I can't help but to think of my most previous blog in which I was celebrating a rather irritating road block in my military career. All of my senses of triumph are not as bright at the moment. Actually at this moment I am rather disgruntled and disappointed. As you may have detected where I am going with this, I had a PT test today. As happy as I am that my max time is now 16:36 it is not sufficient for me to meet the standard. This morning I performed the worst I have ever performed on a PT test so far. Granted my push-ups were great, the best I have done since I was in Arizona. The sit-ups are being counted in a newer stricter manner in which is not advantageous to those of thicker body mass; I lost 10 sit-ups from my previous worst. Now the grand finally of failure, my run was in 17:00 I find no reason at all that I ran so slowly. Even when I was at Basic I was in the 16:40's range, then I worked down to a very predictable 16:10's range then worked it down to the 15:50's range. I thought at worst I would be in the 16:15ish, after all I was stuck at that time area for a good deal of time. Well, apparently not.
So where am I in the middle of this? Very disgruntled and currently not seeing the proper lesson from this setback. Aside from the whole failure part, which I am not one to accept very readily, it puts a very negative outlook upon my soldiering and value to the unit. I have come to believe the general feel of the Army and people that fail at PT in one way or another are worse than a DUI. There is so much regular warning and precautions about preventing DUI's it seems like it is the most important thing in the Army at times. Those that get them are looked upon poorly for the time and the book is usually thrown at them. However, as a whole the person is not looked upon that poorly. It is a recoverable event, and then there is the group of PT failures that I am ever so familiar. It is somewhat of a not talked about stigma that I have sensed everywhere I have been flagged (the status one gets for being a PT failure or other form of trouble). The only difference I have yet to find is how blatantly poor those who are failures are treated.
I know this is not true in many people's minds, but the general aura of failure follows me around. I think the worst part is being identified with all of those that are in remedial. Part of the general consensus about those that are PT failures are that they have no heart. It is an understandable situation because my experience so far has shown that is the case with the majority that are present. Thus guilt by association puts me in the negative light of being lazy, not trying hard enough and the list goes on. To be associated with that attitude is such a misrepresentation of whom I am and constantly work to be. I do disdain the association.
I am guessing the lesson that I am to learn is something along the lines of humility. It seems the most logical at the moment; after all less than a few days ago I was standing upon a tower of achievement for waiting out a clock... I hope there is more to be learned. It is a lesson that will be taught in more repetitions throughout my life but is there more than that? I had so much hope for the clean slate at this unit and my performance has quickly muddied that. Part of my disgruntlement wants me to hit the gym in certain specific areas to ensure I pass the Tape Test with flying colors, or at least make some of the measurements very difficult to take. I am still unaware if I have passed the body fat part of the test. I have reasons to believe I failed and reasons to believe I passed.
Next Monday I am getting tested for a form of asthma, I am not sure where I stand on what I hope the results/diagnosis will be. On one side it is something to look forward to because it directly impacts the most negative mark on my record. On the other side of things, I don't want it to be some kind of affliction that will become a crutch. However, if the test yields that I have nothing, and then what am I to think with all of my constant efforts to better myself and pass the PT test? I am torn on the issue. Do I want the easy solution and if I do want it, how does that reflect my ethics of determination and effort? Then again, if I indeed have it then what is to become of my PT training? I do like running, a good deal of that joy is because I have so much room for improvement. Granted I am not grinning like an idiot as I am constantly passed on the run route and often am among the last to arrive at the destination. I suppose that is why I am so torn about what I hope the test yields... what is to become of my physical fitness training and expectations if I do have this condition?
On the bright side of things, I guess I am getting back to my more regular grueling routine of PT. I rarely run on my own due to other issues, in short when I train by myself with cardio I can't measure progress or properly train myself for short distances. I rely on my cardio training to come from morning PT, and most can say for those that are struggling in that area it is not enough. Hopefully, the extra exercise will also help me to drop some of my excess body fat and solve both my worries. We shall see.
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