our own nation? Where does the authority over other nations come from?

The best answer in today’s world would either be the European Union or the United Nations. As I recall both are voluntary organizations which truly hold no valid authority over a sovereign nation. As noted with Iraq in 2003, the most the UN can do is ask, and it takes the agreement of the individual nations to take action to enforce agreements made. I have a hard time containing my laughter when people accuse the United States of violating international law; I simply ask to whom did we submit our sovereignty or what law did we break? If the Geneva Convention is the law, it is clear that the United States is practically the only country which actually follows it; it doesn’t count for a pacifist nation to cry about the horrors of war.

I have come to believe the liberal platform of foreign policy does not have the American people in their best interest. It seems in order for any foreign policy to be made they need the reassurance of the UN, NATO, or several other nations as if they have interests for our benefit. This goes with my disdain for the European Union as well. I believe the duty of a national leader is to look out for the people whom reside in the nation they represent and lead.

The introduction of the euro for instance, it has wreaked havoc upon the German economy, so why in their right mind would the leadership approve such an awful thing to their economy? For the good of the world? Well I like to be optimistic and think happy thoughts and all, but when push comes to shove the French government will not look after the Germans, nor the Italians or anyone else in the EU. I know this selfish political ideology is very American, I think it is for this that draws a great divide between European and American mindsets. We are very selfish and we look out for our own interests. Is that such a bad idea? I would like to think the world powers will rush to stop injustice at a moment’s notice simply because it is the “right thing to do”, but then we see events like Darfur…Sadly, when push comes to shove people look after their own interests.

In the spirit of happy thoughts I also wanted to comment on those who claim we no longer need a military, nor maintain military strength as a world power. First, I must say how on Earth does one believe our status as a world power was established? The US arose from the rubble of WWII as the world super-power; it was from our military strength which directly lead to the conclusion of the WWII in the first place. It was from WWII the US got out of the Great Depression. Once we became Top Dog in the world it is through our military's presence and ability that we were able to secure it.

Everyone knows whoever is on the top has the furthest to fall. Top dog also the most people who would like to see them fall from glory too. Though our political and diplomatic methods are greatly valued, I believe it is the ability to topple governments and overwhelm a country with military force which gives backbone to diplomacy. Talk is cheap; if we don't have any bite to backup our bark, then how could we be more than a diplomatic chihuahua?

On the personal level, it is far from the lifestyle I live to intimidate but as a body that represents millions of people and their interests, why would I have any interest in helping another country at such a cost of my own people? I am not opposed entirely to social programs to assist people in hard times, but when there is a way to help there is also a will to slack.
I think for a good portion of my high school days I was closer to a social conservative and a economical liberal, well from the last evaluation’s of where I stand I am almost completely conservative. It is more important to pay off our own debts, get rid of poverty within our own borders, before we spend fair portions of our budget to assist others. This is not to be selfish, but I believe in the long term if we can secure our own economy and stability we can be more helpful to those around. It isn’t too much to ask to be fiscally responsible before we are fiscally generous. For example, the last pie chart I saw noted the federal budget the interest paid on the national debt took up close to 30% to pay off the interest rate! Almost 1/3 of our tax dollars doing nothing but keeping us in the yellow. It is plain to see from any financial perspective that is extremely poor management.

I find it rather interesting with some simple comparative analysis; the liberal political view is very close to modern communism. For example, some points of similarity are universal and government provided healthcare and education. Being a Creationist I have strong objections to what is labeled “science” in the majority of public schools when it comes to the teaching of origins. Although I think many people do benefit from government provided healthcare I think it can be done much better in the public sector. It would be nice if everyone could have healthcare, but it is not a right, if it really was it would be named in the Preamble with the other unalienable rights granted to us.

Here is a thought; if people had to pay for their healthcare would they stop some of their regular destructive habits? I make an attempt to take care of my body because I have seen what can happen if I don't, many people don't think about such decisions on a regular basis. In fact, one sign of a developed nation, deaths from disease are from preventable diseases, verses those who die from unpreventable causes like infections, disease and the sort.

In Acts 5 the early church had a system similar to communism if not a communistic type of community with other Christians. I have heard of modern communities who continue to live in such a way. However, in Acts 6 Ananias and Saphira, two people who expressed their greed within the Christian community. Oh yea they were also the last people in scripture to be directly killed by God. I happen to think communism is a great idea in its purest form, but the only places one can find pure communism working successfully is either in someone's imagination or a book. Like most good-idea social experiments, as long as humans with a sin nature wander the Earth they cannot and will not work. There are many organizations that in their purest of forms are wonderful things, but when you add people we have this certain ability to mess it all up with very little effort.

If real life doesn't teach this I know the Army has certainly taught me this, cover your own butt. When stuff hits the fan make sure you are taken care of. I would like to be able to watch out for people all the time and put myself last but doing so is not in the best interest of my survival. I think this basic tactic should be applied to politics. This life philosophy takes an interesting turn with my theology. After all, how do I look out for number one and at the same time submit my life and desires to God? This is the balance I am learning with my experience here.

I can't tell you how many times I have been told to stand up for myself and not let other walk over me. I do not think people take me for being weak, but I have come across as a pushover. I look at it as making a fuss about trivial matters. Often it is easier and more beneficial, I believe especially to my testimony, to submit and get the job done. The bad part, often those forget what I do believe, forget I hold and do not move. I take stands on important matters. If I honestly believed by me not talking crap, I was a weak person, I would talk back. If I believed taking a few dead arms made me a wuss, I would hit back. I believe when push comes to shove, I can carry out my duty to the best of my ability and with a clear conscience because I do not do it for selfish reasons.

Let The Grass Cutting Begin! An Example of Army Efficiency

So yea this one is more an update of what has been going on because I have been so busy with work and the internet looks to be numbered. So how has this last month been spent? Well as you may see cause I have thought this over too, it really isn't that much. The time efficiency/usage is wasted so often it is rather sad. Let's see here, I believe the first week we took care of tents. Oh yea, we started working from 0730 until about 1900 or later (7pm) and as the working progressed the hours grew. So the deal with the tents we'd pull them out, count them and put them back, day 1. Then we'd start to clean them and put them back again, day 2. Really repetitive work like that, it was a very mentally stimulating week *yawn*. I believe I actually calculated the total man-hours we spent on actually cleaning the tents and it worked out to somewhere around 20 hours per tent. I was not irked about that figure until I was sent to do a tent solo and cleaned it all in about 4 hours. Why it took so much more time? Well that is a fine example of Army efficiency.

The following week we spent washing trucks, the Humvees as civilians call them, and 5 ton trucks, those are basically big flatbed trucks. We had to clean them to get all the dirt off for Custom's guys to okay them for our sterile yard, part of the whole unit move process. What did I learn from that experience? Well pressure washers are really fun but after 4 days straight of using them, they are no longer fun. I also noticed that if there were more appropriate or adequate cleaning areas for each vehicle it would likely have taken half the time we spent on the trucks. That and it is not very easy to punch hole into a HMMWV without a hammer. That was a fun part though, punching holes in the trucks for drainage.

The following week was all about milvans; think really big storage containers the size of a CONEX. This was one of the best parts. We had to pull the stuff out of storage and clean it. Then we would load it into the milvan to make sure it all fits. The next day we'd unload it, lay it out to be checked, and then we'd reload the milvan. There is something about repetitive lifting that made this event somewhat fun. I felt lazy not going to the gym after truck washing but after a day of milvans I felt like I had been to the gym. It is a nice feeling to get work done and feel tired from it; a part of me actually thinks I did something constructive.
The final week and weekend we worked all the way through was the most trying period. Aside from starting at 0630 and going until about 2000 or later it was more truck washing. We were really confused at first cause the Customs people had to re-inspect the vehicles before they were sent to port. We ended up spending 3 really intense days re-washing every vehicle we had. Apparently grease now counted as dirt so we had to keep rewashing the vehicles until they passed. The best part was the standard for a passing vehicles' cleanliness really depended on how the inspector felt. It was really frustrating.

So now we are at the end of the hard part. The next 4 months or more will be spent mowing grass, painting buildings and other important tasks like that. Looking back on the crazy schedule that we had I don't entirely regret it. I did get to test my mental resolve of being motivated. The conversations I had while moving the things and just working together side beside my friends were at times very encouraging and fulfilling. I don't know what is honestly going to happen to me in the coming months. The paperwork for the units that I would have the potential to do something really significant has been submitted but word on the street is that is getting disregarded, more or less. I don't want to really disclose what I have heard as far as "word on the street" accuracy about my recent future. To me it really means nothing substantiated until I have orders in hand. I suppose the best way to say my recent future is that if it takes the course as it is currently foreseen I probably won't be coming home for Christmas...I would much appreciate your prayers that I am able to go to Heidelberg.

Road Trip!

I finally got out of the barracks yesterday for a fun road trip. It was awesome; I went with my boss, her husband, and several of her friends up to the Black Forrest. I thought the Black Forest was an actual individual place which happened to be a forest with black trees. It turned out to be an entire region with some interesting things. The tourist thing I got to see was the World's Largest Cuckoo Clock. Yes, I did take some pictures and got some souvenirs, I don't have the proper programs to re-size them so I can post them somewhere.

I saw many amazing handcrafted cuckoo clocks at several “House of a 1000 Clocks” shops. I tried some Black Forrest Cake, that was tasty, but the Cappuccino Cake I had after that... ohhh that was to die for, it was simply amazing. The European way of cooking and baking is so much better than the states. Americans tend to sugar things beyond the point of oblivion as if we are hummingbirds. European cooking allow the food's natural flavors to reach out. Sometimes it is like a culinary jazz, the taste is not only what is there but also what isn't. There are entire shops, very nicely decorated shops, devoted to cake and coffee. The goodies are of such quality and taste I am glad to stay in this country for another year.
I had a really good time, I hope I can go back sometime because I didn't bring near enough Euros... I am not a huge fan of Ham, but they have this smoked ham... wow is all I have to say. It was so good I felt bad for swallowing it, but at the same time it was soooo smooth, simply marvelous foods. The only bad part was I had to get up at 0630 to get ready, I did sleep most of the way on I think it was about 2.5-3 hours each way. I have still been having lots of trouble sleeping at night the last couple months but I caught up on a lot of sleep this weekend. I can't wait to go on another trip

Last Chance

So today was it, my last chance at passing my physical training (PT) test before the unit moves to Kansas. It was a really big deal. I have been flagged since November which makes a damper on many privileges as well as makes it very difficult to get favorable actions like moving units. In addition, from Dec till the middle of February I was on a remedial PT schedule that was 6 days a week, and was fun for about a month. The rest of the duration was a pain in the hindquarter. Even more, last week a memo came out that those that did not pass this PT test would not receive PCS awards. Permanent Change of Station is when people go to a new post/unit. If you did well at the unit you are leaving you should get a PCS award. I was hoping to get one:

A)   My squad leader has been spending the last 2 weeks writing the recommendations

B)   My dress uniform is rather bare still, so anything that can go on it would be nice.

C)   The awards are worth promotion points when I am trying to get sergeant, but that is not something I have been worry about much at all.

The part that this means the most for me is I can continue to try to go back to the US with my unit. The paths I would have to take to get that accomplished would either be released by the European Command to go with my unit that would love to take me, or re-enlist. The re-enlist part is unlikely because I need 17 months’ time in service to do so, and I am roughly 3 months short, so I'd need some kind of high ranking action done to allow me to re-enlist. If this did not go well, I would have no chance to make an effort to further try to go to a unit other than the one I am currently slated to go to. If I must stay in Germany I want to go to a unit that does what I was trained to do, which aside from being far more stimulating and interesting greatly furthers my possible career paths in the Intelligence community if that happens to be a door that God opens when I get out of here.

I know I have mentioned it several times before about my loneliness here, manly the spiritual isolation from not having any single Christians to fellowship. My lack of transportation doesn't exactly help me to go looking for other Christians beyond the base. The biggest reason I want to go back to the US is that I believe I will be able to find more single Christians than here. The reasoning, in Europe most of the posts are small, they don't have very large forces of people and the posts are all over the place. Every single post in the US has at least several thousand personnel; I think 5-10,000 is a safe estimate for many of the posts across the US. My reasoning, since people that live their lives like me is rather uncommon Army-wide, if I am on a post with several times more people I will have better chances of finding people to fellowship with. I know there are no promises of finding others, but the chances are greatly increased. If I am blessed enough to get to go to Kansas the post is literally across the street from K-State, so at the very least I could check out the Campus Crusade/Navigators campus outreach programs around there. I hope to go to a post that I would not do personnel type of work or go to a post with a larger population that fellowship has better possibilities.

The recent weeks have been very difficult. Two weeks ago was I found out that I could not go home for Easter, which hurt. Last week the list came out for who was going to Kansas, as of now not I. I am slotted to go to a small post near Nuremburg, with a small post comes all the frustrations that I presently have. Playing the odds, it doesn't look to good so far. The semi-regular flow of bad news has really been getting to me. Last week I was really depressed and just had nothing to smile about. It is bad when one cannot smile or even force a fake one until it is real. My light at the end of the tunnel was dimmed and the tunnel got four times longer. It has only been seven months of a two year tour if I stay for the entire time. So far it looks like that's happening. Seven months, as long as that seems it is little more than 1/4 of my time on the other side of the ocean. I don't hold anything against Germany in itself; I have not even been able to properly travel yet. That goes hand in hand with not having someone I can easily hang out with.

Therefore, I think you get the idea about how much this PT test matters. Because of all the extra PT training I was rather confident that I had this run in the bag. The last PT test I was four seconds short on the run, it was 20 degrees and some of the route was icy. Monday I wanted to run the PT route with my pacer, to make sure it was in the bag and there was nothing to worry about. We started the run after a light chest workout at the gym, because well, we both really like doing the bench press. We started going and about 1/2 mile into it we stopped running cause we were going way too slow. The time I needed was 15:54 so for the 1/2 mile mark 4 minutes is acceptable; I think he said we were around 5:30-6 minutes at that mark. We ended up doing sprints a little further and the way back; the whole time when I wasn't gasping for air I was confused how I could be running so slowly. The test run did not set my mind at ease, it did quite the opposite. I didn't do any PT Tuesday, it is standard practice of the Army to not do PT the day before the test, and I made a big effort to take it easy when the day was done. It was another long day which is kind of the curve for the following weeks. I had a light dinner, watched Fantastic 4, and did some reading in John, Romans, & Jude. I really haven't been reading as much as I used to, I need to make a better effort to fix that. I went to bed at nine, an hour early to make sure I was well rested for my 0530 alarms. About the sleep last night... yea, I haven't had one like that since the night before I went to Basic. I am pretty sure I woke up at 10:30, 11:30, 12:15, 1:40, 2:30, 3:30, 4:15, and finally 5:30. The beginning of the night I was able to roll over and go back to sleep but from about the 12:15 mark on I laid awake from a weird dream about details changing or me thinking I took the PT test already and just head twisting things like that, so I didn't sleep too well despite my efforts to sleep well. I got some "sport beans", supposedly energy jelly beans, for the run to try help in any way it could because I was in somewhat of a desperate state all of Tuesday through much of this morning.

At least I was not late to the PT test. Step one was out of the way. I took a protein shake right when I woke up because I usually do perform better with some protein inside me. The push-ups went normal, no problems, I think I might be slowing down but that might just be a lack of competition. The sit-ups went okay, not great by still around 90%. Then the run, I have a certain problem being able to breathe and run at a halfway decent pace. There is something about PT tests that really set my breathing at an off pace. It was a rather nice morning, it was almost sunny couldn't have been colder than 40 degrees which is really warm in recent history. The “go!” went off and the run wasn't going too well. I think the jelly beans were a bad idea, cause they stirred me around the 1/4 mark. I kept gasping for air and Teddy was yelling at me for roughly the whole duration. It wasn't the most painful run I have ever had but it was by no means easy. The last PT test I was at 7:25 at the mile mark and I was still short. I wasn't sure how it was going until I got in range; I was at 7:38 for the halfway point, not terrible but not too good. I was certain although everything inside me was trying to go at max speed that an old lady with a walker could've passed me at my pace. The chaplain was at the last 100 yards to help encourage me to sprint it out, he has been a good source of encouragement for the last couple PT tests. I ran it in and I was certain the numbers I heard counting were 58... 59... and instantly thought NOOOO!!!!!!! Then the next second he said "15:30!" I nearly collapsed, I was so happy and I really was that tired. I suppose this might be a turn for better, I definitely have more hope and can continue to try to go to Kansas. Although my chances are still really low, they are still better than 0.

So Much For Kansas?!

Following the sentiments from Remembering My First Love

I think I have made it more than clear on multiple occasions that I am really spiritually isolated over here and was looking forward to going to Kansas with the rest of my unit. At the beginning it was a letdown because I didn't get much of a chance to explore the lands. I found with the company that surrounds me, I would rather not go explore the surrounding countries with them. They don't want to hit the same sites as myself. In addition the overall spiritual atmosphere or lack thereof has been probably the most continually trying I have ever experienced in my life. As the time passed, I realized I am the only single Christian out of the 280 people in my unit. Due to the overall likelihood that I'd be going to Kansas, I started to accept it.

I talked to people that had been there and found that a major college was very close by. The thought of a very large post in addition to a large college campus, in my mind greatly increases the chances of finding more single Christians. I figured I was most likely to go to Kansas out of everyone in my section because I had been there the longest, I wanted to go, and I thought one of us had to go. Well... two of the three are true.

I got the word from my officer, who can actually talk to the commander about what is really happening, because I still didn't really know if I was staying or going. I was about 80% sure I was going and was happy with that situation. Well as it turns out, I am not slated to leave. The bad part is that it comes from the European Command, so I can't get that changed unless I re-enlist. Something I have learned, if you ever want something that truly benefits you from the Army you have to re-enlist to get it. I got put on a list that gives me a special opportunity to re-enlist without adding my time, since I am supposed to be out by Jan 09, I could sign the paper for 3 yrs and be out in Mar 09 instead, not a high price to pay to go somewhere else.

I anxiously awaited to find out what options were available for me to go, this should’ve been quite a few since everyone needs my job specialty everywhere... I find out from the re-enlistment NCO that I can't re-enlist because I am flagged for PT. That is I have not passed a PT test yet. Oh wait it gets so much better though, because the meeting I had this morning about the re-enlistments, is why I missed the PT test today!!! The last one I missed by 4 seconds, it was 20 degrees outside and just ugly. Wasn't that much better but I know my running has improved that I can confidently say I will pass the next test. So where does that leave me? I don't know. Worst case scenario today was the only day to re-enlist for that deal. Best case scenario I will take and pass a PT test sooner than next month and I can re-enlist and go somewhere else. I am thinking best option and actual chance will be Ft Lewis WA. I guess part of this is to come back and bite me because it is my fault I haven't passed the PT test... Garr this is irritating.

I think a lot of me was in a mode to just keep going until I got to Kansas. The weekly cycle is so routine and hard at the same time. I don't have anything against getting out of my comfort zone as I know I lived most of my life. Basic and AIT were not this hard spiritually. It continually wears on me, not having an active community of support or other Christians to fellowship with on other than Sunday. I don't know how people that only attend church once a week can spiritually survive. It is so harsh and I have little reason to believe it could be much better in any other unit in Europe cause all the units are small everywhere. From what I hear, my chapel is one of the largest in the European Command as far as participants, I think there are about 40-50 regulars.

I hope this trial turns for the better. Perhaps I am approaching this new development with a hard heart because I saw what I wanted and made plans and hopes of something not in my control. Maybe this is a flash to remind me I am not the one in control. I love the people I am around and I know the Gospel has been lived through me at points that they know I am different for God. It hurts to think that I will be in this spiritual situation for so much longer though...

GAR WHY WHY

I think I have made it more than clear on multiple occasions that I am really spiritually isolated over here and was looking forward to going to Kansas with the rest of my unit. At the beginning it was a letdown because I didn't get much of a chance to explore the lands. I found with the company that surrounds me, I would rather not go explore the surrounding countries with them. They don't want to hit the same sites as myself. In addition the overall spiritual atmosphere or lack thereof has been probably the most continually trying I have ever experienced in my life. As the time passed, I realized I am the only single Christian out of the 280 people in my unit. Due to the overall likelihood that I'd be going to Kansas, I started to accept it.

I talked to people that had been there and found that a major college was very close by. The thought of a very large post in addition to a large college campus, in my mind greatly increases the chances of finding more single Christians. I figured I was most likely to go to Kansas out of everyone in my section because I had been there the longest, I wanted to go, and I thought one of us had to go. Well... two of the three are true.

I got the word from my officer, who can actually talk to the commander about what is really happening, because I still didn't really know if I was staying or going. I was about 80% sure I was going and was happy with that situation. Well as it turns out, I am not slated to leave. The bad part is that it comes from the European Command, so I can't get that changed unless I re-enlist. Something I have learned, if you ever want something that truly benefits you from the Army you have to re-enlist to get it. I got put on a list that gives me a special opportunity to re-enlist without adding my time, since I am supposed to be out by Jan 09, I could sign the paper for 3 years and be out in Mar 09 instead, not a high price to pay to go somewhere else.

I anxiously awaited to find out what options were available for me to go, this should’ve been quite a few since everyone needs my job specialty everywhere... I find out from the re-enlistment NCO that I can't re-enlist because I am flagged for PT. That is I have not passed a PT test yet. Oh wait it gets so much better though, because the meeting I had this morning about the re-enlistments, is why I missed the PT test today!!! The last one I missed by 4 seconds, it was 20 degrees outside and just ugly. It wasn't that much better but I know my running has improved that I can confidently say I will pass the next test. So where does that leave me? I don't know. Worst case scenario today was the only day to re-enlist for that deal. Best case scenario I will take and pass a PT test sooner than next month and I can re-enlist and go somewhere else. I am thinking best option and actual chance will be Ft Lewis WA. I guess part of this is to come back and bite me because it is my fault I haven't passed the PT test... Garr this is irritating.

I think a lot of me was in a mode to just keep going until I got to Kansas. The weekly cycle is so routine and hard at the same time. I don't have anything against getting out of my comfort zone as I know I lived most of my life. Basic and AIT were not this hard spiritually. It continually wears on me, not having an active community of support or other Christians to fellowship with on other than Sunday. I don't know how people that only attend church once a week can spiritually survive. It is so harsh and I have little reason to believe it could be much better in any other unit in Europe cause all the units are small everywhere. From what I hear, my chapel is one of the largest in the European Command as far as participants, I think there are about 40-50 regulars.

I hope this trial turns for the better. Perhaps I am approaching this new development with a hard heart because I saw what I wanted and made plans and hopes of something not in my control. Maybe this is a flash to remind me I am not the one in control. I love the people I am around and I know the Gospel has been lived through me at points that they know I am different for God. It hurts to think that I will be in this spiritual situation for so much longer though...

Remembering My First Love

This one hit me as I was pondering the activities and thoughts that encompassed this last weekend. Granted the mood extends a bit further than this last weekend, I dare say a couple weeks to a month. I haven’t been feeling spiritually in touch very much in the recent time period. Not so much hot or cold, but lukewarm.

When I put that description into actual thoughts I appreciated John’s letter to Laodicea so much more, I think have a greater appreciation. I recall listening to a Hume message about the churches in Revelations not too long ago. That is just where I know I have been lacking recently. I have been spending so much time reading books about God and good books at that. I wish I would read more often when I am home. In my scurry to get so much spiritually empowering material to set my mind on I forgot about reading scripture. I am looking back now seeing why I didn’t feel as whole as I had before. It was a really awkward feeling too, because I felt so-so. I don’t like being unable to define where I am lacking. I know when I am on fire and passionate, I know when I sin and I feel departed from the close communion that I had. The recent weeks have been filled with “ehhh”, the understanding and ability to look back on it reminds me how important it is to stay in the word. I made the mistake of thinking the spiritual books would be enough or just mad dashed to keep reading the books that I forgot about the one I have had with me all along.

Reading scripture for me has been a constant on and off struggle since my senior year, before then I don’t think I made that much of an attempt to really read scripture on a daily basis. Somewhere in my “busy” schedule I replace the time spent on something, hopefully good intentioned and get caught up so easily to forget to return to my first love. The bible is clear about what we need to focus on to stay plugged in, why is it so hard for me to follow through?

Why is it that when I am on the right track and feel my strongest I tend to fall so easily and without major incident so often? When on the defensive my guard is up, my head in the right place, once I get confident, my guard goes down and then I am writing another blog about failure. I still remember to never say “never” in a prayer, I am just tired of the cycle.

I treasure the conversations from this weekend on IM that got me pondering about spiritual things. I greatly underestimated the support that you all give me at home; every time I get to talk to you guys about real stuff it really encourages me. I was talking with one of the guys this morning about Kansas again, I am looking forward to it so much, not cause I don’t like Germany, but I am so alone out here. I’ve been whining about being lonely for months, probably cause it is never getting any easier. I will certainly be able to connect with people that have never been plugged into a strong church or at least share experiences, perhaps this is exactly what I was thinking of when I said I wanted to join “to gain life experience”. I hope the trials I have endured will be able to validate what I can say to so many that have left their church home and lost their passion. I hope from what I experienced and with God carrying me through it all I can encourage the college students in Kansas. Oh yea, apparently there is a major college across the street from the post. I hear so many statistics about people that leave their faith when they leave home, hopefully that statistic won’t be as high in Kansas.

Epilogue: Sometime after I wrote this and hoped so genuinely to move with my unit to Kansas, I was informed that I would not be going. I went to a new unit in Germany, it had its own blessings.

What Did I Get Myself Into?

Written 11 November 05

            It was sometime in Advanced Individual Training (AIT) when I decided not drink after I found out I was going to spend two years in Germany, for now it is not while I am in the Army. It is likely to expand to probably the greater portion of my life in not it all. Something I am certainly learning though is this is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. In AIT it was a new experience, just hanging out in an atmosphere where alcohol was synonymous with leisure, I figured people would go a little crazy since it had been about three months without being able to drink or smoke for everyone in my platoon. I figured, “Ehh they just wanted to make up for lost time.” But as the freedom increased, the drinking did not decrease. Many of my peers spent every morsel of their weekend at hotel parties. Is this what everyone is talking about when they refer to the college scene? After all, the demographics are about the same, except we will always get paid on time. It was definitely easier in AIT. I was under age, not that this was a deal breaker but it was an acceptable reason to abstain. I suppose at the time that was my reason for not wanting to drink. Trying to have a social life within my bounds of behavior is proving to be difficult. I have yet to find a group of Christians or another practicing single Christian with which to hang. As I get to know the people in my unit I don't think there are any single male Christians in my company. It seems the majority of the people I would be inclined to hang out with (more mature and see things closer to how I see them) happen to be married.

            Last night I went to the Irish Pub, it was my first bar experience. There was nothing terrible about it, no raging alcoholics; a rather uneventful experience. I am getting used to being in an environment with alcohol and not partaking but for some reason there is a little part of me that wants to try some. I faced similar feelings at Chi-Chi's on Tuesday night also, the margaritas looked tasty. There are a range of people that surround me at these events, almost always someone asks me if I want one and most people make no big deal about not drinking, but others do press on that I take “just a taste”. I’m sure many have started with “just a taste.” I know I am not going to get drunk off of a sip, but that is not the point. My goal is to get through the Army without drinking; to take a sip in my mind would ruin it.

I am feeling the pressure, I have thought “hey, maybe if I just take a sip then they'd stop bugging me and that would be that.” However, that is not how sin always knocks on our doors. I doubt there are many alcoholics who seek out to let it ruin their life. Now don't get confused that I am claiming it is a sin to drink, far from it. After all Christ's first public miracle was creating wine from water, and it was the good stuff. There are even references that note the health benefits to take a drink. At the same time we are instructed not to get drunk. For me I am speaking of James 4:17 in this situation. Sin is not a line dictated exactly through scripture. Because sin is a separation between us and God and our connection to God is a personal one, then the separation is also at the personal level. That is how some things can be sin for some people and some things are not sin for others, at the same time I need to be honest with myself of my daily battles.

Over the last 3 months while people have been offering me and at sometimes nearly forcing alcohol down my throat I have done some thinking as to make a more meaningful reason to why I don't drink and to stay committed to that decision. I think this is one of the best ways of describing how Christians might fit into this world. We are to live our lives differently than those around us. How we live our lives differently is to our own deciding. I think one of the most effective ways of living differently is not taking part in activities that we have every right to take part in. I see my decision of not drinking as something that greatly separates me from the vast majority of those around me. By sacrificing this small and unused area in my life to God, that it will become much more than I see it as now.

I am of legal age both in Germany and in the US, there are no cultural qualms against the use of alcohol as something unusual or odd, in fact it is rather norm. In the US we have hotdogs and burgers, Germany has beer and bratwurst, it is a very normal thing to drink. So with every right to take part in this aspect of life and even a way to better fit in to the culture, I should take part in drinking, but I think it is just those same reasons that makes my sacrifice all the more useful for God to use. I suppose in the scheme of things there are also such reasons as it is not healthy, it is expensive, and it doesn't taste good, I know I have used those at some time or another but to treat this as a spiritual act of worship, puts its importance to stay faithful so much higher than any secular reason. Since I have laid this down before God, to me, if I do take a drink it would be a sin. I felt compelled to write this for two reasons, because it is getting harder to continue to say "no" and I am asking for your prayers to keep me strong and true to my decisions. It is also something of value to let you all know how I am really doing.

Epilogue: I took my first drink as a promise to a good friend in Germany, that if we encountered one another after the Army I would have my first drink with him. God did reunite us in the most evident ways, that should probably be a blog for its own time.