Let The Grass Cutting Begin! An Example of Army Efficiency

So yea this one is more an update of what has been going on because I have been so busy with work and the internet looks to be numbered. So how has this last month been spent? Well as you may see cause I have thought this over too, it really isn't that much. The time efficiency/usage is wasted so often it is rather sad. Let's see here, I believe the first week we took care of tents. Oh yea, we started working from 0730 until about 1900 or later (7pm) and as the working progressed the hours grew. So the deal with the tents we'd pull them out, count them and put them back, day 1. Then we'd start to clean them and put them back again, day 2. Really repetitive work like that, it was a very mentally stimulating week *yawn*. I believe I actually calculated the total man-hours we spent on actually cleaning the tents and it worked out to somewhere around 20 hours per tent. I was not irked about that figure until I was sent to do a tent solo and cleaned it all in about 4 hours. Why it took so much more time? Well that is a fine example of Army efficiency.

The following week we spent washing trucks, the Humvees as civilians call them, and 5 ton trucks, those are basically big flatbed trucks. We had to clean them to get all the dirt off for Custom's guys to okay them for our sterile yard, part of the whole unit move process. What did I learn from that experience? Well pressure washers are really fun but after 4 days straight of using them, they are no longer fun. I also noticed that if there were more appropriate or adequate cleaning areas for each vehicle it would likely have taken half the time we spent on the trucks. That and it is not very easy to punch hole into a HMMWV without a hammer. That was a fun part though, punching holes in the trucks for drainage.

The following week was all about milvans; think really big storage containers the size of a CONEX. This was one of the best parts. We had to pull the stuff out of storage and clean it. Then we would load it into the milvan to make sure it all fits. The next day we'd unload it, lay it out to be checked, and then we'd reload the milvan. There is something about repetitive lifting that made this event somewhat fun. I felt lazy not going to the gym after truck washing but after a day of milvans I felt like I had been to the gym. It is a nice feeling to get work done and feel tired from it; a part of me actually thinks I did something constructive.
The final week and weekend we worked all the way through was the most trying period. Aside from starting at 0630 and going until about 2000 or later it was more truck washing. We were really confused at first cause the Customs people had to re-inspect the vehicles before they were sent to port. We ended up spending 3 really intense days re-washing every vehicle we had. Apparently grease now counted as dirt so we had to keep rewashing the vehicles until they passed. The best part was the standard for a passing vehicles' cleanliness really depended on how the inspector felt. It was really frustrating.

So now we are at the end of the hard part. The next 4 months or more will be spent mowing grass, painting buildings and other important tasks like that. Looking back on the crazy schedule that we had I don't entirely regret it. I did get to test my mental resolve of being motivated. The conversations I had while moving the things and just working together side beside my friends were at times very encouraging and fulfilling. I don't know what is honestly going to happen to me in the coming months. The paperwork for the units that I would have the potential to do something really significant has been submitted but word on the street is that is getting disregarded, more or less. I don't want to really disclose what I have heard as far as "word on the street" accuracy about my recent future. To me it really means nothing substantiated until I have orders in hand. I suppose the best way to say my recent future is that if it takes the course as it is currently foreseen I probably won't be coming home for Christmas...I would much appreciate your prayers that I am able to go to Heidelberg.

Save The Children

The recent weeks of many boring details and monkey-work has lead to some interesting chats as well as lots of time for me to think. So let's see where this one takes me. One of the topics of discussion was that of how our parents raised us. I think that is very important aspect of one's overall development and certain aspects of which I noticed common patterns from people I have known and observed throughout my experiences here and home. The way I tend to explain my raising was that Mom tried to shelter me and Dad laid it out to us when we were in Jr High that we were on our path to define ourselves. From about that point on I think I made the best efforts I can and continue to do so to be aware of things that are around me. I think my general personality and desire to understand what I do not understand also added to my experiences and thoughts compiled in this blog.

The main topic I found seems rather sad that I have noticed in people around here, that I think directly relates to their raising was if they were "sheltered" or not. From talking to a number of people, in addition to seeing how they react when left to behave on their own, it is rather apparent as to how they were raised in that aspect. I think I have room to relate because after all, mom tried to shelter me. This was manifested in restricting the TV shows, movies, & video games I watched and played. I do not disagree that she meant well in trying to protect us from those topics, and how certain aspects of humanity are displayed, namely sex, drugs, alcohol and violence. I think often when a parent takes an interest in what their child is watching and playing it shows how they care and value what their child experiences.

From my point of view by the time I was 16 I was pretty well set in what games and TV shows would influence me and how. I am not aiming to say that sheltering a child is harmful in the long run, but I do believe it should be done for a rather short period in one's development. How long that period lasts like the manner in which the child will be exposed to certain things are in the hands of the parents. I would comfortably say until about Jr High when other people and things have a greater influence in defining one's self.

What I have observed from others, who have been raised in the sheltered environment, tends to be rather sad. I know their parents wanted to protect them from what the world is really like, because I think for anyone who has spent a year in the real world can agree it is not pretty out there. My own analysis tends to think that because the person was protected and did not experience what the world was like but kept in a bit of a bubble, once they get the sense of all the things there are to experience they get rather crazy. They are confronted with so many decisions about so many things that they have no idea about, they often go with the crowd on decisions that usually don't benefit one's self.

The sheltering feeling is known by the child. The definition of child is not a person under 12 years of age. I suppose teenager would also suffice as the proper subject of this. I knew my Mom was trying to shelter me; I didn't like it at all, when I was with Dad I was free to explore and learn more. That usually meant hearing things & seeing things that would be risqué or downright crude and inappropriate, but I was able to define those things for myself. The way I interpreted my Mom's efforts at that time was that she was in a little dream world and figured if we didn't know about wrong we could not do wrong. At this point I think is was how my Mom thought she could best encourage us to live a Christian lifestyle. I often interpreted it as a lack of trust or a non-belief in my own competence to know what is right and what is wrong.

When I phrased that last sentence in my mind, the idea of Free Will instantly popped into my head, after all, at the Garden of Eden it was that Adam and Eve used their Free Will to sin and separate us from God. Through the blood of Christ are we able to get with God again as Adam and Eve once knew him. I am a strong believer in using Free Will and I think I understand why Free Will exists, I am pretty sure I have blogged about that before. God as our Father, has given each of us free will and in a way I think a parent that shelters their child temporarily removes some of the free will until the supervision of the parent is no longer over the child. I am tempted to say that might be the case in the Parable of the Prodigal Son, although it was a parable, I know similar stories of people doing their own thing and having experiences of life and learning has come back to God in repentance. Actually, that is every one of us; at some point I know we have all left God and returned to Him so maybe it applies for more than I see at the moment.

I have found that many people who were raised in what they describe a rather "religious" atmosphere the majority by now have turned their back on that aspect of life and at best leaves God in terms of a guy way up there with little or no practical application of daily life. It pains me to see because I truly believe that their parents meant well in doing what they could to protect their child, and in a way it was that very protection that set them up for a very rocky trip that often doesn't work out too well. Hopefully somewhere down the road they might return to God or be introduced to him on a personal level. It is sadly a very common thing to see in my current atmosphere.

There a many young adults with regular paychecks left to do whatever they want within the limits of the law. When the law of man is the limit, I think I want to get into a duck and cover position and hope no one gets hurt in the process. I know it is up to a person to do what they want and live how they want to. However, from my point of view and my over analysis of every single thing I do and think about, I am at a unique position to observe those around me and because of my relationship with Christ I know there is so much more to life than people live out. I often pray that me being here is useful for more than writing interesting blogs and having things to think about.

My Dad prepared me for the world I was about to enter. I know I still have much to learn, but the most important things, such as "Who Am I", and "What Am I Here On Earth For?" I am confident in the answers. I have seen and continue to see the vast majority of people not having any idea to the answer to those questions; I think that is the reason why peer pressure so easily influences people. I was talking to Adam, a Christian in my platoon, after one of the long work days and he was commenting about how different I am because I have defined myself before I got to this place and from that I have been able to stand firm against much more pressure than some people he has known.

I believe a parent's task is to prepare their child for life away from them. The best way to go about it is to help them define who they are and want to be, once that is established and held firmly, all other aspects of life are mere details. I greatly value being raised in the church atmosphere, but I do credit much of my grown passion and sprouted desire to known God on the personal level from the Christian influences around me in the early teens. I think that is why I have a passion for youth ministry because I know how much it encouraged my own relationship with Christ and I hope to share it with people at very pivotal points in their lives.

I do find it rather comedic that a 21 year old single guy is writing about raising children in this one, I suppose it may also mean I am thinking a little bit ahead. I don't think I have a place to try to tell any parent how to raise their child. I write this to put my own thoughts on how I have noticed people react to how they were raised. I hope that when my time comes, I will be able to figure out more than what not to do but what to do.

Epilogue: The meat of this blog is still true. I do have a much different view of free will than I did at the time of this writing.

Road Trip!

I finally got out of the barracks yesterday for a fun road trip. It was awesome; I went with my boss, her husband, and several of her friends up to the Black Forrest. I thought the Black Forest was an actual individual place which happened to be a forest with black trees. It turned out to be an entire region with some interesting things. The tourist thing I got to see was the World's Largest Cuckoo Clock. Yes, I did take some pictures and got some souvenirs, I don't have the proper programs to re-size them so I can post them somewhere.

I saw many amazing handcrafted cuckoo clocks at several “House of a 1000 Clocks” shops. I tried some Black Forrest Cake, that was tasty, but the Cappuccino Cake I had after that... ohhh that was to die for, it was simply amazing. The European way of cooking and baking is so much better than the states. Americans tend to sugar things beyond the point of oblivion as if we are hummingbirds. European cooking allow the food's natural flavors to reach out. Sometimes it is like a culinary jazz, the taste is not only what is there but also what isn't. There are entire shops, very nicely decorated shops, devoted to cake and coffee. The goodies are of such quality and taste I am glad to stay in this country for another year.
I had a really good time, I hope I can go back sometime because I didn't bring near enough Euros... I am not a huge fan of Ham, but they have this smoked ham... wow is all I have to say. It was so good I felt bad for swallowing it, but at the same time it was soooo smooth, simply marvelous foods. The only bad part was I had to get up at 0630 to get ready, I did sleep most of the way on I think it was about 2.5-3 hours each way. I have still been having lots of trouble sleeping at night the last couple months but I caught up on a lot of sleep this weekend. I can't wait to go on another trip

Last Chance

So today was it, my last chance at passing my physical training (PT) test before the unit moves to Kansas. It was a really big deal. I have been flagged since November which makes a damper on many privileges as well as makes it very difficult to get favorable actions like moving units. In addition, from Dec till the middle of February I was on a remedial PT schedule that was 6 days a week, and was fun for about a month. The rest of the duration was a pain in the hindquarter. Even more, last week a memo came out that those that did not pass this PT test would not receive PCS awards. Permanent Change of Station is when people go to a new post/unit. If you did well at the unit you are leaving you should get a PCS award. I was hoping to get one:

A)   My squad leader has been spending the last 2 weeks writing the recommendations

B)   My dress uniform is rather bare still, so anything that can go on it would be nice.

C)   The awards are worth promotion points when I am trying to get sergeant, but that is not something I have been worry about much at all.

The part that this means the most for me is I can continue to try to go back to the US with my unit. The paths I would have to take to get that accomplished would either be released by the European Command to go with my unit that would love to take me, or re-enlist. The re-enlist part is unlikely because I need 17 months’ time in service to do so, and I am roughly 3 months short, so I'd need some kind of high ranking action done to allow me to re-enlist. If this did not go well, I would have no chance to make an effort to further try to go to a unit other than the one I am currently slated to go to. If I must stay in Germany I want to go to a unit that does what I was trained to do, which aside from being far more stimulating and interesting greatly furthers my possible career paths in the Intelligence community if that happens to be a door that God opens when I get out of here.

I know I have mentioned it several times before about my loneliness here, manly the spiritual isolation from not having any single Christians to fellowship. My lack of transportation doesn't exactly help me to go looking for other Christians beyond the base. The biggest reason I want to go back to the US is that I believe I will be able to find more single Christians than here. The reasoning, in Europe most of the posts are small, they don't have very large forces of people and the posts are all over the place. Every single post in the US has at least several thousand personnel; I think 5-10,000 is a safe estimate for many of the posts across the US. My reasoning, since people that live their lives like me is rather uncommon Army-wide, if I am on a post with several times more people I will have better chances of finding people to fellowship with. I know there are no promises of finding others, but the chances are greatly increased. If I am blessed enough to get to go to Kansas the post is literally across the street from K-State, so at the very least I could check out the Campus Crusade/Navigators campus outreach programs around there. I hope to go to a post that I would not do personnel type of work or go to a post with a larger population that fellowship has better possibilities.

The recent weeks have been very difficult. Two weeks ago was I found out that I could not go home for Easter, which hurt. Last week the list came out for who was going to Kansas, as of now not I. I am slotted to go to a small post near Nuremburg, with a small post comes all the frustrations that I presently have. Playing the odds, it doesn't look to good so far. The semi-regular flow of bad news has really been getting to me. Last week I was really depressed and just had nothing to smile about. It is bad when one cannot smile or even force a fake one until it is real. My light at the end of the tunnel was dimmed and the tunnel got four times longer. It has only been seven months of a two year tour if I stay for the entire time. So far it looks like that's happening. Seven months, as long as that seems it is little more than 1/4 of my time on the other side of the ocean. I don't hold anything against Germany in itself; I have not even been able to properly travel yet. That goes hand in hand with not having someone I can easily hang out with.

Therefore, I think you get the idea about how much this PT test matters. Because of all the extra PT training I was rather confident that I had this run in the bag. The last PT test I was four seconds short on the run, it was 20 degrees and some of the route was icy. Monday I wanted to run the PT route with my pacer, to make sure it was in the bag and there was nothing to worry about. We started the run after a light chest workout at the gym, because well, we both really like doing the bench press. We started going and about 1/2 mile into it we stopped running cause we were going way too slow. The time I needed was 15:54 so for the 1/2 mile mark 4 minutes is acceptable; I think he said we were around 5:30-6 minutes at that mark. We ended up doing sprints a little further and the way back; the whole time when I wasn't gasping for air I was confused how I could be running so slowly. The test run did not set my mind at ease, it did quite the opposite. I didn't do any PT Tuesday, it is standard practice of the Army to not do PT the day before the test, and I made a big effort to take it easy when the day was done. It was another long day which is kind of the curve for the following weeks. I had a light dinner, watched Fantastic 4, and did some reading in John, Romans, & Jude. I really haven't been reading as much as I used to, I need to make a better effort to fix that. I went to bed at nine, an hour early to make sure I was well rested for my 0530 alarms. About the sleep last night... yea, I haven't had one like that since the night before I went to Basic. I am pretty sure I woke up at 10:30, 11:30, 12:15, 1:40, 2:30, 3:30, 4:15, and finally 5:30. The beginning of the night I was able to roll over and go back to sleep but from about the 12:15 mark on I laid awake from a weird dream about details changing or me thinking I took the PT test already and just head twisting things like that, so I didn't sleep too well despite my efforts to sleep well. I got some "sport beans", supposedly energy jelly beans, for the run to try help in any way it could because I was in somewhat of a desperate state all of Tuesday through much of this morning.

At least I was not late to the PT test. Step one was out of the way. I took a protein shake right when I woke up because I usually do perform better with some protein inside me. The push-ups went normal, no problems, I think I might be slowing down but that might just be a lack of competition. The sit-ups went okay, not great by still around 90%. Then the run, I have a certain problem being able to breathe and run at a halfway decent pace. There is something about PT tests that really set my breathing at an off pace. It was a rather nice morning, it was almost sunny couldn't have been colder than 40 degrees which is really warm in recent history. The “go!” went off and the run wasn't going too well. I think the jelly beans were a bad idea, cause they stirred me around the 1/4 mark. I kept gasping for air and Teddy was yelling at me for roughly the whole duration. It wasn't the most painful run I have ever had but it was by no means easy. The last PT test I was at 7:25 at the mile mark and I was still short. I wasn't sure how it was going until I got in range; I was at 7:38 for the halfway point, not terrible but not too good. I was certain although everything inside me was trying to go at max speed that an old lady with a walker could've passed me at my pace. The chaplain was at the last 100 yards to help encourage me to sprint it out, he has been a good source of encouragement for the last couple PT tests. I ran it in and I was certain the numbers I heard counting were 58... 59... and instantly thought NOOOO!!!!!!! Then the next second he said "15:30!" I nearly collapsed, I was so happy and I really was that tired. I suppose this might be a turn for better, I definitely have more hope and can continue to try to go to Kansas. Although my chances are still really low, they are still better than 0.

Rebel With a Cause

I have seen so many people of different backgrounds and upbringings come together for work, to live, and do just about everything together. It is apparent to me how similar so much of the world is compared to me and the lifestyle I lead. It really brings to mind 1 Peter talking about how we are the royal priesthood and set apart and do not belong here, on earth. Amidst so much diversity and such common behavior that is ever so true.

In the seven months since I have been here I have witnessed: clubbing, drinking… and that is about it. For the single enlisted people at least. I easily note who does actual traveling as part of my job. I find that every single person of the character that I might or would hang out with on my own time is married and or has a family. I think seeing that is getting me to look forward to that aspect of my life all the more.

It appears to me that in my generation to be a rebel is the norm. Yea, I went with a spin off of the James Dean movie title for this blog; color me tacky I thought it works. By rebel I think it is most clearly illustrated as taking part in regular activities of partying and the things that surround it, usually drunkenness, and the common lifestyle college students probably face. On the weekends the only difference I think is between a college dorm and the barracks, is that the soldiers are getting paid, and well what do single people interested in the opposite sex tend to use their resources for? Nuff said. In addition the rather "up yours" attitude to put it lightly of much of the authority figures around us is very common. Not quite sure if that is due to the disgruntlement of the job/surroundings or general attitude. I tend to think it is both seeing that I get that attitude from time to time as well.

I find it interesting that numerous people when I get in a conversation and have the chance to steer it about something of substance don't seem to have a direction in what they want out of life. For those who do, it is happiness, not the pursuit but the actual happiness. I think many have seen how content I am, but the separate lifestyle that seems so unfun to so many doesn't quiet connect or cause enough interest for someone to be interested as to why I can be so content. Then again as the months have gone by I have not been nearly as content as before. The overall spiritual wear and tear is taking a toll. That was a good deal of my hopes of Kansas to be near more people with a strong chance of finding more single Christians.

So this brings me to why I believe I am a rebel here. So often the rebel is associated with going against the Man, being a free spirit and all that jazz. More or less doing what I want and not others, also tends to be associated with negative behavior as an expression of one's individuality. Seeing so many different people doing so often the same things, same behavior, and the same attitude, I tend to stick out being the odd one. Being that I am the one going against the flow by standing for what is right; doesn't that then make me the rebel? Because the norm has become to do what is in the best interest of ourselves and I happen live a lifestyle against that mindset.

So Much For Kansas?!

Following the sentiments from Remembering My First Love

I think I have made it more than clear on multiple occasions that I am really spiritually isolated over here and was looking forward to going to Kansas with the rest of my unit. At the beginning it was a letdown because I didn't get much of a chance to explore the lands. I found with the company that surrounds me, I would rather not go explore the surrounding countries with them. They don't want to hit the same sites as myself. In addition the overall spiritual atmosphere or lack thereof has been probably the most continually trying I have ever experienced in my life. As the time passed, I realized I am the only single Christian out of the 280 people in my unit. Due to the overall likelihood that I'd be going to Kansas, I started to accept it.

I talked to people that had been there and found that a major college was very close by. The thought of a very large post in addition to a large college campus, in my mind greatly increases the chances of finding more single Christians. I figured I was most likely to go to Kansas out of everyone in my section because I had been there the longest, I wanted to go, and I thought one of us had to go. Well... two of the three are true.

I got the word from my officer, who can actually talk to the commander about what is really happening, because I still didn't really know if I was staying or going. I was about 80% sure I was going and was happy with that situation. Well as it turns out, I am not slated to leave. The bad part is that it comes from the European Command, so I can't get that changed unless I re-enlist. Something I have learned, if you ever want something that truly benefits you from the Army you have to re-enlist to get it. I got put on a list that gives me a special opportunity to re-enlist without adding my time, since I am supposed to be out by Jan 09, I could sign the paper for 3 yrs and be out in Mar 09 instead, not a high price to pay to go somewhere else.

I anxiously awaited to find out what options were available for me to go, this should’ve been quite a few since everyone needs my job specialty everywhere... I find out from the re-enlistment NCO that I can't re-enlist because I am flagged for PT. That is I have not passed a PT test yet. Oh wait it gets so much better though, because the meeting I had this morning about the re-enlistments, is why I missed the PT test today!!! The last one I missed by 4 seconds, it was 20 degrees outside and just ugly. Wasn't that much better but I know my running has improved that I can confidently say I will pass the next test. So where does that leave me? I don't know. Worst case scenario today was the only day to re-enlist for that deal. Best case scenario I will take and pass a PT test sooner than next month and I can re-enlist and go somewhere else. I am thinking best option and actual chance will be Ft Lewis WA. I guess part of this is to come back and bite me because it is my fault I haven't passed the PT test... Garr this is irritating.

I think a lot of me was in a mode to just keep going until I got to Kansas. The weekly cycle is so routine and hard at the same time. I don't have anything against getting out of my comfort zone as I know I lived most of my life. Basic and AIT were not this hard spiritually. It continually wears on me, not having an active community of support or other Christians to fellowship with on other than Sunday. I don't know how people that only attend church once a week can spiritually survive. It is so harsh and I have little reason to believe it could be much better in any other unit in Europe cause all the units are small everywhere. From what I hear, my chapel is one of the largest in the European Command as far as participants, I think there are about 40-50 regulars.

I hope this trial turns for the better. Perhaps I am approaching this new development with a hard heart because I saw what I wanted and made plans and hopes of something not in my control. Maybe this is a flash to remind me I am not the one in control. I love the people I am around and I know the Gospel has been lived through me at points that they know I am different for God. It hurts to think that I will be in this spiritual situation for so much longer though...

GAR WHY WHY

I think I have made it more than clear on multiple occasions that I am really spiritually isolated over here and was looking forward to going to Kansas with the rest of my unit. At the beginning it was a letdown because I didn't get much of a chance to explore the lands. I found with the company that surrounds me, I would rather not go explore the surrounding countries with them. They don't want to hit the same sites as myself. In addition the overall spiritual atmosphere or lack thereof has been probably the most continually trying I have ever experienced in my life. As the time passed, I realized I am the only single Christian out of the 280 people in my unit. Due to the overall likelihood that I'd be going to Kansas, I started to accept it.

I talked to people that had been there and found that a major college was very close by. The thought of a very large post in addition to a large college campus, in my mind greatly increases the chances of finding more single Christians. I figured I was most likely to go to Kansas out of everyone in my section because I had been there the longest, I wanted to go, and I thought one of us had to go. Well... two of the three are true.

I got the word from my officer, who can actually talk to the commander about what is really happening, because I still didn't really know if I was staying or going. I was about 80% sure I was going and was happy with that situation. Well as it turns out, I am not slated to leave. The bad part is that it comes from the European Command, so I can't get that changed unless I re-enlist. Something I have learned, if you ever want something that truly benefits you from the Army you have to re-enlist to get it. I got put on a list that gives me a special opportunity to re-enlist without adding my time, since I am supposed to be out by Jan 09, I could sign the paper for 3 years and be out in Mar 09 instead, not a high price to pay to go somewhere else.

I anxiously awaited to find out what options were available for me to go, this should’ve been quite a few since everyone needs my job specialty everywhere... I find out from the re-enlistment NCO that I can't re-enlist because I am flagged for PT. That is I have not passed a PT test yet. Oh wait it gets so much better though, because the meeting I had this morning about the re-enlistments, is why I missed the PT test today!!! The last one I missed by 4 seconds, it was 20 degrees outside and just ugly. It wasn't that much better but I know my running has improved that I can confidently say I will pass the next test. So where does that leave me? I don't know. Worst case scenario today was the only day to re-enlist for that deal. Best case scenario I will take and pass a PT test sooner than next month and I can re-enlist and go somewhere else. I am thinking best option and actual chance will be Ft Lewis WA. I guess part of this is to come back and bite me because it is my fault I haven't passed the PT test... Garr this is irritating.

I think a lot of me was in a mode to just keep going until I got to Kansas. The weekly cycle is so routine and hard at the same time. I don't have anything against getting out of my comfort zone as I know I lived most of my life. Basic and AIT were not this hard spiritually. It continually wears on me, not having an active community of support or other Christians to fellowship with on other than Sunday. I don't know how people that only attend church once a week can spiritually survive. It is so harsh and I have little reason to believe it could be much better in any other unit in Europe cause all the units are small everywhere. From what I hear, my chapel is one of the largest in the European Command as far as participants, I think there are about 40-50 regulars.

I hope this trial turns for the better. Perhaps I am approaching this new development with a hard heart because I saw what I wanted and made plans and hopes of something not in my control. Maybe this is a flash to remind me I am not the one in control. I love the people I am around and I know the Gospel has been lived through me at points that they know I am different for God. It hurts to think that I will be in this spiritual situation for so much longer though...