This one hit me as I was pondering the activities and thoughts that encompassed this last weekend. Granted the mood extends a bit further than this last weekend, I dare say a couple weeks to a month. I haven’t been feeling spiritually in touch very much in the recent time period. Not so much hot or cold, but lukewarm.
When I put that description into actual thoughts I appreciated John’s letter to Laodicea so much more, I think have a greater appreciation. I recall listening to a Hume message about the churches in Revelations not too long ago. That is just where I know I have been lacking recently. I have been spending so much time reading books about God and good books at that. I wish I would read more often when I am home. In my scurry to get so much spiritually empowering material to set my mind on I forgot about reading scripture. I am looking back now seeing why I didn’t feel as whole as I had before. It was a really awkward feeling too, because I felt so-so. I don’t like being unable to define where I am lacking. I know when I am on fire and passionate, I know when I sin and I feel departed from the close communion that I had. The recent weeks have been filled with “ehhh”, the understanding and ability to look back on it reminds me how important it is to stay in the word. I made the mistake of thinking the spiritual books would be enough or just mad dashed to keep reading the books that I forgot about the one I have had with me all along.
Reading scripture for me has been a constant on and off struggle since my senior year, before then I don’t think I made that much of an attempt to really read scripture on a daily basis. Somewhere in my “busy” schedule I replace the time spent on something, hopefully good intentioned and get caught up so easily to forget to return to my first love. The bible is clear about what we need to focus on to stay plugged in, why is it so hard for me to follow through?
Why is it that when I am on the right track and feel my strongest I tend to fall so easily and without major incident so often? When on the defensive my guard is up, my head in the right place, once I get confident, my guard goes down and then I am writing another blog about failure. I still remember to never say “never” in a prayer, I am just tired of the cycle.
I treasure the conversations from this weekend on IM that got me pondering about spiritual things. I greatly underestimated the support that you all give me at home; every time I get to talk to you guys about real stuff it really encourages me. I was talking with one of the guys this morning about Kansas again, I am looking forward to it so much, not cause I don’t like Germany, but I am so alone out here. I’ve been whining about being lonely for months, probably cause it is never getting any easier. I will certainly be able to connect with people that have never been plugged into a strong church or at least share experiences, perhaps this is exactly what I was thinking of when I said I wanted to join “to gain life experience”. I hope the trials I have endured will be able to validate what I can say to so many that have left their church home and lost their passion. I hope from what I experienced and with God carrying me through it all I can encourage the college students in Kansas. Oh yea, apparently there is a major college across the street from the post. I hear so many statistics about people that leave their faith when they leave home, hopefully that statistic won’t be as high in Kansas.
Epilogue: Sometime after I wrote this and hoped so genuinely to move with my unit to Kansas, I was informed that I would not be going. I went to a new unit in Germany, it had its own blessings.
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