Solitude: A Narrative

March 2005

The tension builds as our Drill Sergeants demonstrate to us the proper wear of the beret. This is the award a soldier received in the completion of Basic Combat Training. Our commander runs through the drill and ceremony command of “Don berets!” and the National Anthem is played. I remember Jonathan mentioning that after Basic he found it odd that tears flowed at the sound of the tune. I understood that sentiment, I too had a couple tears fall. The anthem did not mean anything more or less, only the understanding of sacrifice deepened. There is also a sense of joy, those who have served in the past, I now get to join their ranks as a brother in arms.

For the last week or so, we knew Family Day was coming. Basic is all but over, we have qualified in our soldering tasks, completed our final field training exercises, the hard part was more than over. We were excited to be finished, to be Soldiers. Much of that week was spent preparing our nearly bare dress uniforms which would be the final mark that we were indeed soldiers. There were logistical details from our Drill Sergeants being forwarded on a regular basis. That week the most soldierly thing we did was clean our weapons to excess. I don’t really recall what we talked about other than respective girlfriends or missed food and alcohol. I longed to eat better food but I had neither a girlfriend nor a preferred drink to miss, it was still  few months before I hit 21. There was an unspoken excitement, particularly among the National Guardsmen and Reservists. After these eight weeks they would go home to their families, it made sense they would be present for the graduation. Us, active duty, we would simply get on the bus and head to our next training site. It was not until the day of, that we learned we would take a non-stop bus from Fort Leonard Wood Missouri to Huachuca Arizona. It turned out we were graduating during Spring Break and plane tickets were too difficult to acquire, or that was what our Drill SGTs relayed to us. I preferred that idea more, that meant more freedom, as we would have a new complement of Drill SGTs to greet us. I would take a 30-hour bus ride over a 3 hour flight any day of the week under those conditions.

I wanted to shrug it all off as my comrades were excited to be greeted by family at graduation. It was an easy calculation, between the flight and hotel, it would be wholly impractical to want anyone to come watch my graduation. California was a long way from Missouri, the roads were unclear. Could mom even navigate to find where on base we would be? All this for a few hours of family time before we board the bus for our next evolution of training. It isn’t worth it, it can’t be. So I convince Mom that I didn’t want her to bother with going to graduation. This is what it means to be a soldier right? Think of the practical choices more than what would be nice. I have endured plenty of difficult things, this is just another thing to shrug off…Besides, this next bit of training is only a few more months before I get leave between my final duty station. By then I’ll even have some leave saved up so I won’t have to go broke to be home. I’ve barely been gone two months, I need to prepare to be gone for years. That is what Iraq will have for me.

December 2005

My first Christmas away from home. Most of the unit is gone on block leave, there might be ¼ of us left here, more or less going through the motions. I am in Germany after all. I get to see snow and with most of the unit gone, the days will be really relaxed, and they were. I had just been home in August, it didn’t make sense to go home after only a 3 months away, plus have you seen the price of the plane tickets? Way not worth it, I’ll just go home next year…

February 2009

The last 48 hours are kind of surreal, the same kind like when we took our first steps in Kuwait and the bright sun shone in our faces with a biting brilliance never before experienced. We are all exhausted. Between the 30+ hours of flying, waiting in the ever so cushy “Freedom Zone” between Customs and our flight back towards civilization, everything in me is just gone. We are finally offloading the plane back at Fort Hood. I see the Division Band, but between the keeping in step and not wanting to fall down the flight stairs I’ll just look onward. I’m glad the band got to go home early, we were all tired. It was too bad they have to do all these “welcome home” gigs. I have no idea what I’ll be doing for the next weeks or months, but I know it wouldn’t be much.

We get on the buses and I’m trying to recognize where we were. I didn’t travel around Texas much. I was with the unit only a couple months before we deployed and I didn’t own a car. Beyond the main streets of the base, I’m lost. I think we had a police escort on the way back to base, that was a nice gesture. As the buses pull up and I look for other single friends who will be just as bored after this I am unsuccessful. I was one of the lucky ones to get back with the first group as the unit demobilized. It would take a week or so before the whole unit gets back, even then people will go on leave almost immediately. I will have two, maybe three weeks of absolute chill, but since I’m not taking leave just yet, it will be paid vacation!

The buses pull up to Division Headquarters, finally somewhere familiar. We unload from the bus, leave our bags, and instructed to get in formation. Oh, right there will be a “welcome back speech” cause the Army loovess ceremonies. I just want a shower and a real bed. We form up all nice and pretty, thank goodness we are outside. It is hot and none of us have showered in at least 30 hours, possibly 48. I wish I remembered to bring more baby wipes for the trip back. As we get the instructions from the Sergeant in charge we are going to have a “move that bus” kind of reveal because Extreme Home Makeover is all the rage and our loved ones are waiting to see us. Well, everyone else’s loved ones. I didn’t want Mom to get lost travelling again. Finances are always tight, I’ll be home soon anyways, this time for good (or so I thought). I’ve been alone this whole time, this is nothing.

“Dis-missed!” Oh, thank goodness the speech was short. That is a man that knows his soldiers! As we walk across the parade field, the formation now broken, families run for each other. It is worth noting, when everyone is wearing a uniform it is really hard to spot anyone individually. I see young couples express their joy. Fathers hug their children. This is a beautiful sight to see. Wait, did that guy just kiss a bottle of Johnnie Walker? I guess his wife really knows him… I get off the parade field and look for the bus with my dufflebag. I’ll be living out this until my belongs get out of storage, that might take a week or two. I need to find where I’ll be living. Good for everyone else, but I’ll celebrate when I get home…

“Joe!!!” Did someone call my name? Who here knows me by my first name? Oh! It is Max and Tiff! Good thing I have friends in the band. I tell them the situation and Max says he’ll pick me up after I get settled in my new barracks room. It is still the late morning, we are going to hit the town! This is a particular gift, I wasn’t expecting anyone to do anything for me. Here are some friends AND they want to spend the day with me. It is going to be a good day.

The Prayer I Am Afraid to Pray

Before I dive into my semi-rant/ melancholy diatribe which is what prompted me to start writing; I think it is best to start with the good news. The last two months have been among the best I have had in the last 4 years. Never in my military career have I had such a strong, regular fellowship with a body of Believers. About two months ago, I learned of a small bible study composed of several guys in my unit. After myself and another passionate brother joined the study has exploded. I am in constant awe of the people that continue to join, the progress we can see God works each week, and the constant phileo we share.

The blessings continue in more than just the Sunday night Bible study. Since most of us work nearby I see many of my brothers on a daily basis. We speak often of how we can teach something new or what has been on our hearts. The explosion is not limited to just the Sunday attendance, outreach and the aura of the Spirit has filled the building when we are nearby. The Holy Spirit’s presence is nearby and constantly blessing us. Out of my heart’s response to such stimulation I think that is why I have been on a frenzy of reading, studying, and abstaining from video games for going on 3 months. Few of you can appreciate how big of an accomplishment it is to willingly abstain from games for so long.

We continue to bless each other, be it a Christian Song of the Day email and our discussions of kingdom things via email. I have also gotten the idea to bring my archives of North Coast Sermons, which I have been archiving for the past 3 years, to work. All of a sudden 140 messages looks kind of small when I am going through 3-5 per day. I didn’t want to scare anyone that I am in an overall mode of distress/frustration with such a piercingly honest title. In fact, it is just the opposite; I am cradled in the spirit and surrounded by God’s presence.

From my better approximations I am about 6 months away from being a civilian again. The Light at the End of the Tunnel brightens each week as we get closer to returning home. I look forward to my return back to the States as just a prelude to grander celebration. There are still many prayers to be done concerning the exact transition and dates which are needed to allow me to return to Hume for summer ’09 and the rest of my civilian transition. There are not many ways to compare the anticipation to leave the Army. I am proud of the service I have given. I also await anxiously to practice the liberties I have served to protect. I will forever be grateful of the things I have experienced, the lessons I learned, and people I have met while serving my country.

I guess to truly see where my angst is rooted I must return to Sept of '05, when I was contemplating my enlistment. I knew what I wanted to accomplish in life with almost the same clarity as I do now. The means to accomplish those goals were what I needed the Army to assist me. I was 20 years old, at a bit of a crossroads in my life, one which offered me a new start at a local seminary with little to no means of financing those goals and the realistic notion that a 22 year old seminary trained individual would not find a serious ministry to lead in a properly discerning church. My singleness was a major factor of my personal identity. I wanted to be the “Nice Guy”, I didn’t fear the “Friends Zone.” I knew at that time, just as I did in high school, I wanted a wife, not a girlfriend.

As part of my personal conditions for enlisting I knew I would remain single throughout my Army career. I viewed the soon to be Army life as a spiritual battleground which I needed to use to sharpen my faith, knowledge, and life experience. I suppose that was one of the reasons I refused to enlist for more than 4 years. Within my first year I was reassured of my decision and rather certain the type of woman I seek to be my wife would not be found in the Army. Throughout the training period, there were many high school sweethearts and long time girlfriends which either sent a Dear John Letter or got a ring when they and their soldier faced re-location or long term geographic separation.

While my financial status is substantially better than most people of my age, I see it just the opposite for the married enlisted soldier. There have been few couples I know of who do not have to live month-to-month to get by. The finances of most soldiers puts a significant stranglehold on many families. I saw it better to delay my own family then put them through such potential hardship. Even more, I expect, as most soldiers are instructed to expect, upon our transition back to civilian life, we should have several months worth of expenses saved because it will take time to get a job. I have no problem living off of my savings, but when others depend upon me, I cannot afford such a risk. I think the obligation to family, uncertainty of the jobs on the outside, and short leash of financial balance is what prompts many mid-grade individuals into going the full 20 years for retirement.

So here I am, 24 years old and months away from rejoining the civilian populace. I don’t know if it is envy, impatience or a combination of both which have been stirring in me more noticeably in the recent years, but I am tired of being single. To say been there and done that would be an understatement. The frustration started to peek its head through when I wrote the Joy of Being Single Pt I & II. Those were written at a time when I knew there were still years of singleness left and I ought to find valid lessons from that season. On many levels I wish time could have frozen while I have been in Iraq, Germany and everywhere else. I estimate I’ve missed somewhere in the neighborhood of 30+ weddings of friends since I left. I suppose that is one of the sacrifices I should’ve paid greater attention.

What are the proper answers to my frustrations? Pray for patience. Pray for Strength. Rely on Christ’s strength to get me through; all the while not being too anxious to dive headlong into a relationship which I would not have done while I served. But that is just it; I don’t want to pray for more patience. Not because I don’t want to be patient anymore, but because such a prayer might be granted. One of my favorite sayings and a true lesson for me is “Pray for patience and God will send you a jerk.” It is through the jerk, the opportunity to learn patience on a deeper level is more apparent. The answers to those prayers are exactly the answers I don’t want. I know I ought to persevere, for the sake of my marriage I hope I do. The anticipation is frustratingly close. Am I not satisfied from Christ? I think I am. It is also difficult because as I look to Genesis, if God was all man needed why was Eve created? Creation was good, Man was good; but Man and Woman in Creation were ma'od. I long to know that goodness.

I don’t know if I want any words of encouragement from this, I just wanted to let you inside my head.

Epilogue: Reading this 8 years later I have had a sensible chuckle. Oh grasshopper little did you know the places God would take you. I’m still single, Jesus is still enough. Some days I recognize that better than others.

Back To Basics pt. I - Why Do I Beleive

I was lying in bed last night restless from thought; I was pondering what I should write about. My recent writings based on magazine articles have left feeling like I have been getting unattached and rather impersonal. I do enjoy doing such writing, but I want to remember my primary reason for writing. To share what God has been teaching me. I never laid out down much of a foundation of the whats and whys of my beliefs.

Why do I believe? A rather unspecific question in itself. I recall the first time I was ever asked that. I was at Hume my sophomore year. I don't know why I was asked or for what purpose but I was asked, "Why do I believe in Christ?" The best answer I could come up with on the spot was, "because I know I am sinful and I know I need forgiveness." I am convinced if anyone is honest with themselves they can come to the same conclusion. That moment was almost six years ago, upon further analysis there is not a more simplistic answer I think to answer the same question.

One of my initial objectives for this topic was to try to prevent people from foolishly saying I am a Christian "because that is what I was raised with". I have no doubt my upbringing a great deal to do with who I am but why I am the way I chose, is because that is what I want. I would say until my junior or senior year, when people asked how long I had been a Christian I would usually refer to a prayer I said at the dinner table when I was four. Not that I disregard that moment, after all I still remember it today, but I don't think that was any momentous turning point in my life at that point. When people ask me today when I became a Christian it was at Hume my freshmen year. I was in a kayak watching some of friends getting baptized. There was something different about that moment that I think I was finally honest with myself with what it meant to be a Christian. I knew all through jr. high I was holding back a little bit, whether I was actually "saved" from the dinner table prayer I said so many years ago I don't know, nor have put much thought into it. Guessing over past states of faith like that seems rather frivolous. I suppose the best way to phrase what happened at Hume was I realized God wanted me, personally.

Years following my personal spiritual development have lead to a much grander picture of why I believe. I think it was that same year at Hume I was introduced to apologetics. The main pursuit of apologetics is to reconcile reason with faith. Not to say that faith is contrary to reason, but generations of "enlightenment" philosophy and science has hailed faith to be separate if not incompatible from reason and logic. I personally love apologetics so much because I am able to know why I believe through logic which reinforces what I know to be true in my heart. In addition to apologetics my thirst for understanding has lead me to study just about any secular topic that might impact our faith. Be it the origins of the universe in understanding the Genesis creation or microbiology to show how complex we were made from God's breath. 1 Peter 3:8-17 has been my motto to live by. From where I stand now, I know my faith to be true by: personal experience, philosophy, history, biology, chemistry, and psychology. The list of olgy's is growing and getting more in depth with every book I read.

I recall a tidbit I heard on the radio some years ago. I think it was Chuck Colson speaking. He said something along the lines that even if he chose to live a completely selfish life he would still arrive at the conclusion to be a Christian. He would arrive there simply by logically comparing the pro's and con's of what God asks of us in return for what we get. The offer God has presented to us is enough that through reason we can know his existence, our purpose and who God is. The funny thing is so popular today in any discussion of Christianity and logic mixing the common perception is that one must sacrifice some logic for some faith or vice versa. The easiest response to why so many highly educated people proclaim to deny God has come to light on several occasions that the primary reason for disbelief is desire. A common mindset, the more independent one strives to be, the more alien it seems to spend it selflessly living for God. I suppose from the military stand point we can appreciate that a little bit. Freedom we had as civilians is a weak comparison to the freedom from sin. One of the major apparent differences is every person knows when they are in the military and most people are blind or in denial that they are chained by sin.

I know anyone can read the same books I have read and see where I am coming from to see how I know the empirical facts about Christianity are true. The most important part about why I believe is based on my personal experience with God. This is where many people tend to claim that they are spiritual and sense God in and around them. Often it is more of a pantheistic god in nature or spirit of earth mixed with an idea of God. I cannot discount those claims as legitimate experiences except by what they are lead to do or how it guides them, I might be able to point out that the "spirit" is certainly not the God of the Bible. I say this so there is no confusion when I claim I have heard God, that it is not muddled as my unique form of spirituality that speaks to me in my own little world. I have found with my own experiences and examples of scripture that when God speaks to someone it will radically shape them.

I am convinced that God has spoken to me first because what he told me was not what I wanted to hear but consistent with what I should do and second because it was such a direct answer to a present situation. I remember when I contemplating being called into the Army, I was waiting for "the call". At that point I looked into scripture to see what kind of examples there were of the Holy Spirit's leading. Much to my surprise the instances in which individuals were called by the Holy Spirit was in relation to an immediate and specific event. As influential as those two instances in my life were presently they are reference points. When I draw near to the spirit it is a daily meeting that I know he is near.

My Place In This Place

So last night as I was listening to Lifesong to go to sleep to I was pondering/reflecting what I have done I have been in the Army. I was thinking in more consideration of how I have been living than what the work has had to offer. One of the thoughts which came to me I found rather soothing and satisfying.

I remember in the weeks leading up to me signing the papers I was talking to several important people in my life concerning my worries and reservations about the decision that was to follow. I think I got a deeper understanding of how God's will works and presents itself. One of those dreading questions over my head “was it more my will to join than any pulling of the Holy Spirit for me to join?” From that point I was satisfied God will use me anywhere I let him use me. Last night I think I had an epiphany of purpose.

While in my previous duty station, I was rather disenchanted things didn't work out to help out with the youth ministry there. I don't think I set for myself how I was to evangelize to my peers. The first several months I was getting used to the atmosphere of alcoholism, partying, and the sort. I think I was primarily concerned with keeping my own faith strong. This was when I started ordering the books and studying more than I had ever done so in my civilian life. I think around Christmas time one of the guys in the barracks asked me to do a bible study with him. I was quiet excited.

After several months of spotty meetings we generally stopped meeting, he was always tired or sleeping and as life went on and people talked I could clearly see no change in his lifestyle. I don't think I was expecting much but when I see the growth and understanding in the Word and then to see him at the barbeque the following weekends, he spoke through his actions how much he really wanted to change. I didn't want to become his little confessional booth he could do as he pleased and then have a little Bible study and be good until the next time we met. The entire experience was a learning one to say in the least.

When our studies ended I didn't really make a pursuit to get something else started as the rest of the unit was preparing to move to Kansas. This was also after a failed attempt to have a lunch time Bible study typically consisting of myself and the two chaplains. In my mind I think since I wasn't actively pursuing a time involving activity I wasn't really doing anything productive for God. As a whole I was unaware of my spiritual usefulness.

This brings me to last night. While pondering my accomplishments of non-work nature it popped into my head how many people I have been talking to all along who either seek me as a guy for advice, being the voice of reason, or spiritual council. It just hit me, I can think of at least 5 or 6 deep discussions with people in the field alone, not to mention who I have talked to online. Although I was not aware of how loud my lifestyle spoke as I reflected it has been more than worth it. So many of the "lifestyle" sacrifices I have made to actively live differently have served their purpose here. I thought these experiences would only be of use when I am youth pastor or something as an example how to stand up against peer pressure and the party lifestyle.

I find blogs of this nature to be awkward at times, I don't write this to get on a pedestal and proclaim a victory as super Christian. I am often reminded of a song my Dad jokingly liked to sing to himself, "It's hard to be humble". We are called to be humble in what we do. Not always an easy thing but something I noticed from one of the spur of the moment conversations about my life, I don't approach life wanting to prove something. The audience found what I was telling them unbelievable, but believed it because of my demeanor. From that conversation with several guys I had an even more in depth time to share my life and beliefs with one of the guys as we washed dishes for several hours.

Aside from the people who were curious why I live so differently, I have been useful to many people who have fallen away from their faith since being in the Army. I am also pondering writing a blog about how much of a ministry opportunity I have found the Army to be, but I was going to be sure to include the dangers as well. I know far more people that came into the Army with a meaningful faith than are in the Army and live a faithful life. When I pondered it more I don't think I realize that I am an encouragement to those around me. Or at least I never really thought of it that way. I have been much concerned with keeping up with my known spiritual gifts and trying to develop my leadership skills that I think I overlooked something that God has been polishing for some time now.

Do I have this awkward feeling of awareness about what I am doing constantly, no not really. I think I am looking through my glasses with a better prescription on life now.

The Single Guy

This one is definitely thinking aloud. I wouldn't quiet say this is a rant but ponderous thoughts instead. Contributing factors which have lead me to the thoughts of this developing blog are: the Tuesday night Bible study in which we are now studying Song of Solomon, Dating, or lack thereof, a recent conversation/story I was listening to yesterday, and my overall thought process on the issue over the past year.

I would say at this point I am a professional single guy. I am very used to all the luxuries it includes: my free time is all to myself, I have no obligations in my personal or emotional life to another person, and I can focus on whatever my happy heart desires. At this point though I think I understand Genesis 2:18, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." a bit better than I have in the previous years of my life. Wait a minute? Did I just portray the life of a bachelor in a negative light? Taking the context into account I think this encompasses both our spiritual, emotional and personal life. What do I mean by that? I have known very clearly since I joined the Army that our spiritual lives are meant to be lived in community with each other, something my heart continues to long for.

I have had and still have a small community but once again I am perhaps the lone single soldier who attends the chapel services at my own free will. Living in the barracks has its own perils to one's faith if I want to belong. Based on my blog habits, which I believe are so frequent because I lack people around me who I can vent and talk with. So I use this outlet, my personal life wants to be able to share the deeper moments of my heart with someone. I believe it to be incredibly difficult to live out a powerful life for God without people to surround and recharge you when you need it. Community is so vastly important in our faith I cannot stress its importance any less.

As much fun as I have had with the joking feel of singing like Donkey on Shrek, "I'm so alone" which I do tend to sing at moments of opportunity, I often do feel so alone. Standing back and analyzing my singleness I am at the place in my life that I definitely am tired of being single. There are some pitfalls with this facet of my life being unsatisfied though. Before I start to divulge them all, I think there is a precursor to them lying within me. With the utmost uncertainty I think if I was back in the states I would probably be in a similar social situation, being single. Something Jonathan mentioned to me was I still have a lot to learn when it comes to dating and relationships, I don't doubt it.

I think this realization really hit me while I was sitting in on a conversation of reference. The speaker was talking about how he basically got a girlfriend that he has only talked to by phone and internet. The thing I found most profound was when he was complimenting her about how great of a girl she was and that if he was her boyfriend he would find himself to be very lucky. The first instant thought in my mind was "whoa, now that's some brownie points", but upon further ponderance I don't know if I could be that forward to someone to initiate the more than friends relationship. My goal for so long has been to be "the Friend", and I have always been so comfortable at that point in my friendships I rarely have ever wanted to carry it any further. Now, I sit in reflection and questioning myself, could I move past the friend zone?

Often in my thoughts and imagination of my future relationship with my wife or fiancé (whenever it may happen) I usually glaze over how I went from being the friend to actually having the significant other. The bigger implication I pose to myself, “what kind of spiritual leader would this make me when I haven't the daringness to attempt to initiate more than friendship?” Being friends is a wonderful thing. You can count on friends, hang out with them, and talk about anything you are willing to talk about. The only limits to how far a friendship goes are to how far the two want to take it. Well, the physical part kind of goes without saying. Beyond the line of physical behavior, what are the emotional and spiritual lines?

Something I found interesting which I profoundly disagreed with was advice in The 10 Commandments of Dating; it suggested not to pray together because it can rush a relationship into a more intimate position and speed than what the authors believe is safe. In the context of praying together while alone, yes, there is room for temptation amplified through the spiritual intimacy experienced. Therefore, praying together ought to be done in public. Praying for one another and together is one of the best friend building excercises that can be done. It is not just anyone who would pray for you or with you with a true heart.

When I recall my friendships, sometimes I think the only line that needed to be crossed from friend to a possible romantic relationship would have been to talk about it and see where we were and how we felt about each other as that kind of relationship. But… I have never taken that step. As I mentioned in my dating blog, I find people are entirely too fast and forward in the physicality of relationships. For this reason and because I know myself and my own weaknesses I hope my first kiss will be either after I propose or after I say "I do". Oh yea, I suppose I haven't mentioned that to very many people. Yea… I've never been kissed or anything close. How this applies into my future or possible dating life, it throws an interesting curve, because the factor so often used to determine a couple is “a thing” is such forms of affection. By my own desires I have put it off till much further in the relationship.

What inspired this form of dating ideology was a talk I heard at Hume in 03' by Steve Solomon. I can email it to anyone if you are interested to hear it. I think it puts the bar for men to be spiritual leaders and men of integrity much higher than society can even contemplate. While putting the bar up and burden on me to express my feelings in a way which excludes physical intimacy, it also adds a knot into how do I initiate the relationship to the more than friends level. These details I have no idea how to go about. I suppose there would be dates, and activities. I think I’ll figure it out as I go. Well, not really, for the really good ones I can learn all I need to know by watching some chick flicks. Truth be told, the reason guys can't stand chick flicks is because it makes regular guys look so pathetic. I don't know many guys who can build a telescope or buy a star... Perhaps that is why I like Hitch so much, because it is for the normal guys.

Back to my over-analysis of my dissatisfaction and predicaments of the thing called dating. The most difficult part of the relationship is the maintaining and growing part. After all how much more to it is there? There is spending time together, sharing, doing things, and enjoying being around each other. I think at a certain point one of two things happen, you either get married or break up. This model is with the successful relationship, I kind of glossed over the fights, arguments, and disagreements. Those will happen but it is what they are about and how they are dealt with which contributes to the overall success of the relationship. Actually, for many relationships to get through the fights is one of the most defining aspects to show how important it really is. Talking to friends that for some reason ask me for relationship advice on occasion, I think one of the simplest ways to have a working and good relationship is to treat the person as friends treat each other. So often the issues brought up seem to get convoluted in my friends' minds because their emotions are out of control. My objective outlook allows me to be able to look at their situations and talk it out without being emotionally involved. Essentially working out friend’s relationship problems has taught me the most about relationships directly. I am curious how it will hit me when I am no longer emotionally absent from the issue.

Now that I have expelled the internal issues to me not dating or getting into a relationship there are additional factors as to why I believe I remain in this state of singleness until I get out of the Army. I when I enlisted I knew I would likely not get into a relationship; at that point it didn't seem like such a big deal. At this point, it is bittersweet. To halt my loneliness I have thought of trying to find someone in the local area, but it is quickly snuffed by the realization that I will not remain in this country for more than a year. Where I go in a year it is one of three places, based on my occupation I think you all can guess aside from the States where the other two locations may be.

The environments I have found myself in definitely has a shortage of Christians. By Christians I mean to express those that take their faith seriously enough to practice it despite their surroundings. I have yet to find a single Christian female since I have left the states, which definitely puts a hindrance to starting a relationship. I do not think it is a good idea to attempt more than friendship with someone in the states. Long distance friendships can work, but not that kind I think. It hit me after I read 10 Commandments of Dating, that I am not really looking for someone to date, but a serious relationship dare I say wife. I think that explains much about how I have approached social interaction and relationships thus far. I don't think I was ever looking for a girlfriend; I have always been looking for a wife. I think great friendships can be made anywhere, more than that though requires meeting in person. So I find myself in my current state of singleness by lack of options. I am not really stressing too much expecting to not find someone for this period of time, and so I am the single guy.

So Much For Kansas?!

Following the sentiments from Remembering My First Love

I think I have made it more than clear on multiple occasions that I am really spiritually isolated over here and was looking forward to going to Kansas with the rest of my unit. At the beginning it was a letdown because I didn't get much of a chance to explore the lands. I found with the company that surrounds me, I would rather not go explore the surrounding countries with them. They don't want to hit the same sites as myself. In addition the overall spiritual atmosphere or lack thereof has been probably the most continually trying I have ever experienced in my life. As the time passed, I realized I am the only single Christian out of the 280 people in my unit. Due to the overall likelihood that I'd be going to Kansas, I started to accept it.

I talked to people that had been there and found that a major college was very close by. The thought of a very large post in addition to a large college campus, in my mind greatly increases the chances of finding more single Christians. I figured I was most likely to go to Kansas out of everyone in my section because I had been there the longest, I wanted to go, and I thought one of us had to go. Well... two of the three are true.

I got the word from my officer, who can actually talk to the commander about what is really happening, because I still didn't really know if I was staying or going. I was about 80% sure I was going and was happy with that situation. Well as it turns out, I am not slated to leave. The bad part is that it comes from the European Command, so I can't get that changed unless I re-enlist. Something I have learned, if you ever want something that truly benefits you from the Army you have to re-enlist to get it. I got put on a list that gives me a special opportunity to re-enlist without adding my time, since I am supposed to be out by Jan 09, I could sign the paper for 3 yrs and be out in Mar 09 instead, not a high price to pay to go somewhere else.

I anxiously awaited to find out what options were available for me to go, this should’ve been quite a few since everyone needs my job specialty everywhere... I find out from the re-enlistment NCO that I can't re-enlist because I am flagged for PT. That is I have not passed a PT test yet. Oh wait it gets so much better though, because the meeting I had this morning about the re-enlistments, is why I missed the PT test today!!! The last one I missed by 4 seconds, it was 20 degrees outside and just ugly. Wasn't that much better but I know my running has improved that I can confidently say I will pass the next test. So where does that leave me? I don't know. Worst case scenario today was the only day to re-enlist for that deal. Best case scenario I will take and pass a PT test sooner than next month and I can re-enlist and go somewhere else. I am thinking best option and actual chance will be Ft Lewis WA. I guess part of this is to come back and bite me because it is my fault I haven't passed the PT test... Garr this is irritating.

I think a lot of me was in a mode to just keep going until I got to Kansas. The weekly cycle is so routine and hard at the same time. I don't have anything against getting out of my comfort zone as I know I lived most of my life. Basic and AIT were not this hard spiritually. It continually wears on me, not having an active community of support or other Christians to fellowship with on other than Sunday. I don't know how people that only attend church once a week can spiritually survive. It is so harsh and I have little reason to believe it could be much better in any other unit in Europe cause all the units are small everywhere. From what I hear, my chapel is one of the largest in the European Command as far as participants, I think there are about 40-50 regulars.

I hope this trial turns for the better. Perhaps I am approaching this new development with a hard heart because I saw what I wanted and made plans and hopes of something not in my control. Maybe this is a flash to remind me I am not the one in control. I love the people I am around and I know the Gospel has been lived through me at points that they know I am different for God. It hurts to think that I will be in this spiritual situation for so much longer though...

GAR WHY WHY

I think I have made it more than clear on multiple occasions that I am really spiritually isolated over here and was looking forward to going to Kansas with the rest of my unit. At the beginning it was a letdown because I didn't get much of a chance to explore the lands. I found with the company that surrounds me, I would rather not go explore the surrounding countries with them. They don't want to hit the same sites as myself. In addition the overall spiritual atmosphere or lack thereof has been probably the most continually trying I have ever experienced in my life. As the time passed, I realized I am the only single Christian out of the 280 people in my unit. Due to the overall likelihood that I'd be going to Kansas, I started to accept it.

I talked to people that had been there and found that a major college was very close by. The thought of a very large post in addition to a large college campus, in my mind greatly increases the chances of finding more single Christians. I figured I was most likely to go to Kansas out of everyone in my section because I had been there the longest, I wanted to go, and I thought one of us had to go. Well... two of the three are true.

I got the word from my officer, who can actually talk to the commander about what is really happening, because I still didn't really know if I was staying or going. I was about 80% sure I was going and was happy with that situation. Well as it turns out, I am not slated to leave. The bad part is that it comes from the European Command, so I can't get that changed unless I re-enlist. Something I have learned, if you ever want something that truly benefits you from the Army you have to re-enlist to get it. I got put on a list that gives me a special opportunity to re-enlist without adding my time, since I am supposed to be out by Jan 09, I could sign the paper for 3 years and be out in Mar 09 instead, not a high price to pay to go somewhere else.

I anxiously awaited to find out what options were available for me to go, this should’ve been quite a few since everyone needs my job specialty everywhere... I find out from the re-enlistment NCO that I can't re-enlist because I am flagged for PT. That is I have not passed a PT test yet. Oh wait it gets so much better though, because the meeting I had this morning about the re-enlistments, is why I missed the PT test today!!! The last one I missed by 4 seconds, it was 20 degrees outside and just ugly. It wasn't that much better but I know my running has improved that I can confidently say I will pass the next test. So where does that leave me? I don't know. Worst case scenario today was the only day to re-enlist for that deal. Best case scenario I will take and pass a PT test sooner than next month and I can re-enlist and go somewhere else. I am thinking best option and actual chance will be Ft Lewis WA. I guess part of this is to come back and bite me because it is my fault I haven't passed the PT test... Garr this is irritating.

I think a lot of me was in a mode to just keep going until I got to Kansas. The weekly cycle is so routine and hard at the same time. I don't have anything against getting out of my comfort zone as I know I lived most of my life. Basic and AIT were not this hard spiritually. It continually wears on me, not having an active community of support or other Christians to fellowship with on other than Sunday. I don't know how people that only attend church once a week can spiritually survive. It is so harsh and I have little reason to believe it could be much better in any other unit in Europe cause all the units are small everywhere. From what I hear, my chapel is one of the largest in the European Command as far as participants, I think there are about 40-50 regulars.

I hope this trial turns for the better. Perhaps I am approaching this new development with a hard heart because I saw what I wanted and made plans and hopes of something not in my control. Maybe this is a flash to remind me I am not the one in control. I love the people I am around and I know the Gospel has been lived through me at points that they know I am different for God. It hurts to think that I will be in this spiritual situation for so much longer though...

Remembering My First Love

This one hit me as I was pondering the activities and thoughts that encompassed this last weekend. Granted the mood extends a bit further than this last weekend, I dare say a couple weeks to a month. I haven’t been feeling spiritually in touch very much in the recent time period. Not so much hot or cold, but lukewarm.

When I put that description into actual thoughts I appreciated John’s letter to Laodicea so much more, I think have a greater appreciation. I recall listening to a Hume message about the churches in Revelations not too long ago. That is just where I know I have been lacking recently. I have been spending so much time reading books about God and good books at that. I wish I would read more often when I am home. In my scurry to get so much spiritually empowering material to set my mind on I forgot about reading scripture. I am looking back now seeing why I didn’t feel as whole as I had before. It was a really awkward feeling too, because I felt so-so. I don’t like being unable to define where I am lacking. I know when I am on fire and passionate, I know when I sin and I feel departed from the close communion that I had. The recent weeks have been filled with “ehhh”, the understanding and ability to look back on it reminds me how important it is to stay in the word. I made the mistake of thinking the spiritual books would be enough or just mad dashed to keep reading the books that I forgot about the one I have had with me all along.

Reading scripture for me has been a constant on and off struggle since my senior year, before then I don’t think I made that much of an attempt to really read scripture on a daily basis. Somewhere in my “busy” schedule I replace the time spent on something, hopefully good intentioned and get caught up so easily to forget to return to my first love. The bible is clear about what we need to focus on to stay plugged in, why is it so hard for me to follow through?

Why is it that when I am on the right track and feel my strongest I tend to fall so easily and without major incident so often? When on the defensive my guard is up, my head in the right place, once I get confident, my guard goes down and then I am writing another blog about failure. I still remember to never say “never” in a prayer, I am just tired of the cycle.

I treasure the conversations from this weekend on IM that got me pondering about spiritual things. I greatly underestimated the support that you all give me at home; every time I get to talk to you guys about real stuff it really encourages me. I was talking with one of the guys this morning about Kansas again, I am looking forward to it so much, not cause I don’t like Germany, but I am so alone out here. I’ve been whining about being lonely for months, probably cause it is never getting any easier. I will certainly be able to connect with people that have never been plugged into a strong church or at least share experiences, perhaps this is exactly what I was thinking of when I said I wanted to join “to gain life experience”. I hope the trials I have endured will be able to validate what I can say to so many that have left their church home and lost their passion. I hope from what I experienced and with God carrying me through it all I can encourage the college students in Kansas. Oh yea, apparently there is a major college across the street from the post. I hear so many statistics about people that leave their faith when they leave home, hopefully that statistic won’t be as high in Kansas.

Epilogue: Sometime after I wrote this and hoped so genuinely to move with my unit to Kansas, I was informed that I would not be going. I went to a new unit in Germany, it had its own blessings.

Role of Men

This is one of those topics that I have held these strong beliefs about that I just haven't gotten around to writing down and sharing with you all. I suppose an additional influence on me finally writing this topic is at work I have been listening to the "Guys" talks from my Hume discs the last couple weeks, what a man should be in God's eyes has been a topic of some contemplation. This has been a hot topic of discussion with several of the guys at the bible studies, so yea I have been pondering this one for a while…

The verses I reference much of my thoughts will be from Ephesians 5:21-33. I will probably reference some other verses in this but these are where my primary thoughts come from, that and a 2002 talk by Cliff Carey. I will probably add some thoughts from Wild at Heart as well. So let’s get this started

What are the roles of men and how are we doing at accomplishing them?

Men by creation and by what I believe are supposed to be leaders. Does this mean women cannot be leaders? No, they are far less likely, I do not think that the gift of teaching would be withheld from women, and being that the majority of pastors are also teachers, I think it is appropriate for a woman to have that role. She will be at a disadvantage because there will be some men that do not like receiving authority from a woman but that is their problem and not hers. Anyways, since we are to be leaders what does that mean? A recent definition of a leader I heard was a person that has an influence on another, that seems to be a rather vague definition but I think it is very true and gets a good start.

On the more specific scale, what does it mean as being a man? I think Ephesians 5 spells it out very well; we are to lead our families as Christ leads the church. Many men are willing to take that role however; they attempt to do it their own way. That is our first mistake, we will read half of the paragraph, and we are to be leaders of the family, but then fail to read the second half. It feels kind of weird writing on how I think we (as men) should be leading our families when I have yet to even start the process of building a family, but then again I tend to think about a lot of things for the future.

The main point I noticed with scripture and how many troubles could be solved if we’d pay attention seems clear as day to me. Being in this culture, I think it goes without saying men still do not show their emotions. It is rare when one will openly and this is very wrong. I recall a few Dateline or 20/20 episodes that were devoted to the masculine style of raising children and their lack of emotional sensitivity. Scripture tells men to love their wives. Is it interesting that the command to men would be an appeal of emotions to men while the appeal to women are behavior? Isn’t it interesting the facets of human personality which each sex most frequently do too much of? It can be said men are too action oriented while women are too emotional, and our instructions for each other go to the opposite roles? I also found it somewhat humorous that women are given the simple instructions to submit, while the passage to men is given, explained, and reinforced almost like we would want to ask question about what that meant to love our wives.

Now to the single guy, something I can far better talk about being a single man for however many years you will credit me being an adult. Since I do not have a family to lead, what am I to do? This is a rather new thing I have noticed in my development. You all know I tend to be the behind-the-scenes kind of guy, I don’t mind second fiddle and although I want to be part of the leadership I have not wanted to be top dog. I think as single men our leadership skills should be spent or utilized in the church. After all, that is also our family, is it not? This is where my thoughts touch more into the Hume talks and Wild at Heart, men in the church often display themselves as weak, passive and that our goal is to be funny. I notice this in all age groups but being that I spent so much time watching the high schoolers this goes to them more directly. We focus our energies so much on being entertaining that most do not see their own potential to lead ministry.

I have developed a heart for youth ministry and men’s ministry. I love the youth because we have a chance to truly change the world, I know it is cliché but it is still true. I have a heart for men’s ministry because I see how few leaders who have taken their God given role and I know they can be better leaders than I can. This is one reason why I seem to not be preoccupied with the opposite sex so often I see service that needs to be done. Not to say that relationships with the opposite sex hinder our spiritual leadership, if anything they should make us better leaders, but I like to take on one thing at a time.

I am at odds with the fact that churches seem to be run by women; in such that, they are the driving force of growth, the dominant numbers ect. Part of me is giving props to the women for stepping up and doing what men should be doing, the other part senses that I am trying to motivate men to be what God created them to be while they sit back and watch the women work. This is probably a spiel I’d give to a guy’s bible study but, hey this also about par for my blogs. I am not saying that we all have to be the Leader, but we all should be in somewhat of a leadership role, be it mere mentoring a younger man around us or actually being one of the leaders with a title. We should be doing what we were meant to do, my hope, when I get back home is that there would be so many men actively being Men of God that there are too many of us doing too much and we need to start another building project. I hope this is a message that could become one that is preached to the choir, cause as of yet it is not.

Epilogue: While I still believe women can and do receive the gift of teaching I do not believe they should be in a position of spiritual authority over men. The direct scripture reference 1 Timothy 2. There is much more to the proper and loving understanding of this passage which will likely have set of blogs. You can start here.