This one is definitely thinking aloud. I wouldn't quiet say this is a rant but ponderous thoughts instead. Contributing factors which have lead me to the thoughts of this developing blog are: the Tuesday night Bible study in which we are now studying Song of Solomon, Dating, or lack thereof, a recent conversation/story I was listening to yesterday, and my overall thought process on the issue over the past year.
I would say at this point I am a professional single guy. I am very used to all the luxuries it includes: my free time is all to myself, I have no obligations in my personal or emotional life to another person, and I can focus on whatever my happy heart desires. At this point though I think I understand Genesis 2:18, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." a bit better than I have in the previous years of my life. Wait a minute? Did I just portray the life of a bachelor in a negative light? Taking the context into account I think this encompasses both our spiritual, emotional and personal life. What do I mean by that? I have known very clearly since I joined the Army that our spiritual lives are meant to be lived in community with each other, something my heart continues to long for.
I have had and still have a small community but once again I am perhaps the lone single soldier who attends the chapel services at my own free will. Living in the barracks has its own perils to one's faith if I want to belong. Based on my blog habits, which I believe are so frequent because I lack people around me who I can vent and talk with. So I use this outlet, my personal life wants to be able to share the deeper moments of my heart with someone. I believe it to be incredibly difficult to live out a powerful life for God without people to surround and recharge you when you need it. Community is so vastly important in our faith I cannot stress its importance any less.
As much fun as I have had with the joking feel of singing like Donkey on Shrek, "I'm so alone" which I do tend to sing at moments of opportunity, I often do feel so alone. Standing back and analyzing my singleness I am at the place in my life that I definitely am tired of being single. There are some pitfalls with this facet of my life being unsatisfied though. Before I start to divulge them all, I think there is a precursor to them lying within me. With the utmost uncertainty I think if I was back in the states I would probably be in a similar social situation, being single. Something Jonathan mentioned to me was I still have a lot to learn when it comes to dating and relationships, I don't doubt it.
I think this realization really hit me while I was sitting in on a conversation of reference. The speaker was talking about how he basically got a girlfriend that he has only talked to by phone and internet. The thing I found most profound was when he was complimenting her about how great of a girl she was and that if he was her boyfriend he would find himself to be very lucky. The first instant thought in my mind was "whoa, now that's some brownie points", but upon further ponderance I don't know if I could be that forward to someone to initiate the more than friends relationship. My goal for so long has been to be "the Friend", and I have always been so comfortable at that point in my friendships I rarely have ever wanted to carry it any further. Now, I sit in reflection and questioning myself, could I move past the friend zone?
Often in my thoughts and imagination of my future relationship with my wife or fiancé (whenever it may happen) I usually glaze over how I went from being the friend to actually having the significant other. The bigger implication I pose to myself, “what kind of spiritual leader would this make me when I haven't the daringness to attempt to initiate more than friendship?” Being friends is a wonderful thing. You can count on friends, hang out with them, and talk about anything you are willing to talk about. The only limits to how far a friendship goes are to how far the two want to take it. Well, the physical part kind of goes without saying. Beyond the line of physical behavior, what are the emotional and spiritual lines?
Something I found interesting which I profoundly disagreed with was advice in The 10 Commandments of Dating; it suggested not to pray together because it can rush a relationship into a more intimate position and speed than what the authors believe is safe. In the context of praying together while alone, yes, there is room for temptation amplified through the spiritual intimacy experienced. Therefore, praying together ought to be done in public. Praying for one another and together is one of the best friend building excercises that can be done. It is not just anyone who would pray for you or with you with a true heart.
When I recall my friendships, sometimes I think the only line that needed to be crossed from friend to a possible romantic relationship would have been to talk about it and see where we were and how we felt about each other as that kind of relationship. But… I have never taken that step. As I mentioned in my dating blog, I find people are entirely too fast and forward in the physicality of relationships. For this reason and because I know myself and my own weaknesses I hope my first kiss will be either after I propose or after I say "I do". Oh yea, I suppose I haven't mentioned that to very many people. Yea… I've never been kissed or anything close. How this applies into my future or possible dating life, it throws an interesting curve, because the factor so often used to determine a couple is “a thing” is such forms of affection. By my own desires I have put it off till much further in the relationship.
What inspired this form of dating ideology was a talk I heard at Hume in 03' by Steve Solomon. I can email it to anyone if you are interested to hear it. I think it puts the bar for men to be spiritual leaders and men of integrity much higher than society can even contemplate. While putting the bar up and burden on me to express my feelings in a way which excludes physical intimacy, it also adds a knot into how do I initiate the relationship to the more than friends level. These details I have no idea how to go about. I suppose there would be dates, and activities. I think I’ll figure it out as I go. Well, not really, for the really good ones I can learn all I need to know by watching some chick flicks. Truth be told, the reason guys can't stand chick flicks is because it makes regular guys look so pathetic. I don't know many guys who can build a telescope or buy a star... Perhaps that is why I like Hitch so much, because it is for the normal guys.
Back to my over-analysis of my dissatisfaction and predicaments of the thing called dating. The most difficult part of the relationship is the maintaining and growing part. After all how much more to it is there? There is spending time together, sharing, doing things, and enjoying being around each other. I think at a certain point one of two things happen, you either get married or break up. This model is with the successful relationship, I kind of glossed over the fights, arguments, and disagreements. Those will happen but it is what they are about and how they are dealt with which contributes to the overall success of the relationship. Actually, for many relationships to get through the fights is one of the most defining aspects to show how important it really is. Talking to friends that for some reason ask me for relationship advice on occasion, I think one of the simplest ways to have a working and good relationship is to treat the person as friends treat each other. So often the issues brought up seem to get convoluted in my friends' minds because their emotions are out of control. My objective outlook allows me to be able to look at their situations and talk it out without being emotionally involved. Essentially working out friend’s relationship problems has taught me the most about relationships directly. I am curious how it will hit me when I am no longer emotionally absent from the issue.
Now that I have expelled the internal issues to me not dating or getting into a relationship there are additional factors as to why I believe I remain in this state of singleness until I get out of the Army. I when I enlisted I knew I would likely not get into a relationship; at that point it didn't seem like such a big deal. At this point, it is bittersweet. To halt my loneliness I have thought of trying to find someone in the local area, but it is quickly snuffed by the realization that I will not remain in this country for more than a year. Where I go in a year it is one of three places, based on my occupation I think you all can guess aside from the States where the other two locations may be.
The environments I have found myself in definitely has a shortage of Christians. By Christians I mean to express those that take their faith seriously enough to practice it despite their surroundings. I have yet to find a single Christian female since I have left the states, which definitely puts a hindrance to starting a relationship. I do not think it is a good idea to attempt more than friendship with someone in the states. Long distance friendships can work, but not that kind I think. It hit me after I read 10 Commandments of Dating, that I am not really looking for someone to date, but a serious relationship dare I say wife. I think that explains much about how I have approached social interaction and relationships thus far. I don't think I was ever looking for a girlfriend; I have always been looking for a wife. I think great friendships can be made anywhere, more than that though requires meeting in person. So I find myself in my current state of singleness by lack of options. I am not really stressing too much expecting to not find someone for this period of time, and so I am the single guy.
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