In Part I, I started tell you about the experiential understanding of some of God’s simple truths. I did not realize this would be a series until the pages were filled in part I. This series seeks to focus on highlighting the opportunities God has given me, through hard lessons, to recognize his simple truths.
I think at the time, the simple truths were a bit less concise or complete. For a number of years I summarized the simple truths as “patience” and/or “sovereignty”. Two summers ago, eminent scholar, Screamer veteran, and strong puncher, Jerry Root summarized the simple truths to “He is God, He loves me, He knows what is best for me.” This was certainly a more relational summary than my one word doctrinal statements. Years later after an Introduction to Theology class at Biola, what has been known cannot be unknown. The character of God and his attributes from a scholarly approach may appear daunting, at the same time Romans has made much of it plain to us.
The first installment left off with the personal frustrations I had as I returned back to civilian life. Well, sort of. The Providence Verified series follows a chronological record of God’s clear hand guiding my path in the recent years. This series overlaps chronologically but tells the stories and trials I experienced while being precisely where God had me be. I had to shelve this one for a few weeks while I got caught up in the other series for chronological continuity. Let’s get on with this.
In a 6-week period, I put in my two weeks, got hired by a new division in my company, moved to Texas, and started a deployment in Afghanistan. Of the two challenges which confronted me during that time and throughout the deployment one has at best a tentative answer still. When I was active duty and Uncle Sam called my number to go to war, I could easily write it off as “this is out of my hands” or “I am being sent”, although I kind of did volunteer to go to a unit to deliberately go to Iraq. In this situation, I left a great job, which although the conditions were much less enjoyable than when I first started working, it was still the best job and opportunity available without leaving my community. As a contractor, I had to seek a job knowing I would go to another war. No flag to hide behind, no government orders making me go, I had to seek out a job, go through the interview process, and convince my company why they should send me to war. Yes, the job was in direct support and supervision of active duty personnel, but the conditions were still different.
I sold more than a year of my life. For those of you who do not know, private military contracting is very lucrative for anyone. At that time, truck drivers without military experience driving convoys of supplies in Iraq and Afghanistan were making over 100K/yr. The pay scales moved up from there. I knew several contractors who were veterans in Iraq and got an idea of the pay scale for even entry level analyst jobs. In fairness, entry-level in that career field meant at least 2 years active military experience with a deployment already under one’s belt. Anyways, there are many jobs which people do solely for the money. Isn’t that why most of us go to work? So that we can get paid? Some of us will be lucky enough to do something we love and get paid, but there are significant portions of the population punching the card to get to the next day. I knew in taking the new job position I was deliberately selling myself. The notion still feels odd. I never wanted to live a life in which chasing the paycheck was the objective, but I still took the job. I justified and still tend to justify that decision by those digits in my bank account that grew from that job. Yes, I got to do my part making the Afghani people and Coalition Forces safer. There was always that aspect of job satisfaction but I couldn’t shake it that I named my price and took it. There was nothing morally wrong about my job, it did not put me in any positions which I had to do anything against my conscience or faith, but it still felt odd. I still justify it because of the financial positioning the job provided… It is done. I do not like to justify the means by the ends, but this chapter is how it went.
The nagging sense of selling myself was not a problem during the deployment. I was awestruck with each paycheck. In retrospect it was a convicting manner to see what I valued at the time. I left my church community, a good job, and great friends for those digits in an account. The part about the deployment which made it my most difficult year was the fellowship. Between my status as a contractor and working night shift, I could not attend any chapels on base. When I was active duty my section allowed for me to attend a weekly Bible Study with some guys from my unit. It did not take long before I realized how much I underestimated God’s blessing on me in Iraq then when I was in Afghanistan. The support a community of faith can provide became measureable to me. I bonded well with my coworkers. We had a small team, only a handful of us stayed for more than a year, the active duty people rotated with a new crew and command several times. Some crews were more friendly than others, some were outright hostile towards faith. We I took the job, I figured I would continue reading to keep my faith vibrant as I did in Iraq. The near complete lack of fellowship in Afghanistan took its toll. It didn’t matter I was reading regularly, working out, eating mostly clean, the lack of fellowship and encouragement the Body of Christ ought to provide to one another was painful.
People often focus on the physical danger war presents. In Iraq we went several months between rocket attacks, I don’t think we had more than 8 days without a rocket hitting our base in Afghanistan. I chuckle, as my last week on the deployment, I am certain I saw a rocket pass over my head by 20 ft or so, it was a good signal that I was ready to leave. The physical danger was nothing compared to spiritual emptiness I felt throughout the deployment. I gained a clearer understanding of the priority between the physical and immaterial.
When I got home from Afghanistan things were different. I dare not say the evil acronym many associate with military service. I am certain it was not that. I think a spiritual thirstiness was present. I got back from Afghanistan December of 2011. By the following January I was taking classes at William Jessup to finish my degree. As much as I love Biola, I know I needed to be at Jessup that first year back in civilian life. There was a proportionally significant veteran population on campus and for some things it takes a veteran to help a veteran. The thirstiness practically felt like an immaterial mist separating myself from others around me. It flirted with the line of tangibility, but it was constantly present in public. It was not until I returned to Hume Lake the summer of 2012, that I felt the cloud lifted and have not turned back since. Hume was already a dear place to me, this was just another example why it is so important to me.
Throughout the Afghanistan deployment I knew God was demonstrating his sovereignty to me. He carried me through yet another war. Even in periods of silence, his presence was constant. Like my isolation in Germany that first year, sometimes it takes the most challenging of conditions for us to have the opportunity to see God for who he is. The noise of the world fades to the background and one is confronted with the brutal truth of a fallen world and a sin nature. Despite this, God is present, he loves me and he was able to take care of me. Even more than that, I have seen and felt God’s faithfulness through numerous trials. Like a dependable friend that has been there through thick and thin, no wait, that is insufficient. God has carried me through the hard times, especially through those moments when I was barely holding on.
No comments:
Post a Comment