I
shouldn’t say mantra, more like motto. Yes, motto is appropriate. I think this
was revealed to me sometime during my Iraq deployment. God constantly provides
circumstances for us to learn his simple truths: He is God, He loves me, He
knows what is best for me, He is in control, He is able. To throw an “and” or “etc.”
to the end of that short list does not do it justice. I would rather make that
grammatical mistake than limit the truths of God and his character.
Moving
forward from 2009, there have been a number of areas of life which God
consistently showed/s me new or deeper understandings of his simple truths,
through hard lessons. I remember when my roommate Dan, was laughing (it was
fair, reasonable, and prophetic) about my certainty that I would find my spouse
at Hume in 2009. It seemed reasonable at the time. I can think of at least a
dozen friends whom I have worked with in my Hummer summers who have met their
spouse as summer staff. On the odd chance a Hume friend reads this, allow me to
clarify “meet” not “start dating” as my first rule of Hume summers is “Do not
start a relationship.” This rule was learned after my first summer on staff way
back when… well when most of my Hume friends were in elementary school.
It
is fun to look through my singleness
blogs, that season of life was beneficial for my own growth but something
hit around 26, a serious bit of “been there done that, next chapter please.” “Oh
grasshopper, you have no idea” would seem like an appropriate near audible
response at the time. That season had me seriously question much of those
claims I was so happy to explain to others in my young adult years, but with
the hope of summer camp and roughly 160+ Christian women working in a common
mission, what could go wrong? Or not happen… at all. I was anxious as a near 27-year
old Christian single veteran who in some way probably felt like I earned such a
gift as a manifestation for my demonstrations of faith throughout my military
career.
It
would not have been unreasonable at the time/stage to “settle down.” I was
behind the curve on the Evangelical timeline but still in healthy range within
the secular timeline. It was an odd feeling to return to a world, in which we
all grew, professionally and spiritually, but when I returned to my home and
church there was a constant feeling of being left behind. While I was overseas
doing my thing most of my friends graduated college, got married. At that time
they were mostly pre-child stage so things were a little different but not
wholly different. It took an edge off that God pretty much gave me a
professional job as soon as I got back home. I was in a financial and
professional position that I did not need to finish college but still provide
well for my forthcoming family. Returning home from the Army had every bit of “When
I get home I am gonna…” there were even the necessary steps provided that it
looked like those hopes would be realized and fulfilled. I think that was when
God started to teach me a new kind of patience.
When
I left the Army I was certain my travelling was going to calm down. There were
a few months where I fully believed I had the next 20-30 years mapped from that
spot. Not knowing what God had in store for me reminds me of how small scale I
often look for things. I was at a great job at the time; actually it was
literally the best possible option available for my situation. It was truly a
gift. Yet, the personal stresses that came along with my department’s expansion
and transitions it was clear to me by the time summer ended I might need to
look for an exit plan. With that realization of my professional instability so
sailed my plans to settle down. It would be irresponsible to pursue someone
when I could not provide.
The
hardest decision I had to resolve before I enlisted was accepting the fact that
I would remain single for the entire duration of my enlistment. God made that
condition very easy by not placing any practicing single Christian girls in my
path, but that resolution was always present.
Like my resolution to abstain from alcohol that was fulfilled shortly after my
return to civilian life, I hoped there would be other manifestations of
fulfillment. Yet, instead of receiving my
vision of fulfillment, I started what has so far been a seven year journey to
understand God’s simple lessons with the occasional and sometimes constant hard
truth.
As
each year has passed, and especially since I have started my current chapter,
that is graduate school, being satisfied in this lesson I have had an almost
tangible sense of satisfaction trusting that God is God, He loves me, He is
able, He knows what is best for me, and I need to continue to be patient.
“No man knows how bad
he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good
people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those
who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the
strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find
out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A
man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it
would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know
very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving
in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try
to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to
temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means —
the only complete realist.” C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
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