Why Don't I?

When I reflect upon what I have done on my own to grow spiritually over the last 4 or 5 months I find it comforting to know that I am frequently spending time to grow; be it through reading/studying or one of the several forms of media that I have. The most recent series I watched was some sermons by Andy Stanley out of a church in Georgia. He had an interesting series on the Gospels, similar to the route of Case for Christ, but emphasized what was most probable and how logically thinking people could deny the Gospel's truth. They had a nifty skit to see if Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John could stand on trial.

Anyways the "this" I refer to is my behaviors to seek Christ and grow spiritually. Although I do find it comforting to know that I am seeking God, a question hits me now and again usually while I am just pondering as I rake leaves or do some meaningless task. Why didn't I do this back at home? I mean since I have been here I have read a book, wrote several Bible studies, listened to probably more than a hundred hours of sermons and seminars. The majority of the resources I have had for quite some time. Why does it take me being in the most isolated place I have ever been spiritually, to seek active growth?

Take the Hume messages for instance, I have had those since the conclusion of the 2003 Summer. I think I might have listened to 2 weeks’ worth of messages to remember what they said. I was tracking which messages I had taken notes on and just listened to and so far I have gone through a couple fishermen conferences, a youth pastors' conference, and several weeks of summer camp messages and a few miscellaneous messages. Why does it take the harsh circumstances for me to finally be proactive? Maybe I see more opportunities to share with people so I want to follow 1 Peter 3:15 to be ready at any moment to give a defense for the hope that I have. That would be a great church answer wouldn't it?

Sadly I think it is because there is a part of me that wants to be independent. I wouldn't try to say why I want to be so independent so often, could be part of my personality maybe that is how I was taught with the whole American part, maybe it is because I am a child of Adam. I think many people can try to link events in our past to psychoanalyze why we behave the way we do, with this I think it the Adam part in us. One of the biggest things that I have learned in my spiritual walk is that this life is about depending on God.

So often we hear the sermons and messages about accepting God and becoming a Christian but this is something that I think has occurred to me over time. People that see Christianity like a bunch of rules often miss the point of making God our God. I like to stress the importance of the relationship with Christ. The close personal connection is where we learn the deeper purpose of why we are instructed to do what we do. All the while we still have that part in us of wanting to be independent. I don't think that can be called our sin nature to want to be independent, or can it? That is pretty scary thing to consider, sin is the separation from God, so if the desire to be independent from God... I think that can qualify. Whoa... So does that extend the dangers of freedom into the rest of our lives?

I believe that all the principles of our Christian lives should overflow into our entire beings, but this thought is pretty scary. I think you might see where this is going, is freedom a bad thing? Phew, when I get to this point I can easily say "no". Our freedom of choice is paramount in our ability to sin and God loving us enough to let us do what we want. So from that angle freedom is a good thing. I suppose what got me on the path of pondering its potential was that freedom is able to be used for good or evil. Looking back at where my thoughts were going, the potential to do wrong is always present, I often wish I did not have that potential but it is something I must continue to battle daily.

This really got me thinking from the last sermon I saw. It was about Zedikiah and the overall behavior of the Jews throughout the Old Testament. The repeated process that we see throughout the Jewish history from the time of Saul until Zedikiah, the last King of Israel, was a pendulum of faithfulness. Jeremiah warned Zedikiah to repent from his ways and he wouldn't so God stepped back and let Nebuchadnezzar do his conquering thing. Granted when I do my own thing I don't go as far as Zedikiah got nor was I disciplined as harshly. Mr. Stanley had a really true statement I found great value; God does not discipline those he loves to punish them, but to win them back. How often do we have to get to our wits end before we'll turn around and do it God's way? If you are anything like me, I will usually get so far or so devoted and not see the danger or see the need to keep the guard up and then I am repenting, again.

I hate to think this cyclic process is a lack of commitment on my part, but how dumb am I that I keep falling for the same things every time? I mean this is a tried and true cycle, not quiet set to a calendar but good grief talk about repetitiveness. That was much of my spiritual behavior back at home and not that far from what it is here. I know I don't fall as often as I did when I was at home because the danger is much more apparent and constant. What I keep returning to, is why do I only respond to the danger I see? After all Ephesians 6:10-13 clearly tells us that we are fighting the unseen. This goes right back to the material from Romans 6, probably the most studied chapter that I have heard commentaries and looked at, and I still fight, sometimes I win sometimes I loose. When I lose I recall a bit from I think it was Todd Arnet that said it, it was something along the lines "I am not activity constantly fighting sin, because if I was, it would've been long gone from me. I fight sin in bursts, and when I sin, it is because I wanted to."

Epilogue: As I read through this to correct the grammar and typos, I was grieved by the blatant pride I had in the faith that was so important. I survived that trial of faith by the God's provision alone. I was reminded why I embraced Reformed Theology so much, that I had to be humbled. Reformed Theology is a non-essential discussion Christians can have with each other upon finding the common ground of basic orthodoxy. This simply reminded me why Reformed Theology was necessary for me.